Death. One word, five letters, two vowels and three consonants. Simple to say but dreadful to feel. I know that because despite me having these thoughts right now, I am dying . I never imagined how dying would be, I have been in moments far worse than this one and I survived but now for unknown reasons is different. Why? Because this time I took the final hit instead of someone else. If the old me would have seen this, he would have surely laughed and say that I was weak. But I'm not regretting it... I protected the person I loved and who- in my last moments of life- I do still love.
At least this is sincere what I'm feeling, very nice for me to do, right? Not holding grudges, not lying, just...sincere. I think I like it how I am now, even if it's the end.
"Sasuke!!!"
Oh, there is a voice, it sounds so far away, I barely can reach it but somehow that voice echoes inside me. I smile as a shudder traces me. My body still reacts when I feel his presence. The presence of my lover.
My eyes wide open as I see in the corner of my eye how he's trying to come to me. I guess I pushed him too hard and now he struggles to get up and come near me. I don't mind that now... he's safe and I am happy for this.
I just wish that it wouldn't have taken me so much time to say it, to admit it and to show him my true self. The one which he created along these years only by smiling and saying that everything was right. Me, the one who loves him more than life itself.
"Naruto..." the word escapes my lips as my past memories are flashing before my eyes with the speed of light.
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Dizzy from the sweet smell of night, my gaze slipped on his now still, sleeping body. He was sleeping, caressed by the silver rays of the moon and swayed in the arms of his lover...me. I smile bewildered at this thought and even if it may be the banality which covers the vanity I still can't stop thinking if he realized this.
I close my eyes confused by my fingers which keep unconsciously stroke his sun-like hair. It's dark but in the small light coming from the street lamps or from the moon, I can see his soft as silk hair shining before me. Who am I? Who is he? And most of all what did he do to me?
The dream fades making me lose myself in the black and aromatic twist of the night itself.
I remember.
I remember myself.
And I remember him.
He. The man with a smiling face despite everything around him. He. The man which would help and care about everyone. He. The man who broke the wall, I spent many years to build around me. He. The only one.
Naruto.
My mind yells upon the thought with his name. My blood rushes in my veins reaching each part of my body, awakening me completely. My breath becomes uneven, I start to gasp for air, my heart beats faster like a drum and it seems like it would escape my chest every time I see him. My body reacts immediately when I see him, my senses go wild and I become weak.
I hate this...I can't be weak. I always strived for strength, perfection, clarity. Why he, in the whole wide world was the one to make me like this? What makes him so special and able to make me lose my cool? Where is my calmness, my strength, my will to get away from everything around me? Did he take them?
He did. He took them a long time ago.
I stare at his face, I can read in the darkness his child-like features which angry me when I would just give them a small look. He's smiling in his sleep and God knows what he's dreaming about. But I believe more that he's satisfied that he ruined me. This usuratonkachi which shares the same bed with me now and sleeping careless broke me. He destroyed me completely.
But why am I still here and why my hands can't stop touching him gently as if he is something precious to handle with? Why can't I destroy him like he did with me? Why is he able to do that to me and why am I not too?
I hate his way to be, I hate his face, I hate how he acts, what he says and what he does. I hate him!
My hand tightened in fists along with his hair. I probably pulled a little harder because he whimpered in his sleep and gestured a discomfort. I relief myself from my anger and unclench the fist. My hand slips and falls on his cheek. I watch how his face turns to a smiling one again and how he scooped a little closer to me, longing for my touch.
That smile... very beautiful, very reassuring and... very happy. When we were younger he was grinning like an idiot always saying stupid things along with that childish smile. I never realized what an impact that could have until now. But it was a difference. Back then it was a forced one , a fake for not showing that he was alone or that he was suffering. I know because I was like that too, except the smile.
Up until only now I can realize how very much alike we are but still so different. But that difference closes us, making us realize that we are not that alone, that we actually have each other.
I stay straight facing the window which gives a view at the still village which lies at the feet of the house. Despite the tranquility I can still hear his small snores behind me in the bed. He fidgeted to find the comfortable place again and I just couldn't take my eyes off of the village.
So many secrets and hidden truths this peculiar village has. But none is compared which the secret that ties my lover's name. He couldn't tell me why, afraid of the consequences of sharing his dark secret, but I knew. These eyes, the curse of my clan, helped me realize it, to understand it, to absorb his pain. I didn't ask for it but finding all about it, connected me to him more, chained me to his soul and to his flesh. I never guessed that revelation would be like this... wrong to feel but bearable after all. I have this feeling. I hate this feeling but actually I love it.
