“Put on your game face, ladies. They’re back.” The blonde waitress said. Every time the group in question came in, the restaurant made what she liked to call a ‘helluvalot’ of money. Of course, what else would you expect? The door opened, and framed the four people perfectly. They were known for their business, the Troubleshooters. But at Angelo’s Pizzeria, they were simply the best customers a girl could ask for. Beyond good tippers, Ino always had to fight the other girls to be their waitress. But she almost always won. Like usual, she scrambled forward, greeting them before any of the others could. “Hello, table for five?” She had learned long ago that if she was going to seat the Troubleshooters, she had to provide a chair for the dog.
“Hai, Ino-chan!” Kiba, the bedraggled dog-owner, said and threw a wink at her, making her blush. He wore his usual brown corduroy pants and a very rumpled green t-shirt, along with that stupid satchel, and carried the dog, Akamaru, on his shoulder. The pooch licked her cheek, and she giggled.
“Hehe. Come right this way, please.” She led them back to their usual booth, in the back. Kiba fell in step behind her, with the rest of the group following. She watched as they seated themselves.
Naruto, the self-styled ‘leader’ of the group, seemed to wear nothing but blue, white, and orange every day. The eighteen-year-old wore a navy blue and white rugby shirt, tucked into carefully worn jeans, belted with a studded brown belt and that damned orange baseball cap that looked as if it had never been washed in the entire five years of him owning it. Ino didn’t want to get too close to him. He seemed to be the type that would make his idiocy contagious.
Then, there was Sakura, whom she had known since grade-school. The girl looked just as she always did, her long bubble-gum pink hair tied back in a ponytail. A very tight black mini skirt had Naruto ogling her legs, and an equally fitted dark red blouse with long white sleeves gave him ample eye candy as well.
Sitting between Kiba and Sakura, and looking like she was trying to melt into the vinyl seat was Hinata, in her school uniform. Why she went to a private high school, none of them could fathom. She was the ‘smart one’ in the group. The girl looked up at Ino and smiled weakly, pushing up her glasses. She glanced to her left, as Kiba began eating the parmesan cheese from the shaker jar, and her smile turned apologetic.
“I guess you’ll be needing breadsticks, ASAP?” Ino saw Hinata nod vigorously, and she left to get three orders of breadsticks. Just as she left, Hinata gave a quiet sneeze, which was followed by another, louder this time.
As Ino put in their order, she heard Sakura snap at Kiba. “How many times do I have to tell you, Kiba, don’t do that in the van!”
Lazily, and probably with parmesan cheese spilling from his mouth, Kiba said, “It isn’t my fault she’s allergic to my doob—“ He was cut off by an extremely loud sneeze from Hinata, and an apparent slap from Sakura. Akamaru barked. Ino shook her head. The dog-lover had a fondness for relaxation, of the illegal sort. It just so happened that his brand of relaxation was Hinata’s one and only allergy. “She just opened the door to the Office, and got a little more than she bargained for.” Another resounding sneeze probably had Kiba cringing, and Sakura fuming.
“Apologize, idiot!” Sakura was getting really angry, now, and Ino didn’t envy Kiba.
Naruto finally said something. “Look, Kiba, all I ask is that you don’t smoke in the Office. We all have to ride in there, so you can’t just do that whenever you want.” Ino’s estimation of the blonde went up, but only for a moment. When she returned to the table with three baskets of bread and their usual drink orders (not to mention antihistamines for Hinata), she saw that it was just Natuto trying to look slick in front of Sakura by pretending to be mature. Ino rolled her eyes and plunked Naruto’s Hi C down in front of him. “Thanks, Ino!”
“No problem. Kiba!” She tossed the bottle of Bundaburg Ginger Beer at him, and he caught it without looking. He might look unobservant, but Ino suspected that there was a different reason for his chemical dependency other than only relaxing. She was reminded of the old story of Sherlock Holmes. He always did his cocaine and or morphine to keep his brain occupied, or numb it out. Sakura smiled sarcastically at Ino as she handed her the glass of Delaware Punch which was her favorite. Ino wanted to slap the girl, as usual, but she wasn’t giving up her tip. Hinata calmly thanked her for her iced tea, no sugar, thank you very much.
Just then, a very odd sound came from Naruto’s pants pocket. It sounded something like a screaming growl, then turned into a heavy guitar solo before a raspy singer began the song “Down With the Sickness”. They all looked at him, and he said, “What?”
“You changed your ring tone?” Sakura asked, and then made a disgusted face. “I liked the old one better.”
Naruto shrugged as he pulled the metallic orange phone from his pocket. “Secret Agent Man gets old after a while.” He opened the thing, and put it to his ear. “Troubleshooters, Uzumaki Naruto speaking!”
Ino leaned down to the group, and said, “So, the usual?” They all nodded, and she then said, “Okay, then that’s two large with everything for Kiba, one large with extra cheese and crushed ramen on top for Naruto, and one between you two, half veggie, half cheese only.” Akamaru barked in what she thought was an irritated fashion. “And one bowl of pepperoni an sausage for Akamaru.” Happy little whines came from the dog now, and she was wondering vaguely—and not for the first time—if Kiba’s canine companion understood what they were saying. The group nodded in agreement, all except for Naruto, who was in earnest conversation with someone on the phone. When he was finished, he turned to the rest of them, and his face was completely stunned.
“Kakashi wants a face-to-face meeting.”
Sakura stopped drinking her punch.
Kiba stopped munching, mid-breadstick.
Hinata’s sneezing suddenly stopped.
Akamaru barked ominously.
