I don't own Naruto or Sasuke, I just play with them. Nor do I own Rascal Flatt's 'What Hurts the Most.'
Sasuke
What hurts the most was being so close, and having so much to say. And watching you walk away. And never knowing what could have been, and not seeing that loving you, is what I was tryin’ to do
Gods, his eyes. When I was rushing forward, trying desperately to free myself of this peaceful village, trying to rid myself of this weakness that was seen only in my head… I can’t get those eyes out of my head. I’ve been away from him for nearly three years and his eyes haunt me still. How can eyes, eyes so cheerful be so dark, be so desperate and so filled with betrayal. I never knew that he cared about me in any way other than as a teammate. That’s why I had to fight… that’s why I had to free myself.
Uzumaki Naruto, kyuubi container and ninja extraordinaire, I had to fight to free myself from him, the ninja I loved. The ninja I love. Everything, I pretended that Naruto was with me. I could hear his loud, boisterous voice echoing in my head, telling me about how stupid I was to go after power like this, to take Orochimaru’s offer without a bowl of salt. That I was stupid, but that he missed me and that he would support me in his own way. I love him. I love him so much, but to be with Orochimaru, to kill that bastard of a brother of mine, I had to give it all up.
Uzumaki Naruto, my love and my strength and my weakness. If anything were to happen to him because of me, I would be destroyed. I nearly killed myself after that fight with Naruto. After running my hand nearly clean through him, I wanted to die. I almost threw myself into the falls we stood beside, hoping that it would kill me poetically enough, that it would be forgiven in Naruto’s heart and that Konoha would forget the last of the great Uchiha clan.
It’s funny, isn’t it? The way love will make you do some crazy shit. I was willing, -oh so willing- to get rid of my weakness and it destroyed me on the inside. I couldn’t face myself anymore. I haven’t looked in a mirror in the past three years because I’m afraid of the look that’ll haunt my eyes. Will I look like Itachi? Will I be surrounded in the insanity that haunts my brother; that caused him to take his family, his closest friend…?
And as the thoughts of treason circle my mind, I can’t help but think that there will be nothing better than being surrounded by the depthless blue eyes, the loud and obnoxious voice, and the simple happy aura that the blond dobe gives off. I love him. I can’t stop myself from loving him, but I can’t believe how much it hurts to know that no matter what I do, from now until eternity, he’s going to remember what it felt like to have me rushing towards him, desperate to kill him, desperate to free myself from his all too powerful grasp. He’s a magnet and I’m his polar opposite, how else could he attract me so, even after so long apart?
And what hurts to me, is that if I sat down and explained it all to him, confessed my heart and soul and all of my feelings; that he would probably forgive me. Laugh it off and blame it on the misguided hormones of a young boy coming into his sexual fruition. And he would know all about it because he was beautiful, powerful, sexy and gods… how else to describe him?
I will abandon my place here, with Orochimaru. I’m tired of being his toy, I’m tired of the threat of sex with that snaky bastard, of the permeating quiet that invades the mind and slowly steals away sanity. I want to be left alone. I want to swear loyalty to only Naruto. To be his and his alone. Would he let me?
Naruto
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go; but I’m doin’ it. It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone; still harder: getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret. But I know if I could do it over, I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken
Everything reminds me of him. Every person who grew up with us, the Rookie Nine (as we’ve all been affectionately dubbed) who’ve graduated to the powerful and experienced chuunin and jounin that we are today, they know that he is a taboo subject. I can’t talk about him. It was hard enough to know that Sakura was pissed at me, to know that she couldn’t stand to see me when she found out that I’d failed her, that I’d let him leave me, and that I was suffering from a broken heart, much like she was.
The looks people gave me; the sympathy that was faked and that was unnecessary and unappreciated was overwhelming. I just wanted Sasuke back. I just want the one person who ever made me feel alive and whole and complete and accepted back in my life. Was that the only reason I ever liked him, because he made me feel normal? I don’t know what it was that made me behave this way, I don’t know why I had to choose him, but I can’t stop the hurt.
Two and a half years have gone by and I’ve been by the village a total of eight times. I don’t stay, just a quick stop off at Tsunade-baba’s home, but nothing more than that. I can’t stay. Everything in Konoha reminds me of him. I’ll never go back until I can keep my promise, until I can bring him home with me. He is my home. Without Sasuke, what am I? I can’t even enjoy the private moments that Jiraiya-sensei and I share. He’s not just an old pervert, he actually knows an awful lot about fighting and staying alive and helping me bear this burden of monster and scorned lover.