This forsaken village, showed its hate, its despise, its bad influence to a child since a very fragile age wishing and telling many times that he shouldn't have been born. Despair. That's the outcome of those years filled with solace and... atrocities.
Somehow I see him as an idol. He never showed his deepest feelings, he knew very well how to mask them by smiling happily a blabbering about his long-time ambitions. I knew him since we were little and, seeing him like that everyday... made me cherish him like an important person, like precious one.
I wasn't that able to hide my despair that well like him. I was consumed by it, engulfed wholly by it. I lost my mind to my ambition to kill, to my desire to accomplish a dream which took most of my years. I have been through torture, through pain, through the harshest situations a man would have never thought of. I watched people coming, living and dying right in front of me, one by one to the very last leaving me alone.
But he... who never experienced something like family is more desperate than me. I was never able to understand it why but now I do.
The fact that he didn't have that family was enough to make him lonely. Having a demon inside his body, everyone being scared of him, running away from him as if he was something like a deadly plague. And also he, being scared of himself that at one moment he would break and the demon would escape destroying everything around him. These were enough. The fear that everything he treasured would die if he would not be careful with the seal. And also having to listen to the demon's words, being tortured by nightmares which were sent by the demon to break him.
I know this as I spent my nights with him listening to those words.
I helped him and he helped me. We were never separated, sure people tried that but seeing that there was no chance to break us apart, they gave up and unexpectedly, accepted us. Nightmares never came again since the day we started to be together. I was terrified of the fact how he longed for me. He was like a small kid again. I wasn't looking at an adult but at a child which was trying to find his place. He clanged up to me, not wanting to let go but for my surprise, I didn't pull back too.
I guess he was broken since a very long time and what I would try now would be futile.
Both of us. Broken with no chances of healing but stubborn to try to mend ourselves by sticking together in every moment of our lives.
"Sasuke..."
A whimper in his sleep. I turn a little and see how his hand is searching the other part of the bed for warmth. My warmth. What is this feeling inside me? Why is it growing every time I hear my name being called by him? Happiness, satisfaction that I have him? That he belongs to me and me only?
Hate it. Look how he's smiling trying to find me there next to me as if he is sure that he will find me. Hear him whimper in his sleep as he cannot find me. I hate all of this. I hate how he made me! These things weren't suppose to affect me like this. I was supposed to live for my ambition, to fulfill it then die alone.
But he... this forever cheerful blonde interfered with my plans and put my ambition on hold. And I accepted it like a fool.
"Sasuke..." the whimper insisted.
Who is he? Why is he that special? What makes him so important that broke everything I have build inside me since I was a kid?
I don't love him. He told me many times his confession but I only nodded but that was enough for him. Why can't he understand that actually I hate him? Why did he stay even if I never returned those words? I don't love him. I hate him.
I repeat those words in my head, I am sure of them but why isn't my heart repeating those too? My heart deceived me too because of him.
Slowly, I cross the room and go to bed. I slide through the now cold sheets and not a moment passes that my hand is grabbed by another one. I turn surprised and I see it again. The thing I hate. He's smiling that he found me again. The fingers tightened around my arm showing that he wouldn't let go too soon. I let him be as the smile hypnotized me like it always did.
I smile and I move closer to him. I brush the golden locks out of his face and I see him better. My heart beats faster and the same sensations cross me completely. Removing the locks, I cannot wonder how wonderful he may be. How perfect and how intangible to other souls he may be. Jealousy struck me immediately and with both of my arms I pull his smaller body against mine. His face buried in my neck and my nose is filled with his scent. I would never let any petty soul touch him. He is perfect and no one can reach his height. Only me.
I know now as I breathe his smell more. I hug him tight at my chest and I feel that he's happy that he found that warmth again.
I know it.
I understand it very well now.
I hate him very much.
But this hate cannot compare with my love for him. This pure, sincere feeling which always have been inside my heart for him.
I love him like no one can ever love.
With my soul, with my heart, with my mind and with my body. I love him with everything I have.
And I would die without him being close to me.
I lower my lips and I kiss his hair, my hands pulling more his small frame against mine. Fragile but I cannot stop from tasting this feeling more. This beautiful feeling of having him close to me.
"I love you." I say those words in a whisper at his ear. He doesn't react but something tells me that he knew that all along. I didn't have to tell him, he realized it long time ago when I wasn't able to admit it loudly. When I was trying to convince myself that I cannot love. I am not sure what tomorrow will hold and so I start to say those words like prayer. "I love you Naruto. I love you. I love you. I love you very much!" I want him to absorb those words. My realization is indeed late but... better late than never or so they say, right? I cannot get enough of saying those words. They amaze me too much. Why couldn't I say them earlier?