Gods, his eyes when he came at me, the Chidori screeching in his fisted hand, the glare in his eyes and the pain in his grimacing face. I don’t know what made me feel so sorry for him, maybe it was because I love him. Because even though he betrayed me to go and be with that snake bastard, that bastard I’m going to kill, to bring Sasuke back into my arms. Back into my arms? Ha, as if he had ever been in my arms. It’s where he belongs though. Wrapped tightly in my arms and protected from everything else. Maybe that’s why I didn’t put it all into the Rasengan that I threw at him, because I love him and I just wanted to protect him. I threatened to break him, but I would never. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore than he was already hurting. I could see the pain even through his Sharingan, I could see the fear that he would actually do something, that he would actually hurt me, kill me because he needed to be stronger.
I should have let him take his strength.
These past few years have been like hell on earth without the most important person in the world beside me. I sound so melodramatic and it’s hard to force that smile I’m used to sharing with people. They tell me it’s okay if I don’t smile, that it’s alright that I’m not always happy, but there’s not anything that can be done. I can’t not smile. It’s my own defense mechanism. If I’m not smiling, then people will think something is wrong and then they’ll want me to talk about it and then all hell will break loose. There’s nothing more wrong with me than not having him at my side.
Sasuke
And never knowing what could have been. And not seeing that loving you is what I was tryin’ to do
His blue eyes glow, even in the dark they glow. Relief floods me as I watch him approach me cautiously. Things have changed about him. I can see it even in this darkness, this darkness that threatens to mercilessly engulf all light within its inky blackness. I can’t help but breath the name, softly lest I defile him, “Naruto.”
His eyes spark in recognition, shock evident across his handsome features. How did he get to be so handsome? His tanned skin is darker, his blond hair brighter, his blue eyes haunted and depthless and just as breathtaking as they were at the innocent age of twelve.
“Sasuke?” Naruto breaths, his voice lost in a whisper all the same as mine. “Sasuke is that you?”
“Naruto,” I whisper once more, nearly giving into the tears that threaten to spill from my eyes. I can’t believe that I’ve come upon you once more, that I’ve found you and that all I’ll have to do is give you my solid, swearing oath as a ninja that it’ll never happen again.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” he screams at me, rushing forward. I brace for a punch, a kick, a blow that’ll surely send me reeling through the darkness around me. “Gods above Sasuke, what the fuck were you thinking?” he cries, wrapping his arms tightly around me. “I was so worried about you.”
“You forgive me?” I ask softly, knowing that there is nothing more important to me right now. Please, please forgive me.
“I can’t… I can’t forgive you Sasuke. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been worried about you. That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped thinking about you,” he murmurs, laying his head of soft blond hair on my shoulder. He’s nearly as tall as I am, only half an inch or so shorter than myself. He’s handsome and breathtaking and he doesn’t forgive me. I can’t stop them, the tears break from their fragile barrier and slide slowly down my cheeks.
“I need you to forgive me.”
“Why, Sasuke? Why did you do it? Why did you leave us all behind, why did you come at me like that even though it hurt you? I saw it in your eyes you know, that you didn’t want to do it but you couldn’t stop. Why didn’t you just stop? Why’d it have to be us?”
“Naruto?” I ask stupidly.
“Did you know that I loved you? Did you know that I would keep a close watch on you because you never treated me special? You never did anything to make sure I was hurt by words or ignored. You paid attention to me, you supported me, and you protected me. I fell in love with you, you bastard. I loved you will all of myself, but you couldn’t see it, could you? You were selfish and look what it did to you… to us!”
His arms tighten around me and it’s all I can do not to whimper at the tight pain, the bruises that I know will be there. He’s powerful, maybe more so than I am. I hear his breath hitch and I know; I can feel the heated warmth on my shoulders, the shuddering of his shoulders; that he’s crying. He’s crying for himself, for us, for me. And quietly, as though afraid to know the answer, he’s begging me softly, “Why?”
Even if I tried to explain it to him, he’d never understand. He couldn’t. I don’t want to ruin him, I don’t want to tell him the truth and yet… I’m fascinated by this Naruto who shares so much emotion that I’ll probably drown. Naruto who I loved; Naruto who I love; Naruto who I will always love. There will always be Naruto in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. But never in my arms. I don’t deserve his love; I don’t deserve his body next to mine.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I can’t tell him the truth. That I was jealous, that I needed to be away from him because I was scared, that I couldn’t face the pain or the truth that he was the only one who ever made me feel, that the clan I belonged to would end with myself because I would never willingly bed anyone but the blond. Those words are so petty and cheap and yet, there is nothing else to express the way I feel. Nothing else I can say that would make it true. I can’t not apologize, I have to or else… he might not let me swear loyalty.
“Sorry isn’t good enough. You didn’t break something easy and cheap. You broke me. You broke my heart,” he whispers. And yet, with all of his strength, he’s holding onto me.
“I only want to serve you. Let me make it up to you. I’ll never betray you again,” I murmur, knowing that it’s something he’s never heard before, knowing that I’ll die keeping that promise to him.