I kiss him lower, his hair, his forehead, I make circles around the eyes, on his nose and on his cheeks. Finally, I reach his lips. His soft rosy lips which always belonged to me. I put my own against his and I take in his sweet taste. I like it as I nibble at his lower lip, I bit slowly and a whimper escapes them. I love him that was certain, I want him to be forever mine, that was... the truth.
It was the truth after all. My most sincere one.
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It was the sweetest memory. Too bad that it happened only yesterday and today I had to die. Why did it take me so much to say them? The truth! Why is the truth the most unbelievable thing? Why is it the most difficult thing to admit?
My flow of thoughts interrupted as a huge blow of pain traced me completely. My armor is ripped, my blade is nowhere to be seen and I know that there's no chance for me to survive. I am sure that my opponent is happy that he killed someone like me. Why wouldn't he? I did many wrong things in my life, many people suffered because of me and this is the most suitable death for me.
A thud. I felt how the ground shook a little and I turn my gaze to my right. My eyes wide in surprise as I see a body next to me on the ground. Someone else died? But-
I cannot continue as in the blurry vision I can see the yellow spot on the head. I gasp for air and I start to shake. Yellow hair. Blonde. Does that mean that Naruto... that he...
I close my eyes shut. Was everything I done futile? Wasn't any chance for us to survive? Not for me but more for him. The pure person like him, why does he have to die? Tears start to fall from the corner of my eyes and I choke with them. I never cried, this is the first time for me to do and all the tears which gathered inside me are escaping now. I am dying, Naruto died already, there's no hope for us. This is my entire fault. Why didn't I admit the truth? If I would have done that then God wouldn't have punish the both of us.
I stare at the body and I move my hand closely to it. At least we are close again and we will go to the next word together. Just a little time separates us from our reunion.
I...will... see...you...again.
"Sasuke!" a yell echoes in the background.
I stop in action. I know that voice. I hate that loud voice but I love it more. It doesn't come from the body next to me. My hand falls beside me and I don't know what to do or say. I start to tremble more... could have I mistaken? I was sure that it was him... the body next to me.
A hand grabs me by the shoulder. I wince in pain and my eyes are searching for an answer. Then I feel how my face makes contact with something soft. A fabric.
Weakly I stare up at the person and I see another spot of yellow. But this is the shining yellow which I always knew.
I gasp and let out a noise of surprise as I realize that the person hugging me is Naruto. I stare at him, absorbing each feature which reassures me more. He is aliver30; the one which fell earlier was an enemy. Actually the enemy which hit me instead of Naruto.
I cough and I feel how I become weaker and weaker. My energy starts to leave me and I barely can keep my eyes open.
"Sasuke!!!" He yelled while hugging me tight at his chest. I barely can breathe and my heart beats slower and slower. "Don't you dare die on me!!" his yell echoed between the trees of the battle ground. "Do you hear me? Open your eyes! Now!" he yelled while shaking me continuously.
"I...I..." my voice stops not knowing what to say or having the power to do it.
"Why did you do such a thing? Teme!!"
I hear him cry. His tears are falling hard on his cheeks and make contact with my own skin too. They burn, they freeze me, and they are scarring me. Seeing him like this, depresses me even more. I was conciliated with my death but nowr30; he came and made me long for life again, he made me hope. I want to survive and to comfort him, I want to ease his pain. I want to stay with him forever.
Why now I had to realize this too? Why is everything so late for me?
"I... love you too much... usuratonkachi..." I cough.
"I knew that already! But you didn't have to protect me!" he cried harder.
I smile... he knew... he always knew my feelings long before I ever did notice.
"That's why you cannot die!!!" he yelled louder.
But I cannot hear him... he's too far away for me. I try to look at him to remember his face but the darkness which overwhelms me and my mind, doesn't allow me to give him one last gaze. Better not to see it, better to remember him when he was laughing, smiling to me. Better remembering his cheerful self... better to remember that sleepless wonderful night which made me aware of my true self.
Yes... better this way. Thank God for allowing me this.
The darkness surrounds me more and inch by inch... it swallows me... completely with my last thought.
I love you.
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Chapter notes: Awwee, finally some inspiration for yaoi! I haven't written since... February! o.O Can you believe it?
I'm kinda pleased with this story, angst, finally some freaking angst!!Don't forget to review and rate! Comments will be used as flour to bake cookies for the readers ^_^