“Why should I trust you? You’ve betrayed two loyalties now. Orochimaru will come after you and Tsunade-baba won’t be happy about it either.”
“Orochimaru is dead. And I’m not swearing anything to Tsunade-sama. It’s to you, to Uzumaki Naruto that I’m swearing loyalty. How can I betray you again?” I whisper.
“May all the gods damn you and me for this, but I can’t do it,” he answers softly. “You are an s-class missing nin and I refuse to take you under my wing. I love you, the gods know that I love you Sasuke. But you hurt me. You hurt me more than anyone else ever had or ever will again. You destroyed me and I’m finally being put back together. I will not have you with me, waiting eagerly to destroy me again.”
“I… I…” I flounder, lost for words.
And the next thing I know, I’m being forced against something hard and unyielding- a tree- and his powerful hands are running over my body, his rough lips massaging my own, coaxing them open slowly. I know this dance, this sensual dance that’ll bring us completion, but never satisfaction.
“I won’t let you hurt me again,” he whimpers softly, tears fluttering down his tanned cheeks, sobs escaping his kissable mouth.
“I don’t want to, I don’t want to ever again. I just want to be with you. I just want to follow you and protect you and be yours. I’m yours, Naruto. Whatever you want with me, I’ll be there for you, I’ll do whatever you want with me,” I plead, begging softly.
“I… loved you Sasuke. I loved you more then you’ll ever know I loved you. I would have spent forever making you happy, I would have done everything… anything for you,” Naruto whispered softly. “I still love you, but there’s nothing else I want right now then to make you pay for all the pain you put me through.”
“I deserve it,” I whispered softly. I can’t think of anything else that belongs, that should do. I know that I shouldn’t expect him to forgive me, but I can’t stop the desire in me. I just want to be with him again. I can’t do anything else; I just want to be with him. “I just want to be with you again,” I murmur, giving into the desire within me.
Blue eyes widen with shock and it’s all I can do to just… to just breathe with him around me.
Naruto
But I know if I could do it over, I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken
Damnit. I knew coming would be a bad idea. I should have listened to the old hag and stayed at home, I shouldn’t have come after him. I should have known better. I just… I can’t say no to him, as much as I want to, I can’t say no to him. I know; I just know that I’ll take him home and protect him through all of the hell the villagers will put him through.
“I just want to be with you again,” he whispers softly, repeating himself. How, how do I say no to that? I’m torn, torn between wanting to beat the shit out of him, hug him to death, or throwing him onto the ground below us and having my wicked way with him. How does one person cause so many different emotions within me? How can he make me hurt so much?
I want to believe him, I want to so desperately that I can feel myself caving to him. To his dark eyes, to his haunted face, to his tear-stained cheeks.
“Don’t cry,” I mutter, hating myself for the tenderness I feel towards him, hating myself for the fact that I’m going to let him come home with me, that I’m going to let him try to make it up to me. I wipe his right cheek and his eyes drift close, a sigh of relief falls from his lips and I smile, strangely reassured that he’s back in my arms. “Surrender to me,” I whisper, my lips dancing along his jaw and he shivers in my grasp.
“Anything you want me to do,” he nearly moans.
“Do you love me? Did you ever love me?” I have to know. I have a feeling that it’s true, but he’s never said those words to me, I’ve never heard another say it to me, so I’m curious.
His eyes are closed and his face leans into my hand, he’s submitting to me, surrendering just like I ordered. “Yes and yes,” he sighs.
And suddenly, with those words, it’s too far… we’re too far apart. I need to touch him; I need to feel him, to know him. I move my hand, hesitant to hold him again, but for only a few seconds. With not a word of warning, I wrap my arms around him, holding him tight to my chest. His body is firm and tight and it feels so perfect with him against me.
“You know what hurts me the most, Sasuke?”
“What hurts you?”
“You. You hurt me the most. Every single time I thought I had moved on, I was reminded of you. I was finally moving on, moving past you but now look at me,” I laugh spitefully.
“I won’t hurt you anymore. I won’t hurt you ever again,” he promises vehemently.
“Tell me why. Tell me why you chose Orochimaru over me. Over the friends you’d made and the home you had.”
“Whatever you want, Naruto,” Sasuke murmurs, bowing his head slightly. “I’ll do what ever you want me to.”
“What did that bastard do to you to make you change so much?” I can’t help but ask. Never, I can never remember when he’s been this cooperative with me. When he’s been this submissive.
“He didn’t do anything that others hadn’t already done or wanted to. I just… I just realized where I belong.”
“Let’s go home,” I whisper. “And you’ll tell me what happened, why you did what you did. Then you can explain it all to Tsunade-baba and we’ll see what happens after that.”
“Of course,” he nods his head and smiles.
As much as I love him, he’s always the one that hurts me the most.
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