For her part, Ino blinked. She had heard them talking about their mysterious manager, but now they would finally get to meet him! “Hey, forehead-girl! Don’t forget, you gotta tell me what he looks like. You’re always saying that he sounds hot on the phone.” Sakura threw her a nasty look, then Ino left to put in their orders and hit the punching bag in the back room. Sakura had always been the bitchy type.
--
As always, Naruto was driving. Sakura was firmly belted into the passenger seat, while Hinata held on for dear life in the back, and Kiba slid around lazily with Akamaru. “Naruto! Watch out!” Sakura yelled, and it was far too late. The bright orange van slammed head-on into a large mound of trash cans, which turned out to be empty. When Sakura was done beating the crap out of Naruto for the fiftieth time since they left Angelo’s, they all got out of the van, which they called the Office. On the gate in front of them was a sign. It read: Hatake Estate.
This was rather questionable, since the “estate” consisted of a lake with a rather large log cabin in the middle. Naruto pressed a button on the security panel to the left of the wrought iron portal, and waited. Then, a voice came out, mechanically distorted, but still recognizable as their manager.
“Oi! What took you so long? And Naruto, I think we need to sign you up for driving lessons. Put my trash cans back.” After they did as he asked, the gate opened, and they walked through, to stand next to another security panel. When Sakura pressed the red button, Kakashi’s voice sounded loud and clear. “Step back one meter.” There was an ear-piercingly loud grating noise, and after a long moment, the group standing at the edge of the lake saw a very strange bridge moving toward them. It was all iron panels, on chains, and it was being reeled out to their end of the lake.
Hinata leaned close to the water, off to one side, watching the mechanism. “Ingenious…” She said, pushing up her glasses once again. So entranced with it was she, that it took Sakura yanking her away from the edge of the water to avoid her toes getting cut off when the iron bridge made contact with the ground just where her feet would have been. “Th-thank you, Sakura! I was just so…” She had just looked up at the bridge, which was dripping, and covered in slick algae. Her nose wrinkled. “That so does not look sanitary.”
“Aw, come on, Hinata-chan! It will be fine!” Naruto took hold of one of the slimy chain guards. “Eew. He better have some hand sanitizer…” Hinata and Sakura looked at one another, and stifled giggles at his show of girlishness. They all got onto the bridge, Hinata’s knee-high black boots and Sakura’s spike heels skidded the entire time they were crossing, which took fifteen minutes. Akamaru bounded across, and Kiba followed. Apparently, Kiba didn’t care that the slime was getting between his toes and all over his flip-flops. Akamaru at least had an excuse, as far as Naruto was concerned. He was a dog.
Now that all of them had finished crossing the lake, they came to a stop at the door of the cabin, which seemed much larger now that they were quite close. Kiba banged on the door. Ten minutes later, and after several more attempts at banging the door down, they heard shuffling footsteps. “Yo.” The door opened, and they saw two lazy eyes peeping around the edge of the door. Sakura was about to burst with anticipation, it seemed. Hinata was smiling politely, however, and she obviously wanted to ask him about the bridge.
The door opened, and they all trooped in to the large living room, which was furnished in a style that was entirely unique to Kakashi. There were rugs upon rugs, making the floor rather squashy, and made the chairs that were scattered about stand at funny angles. The overall look of the place reminded most of them of a Dr. Seuss book. The exception to this was Akamaru, who thought it looked like a very large cat-bed.
They all turned to Kakashi, who was holding up a large stack of papers in front of his face. The only part of his face that was visible was his eyes. This, of course, irritated Sakura to no end, though she did not let it show. “Come in and sit down. I just need to put these down.” He ran off to the other end of the room, put the papers down, and then made them sit. Kiba fell out of his chair three times, before he finally gave up and sat on the floor. Like I said…odd angles. Now, Sakura was trying once again to get a look at Kakashi’s face, but it was again to no avail, because a large Persian cat had settled onto the man’s chest, digging in and not letting go, and its fluff was covering Kakashi’s nose and mouth.
“Hakurei! Get off!” The man yanked and yanked, but the cat was rather attached to his green sweatshirt. Sighing, he handed out the assignment folders. “Here. The latest.”
All of them looked into the manila folders, and saw a dossier on a man named Orochimaru, whom no one had ever really gotten a good look at. That annoyed Sakura, who was good at getting information, but was also good at getting caught while doing so. There were, however, pictures of his two closest employees. They had names, but in situations like this, the Troubleshooters simply named them the Evil Henchmen, and gave them numbers. Evil Henchman #2, as it turned out, was (according to Sakura) “hot as all hell” and would most likely stand some scrutiny on her part.
No one really ever read the entire dossier, unless you counted Hintata. She was, as the others were fighting and generally screwing around, reading the material thoroughly and asking Kakashi questions. She was, to say the least, focused. The dark-haired girl was sitting on a low couch, her legs crossed, papers scattered over her black pleated skirt, and becoming more and more disturbed by what she was reading. Kiba had gone outside for some “fresh air”, and Naruto was once again making a pass at Sakura, who had firmly planted the spike heel of her shoe on his crotch, just daring him to move a muscle.
Hinata snapped the folder shut. The others looked at her, curiosity painting their features like makeup. “This is definitely a worthy challenge.” Her quiet voice came out in a serious tone.
“Yatta!” Naruto jumped up, heedless of Sakura’s threatening heel. It was actually beneficial that he did, because she went sprawling on the floor, and Hinata got a small laugh out of it.
Kiba’s head poked into the door, and he started unscrewing the cap on his bottle of Visine. “What’s up?” He leaned back against the wall and put the eyedrops in, to “get the red out”. Sakura got up from the floor, teetering on her heels for a moment until she got her balance.
“We’ve got a job.” She said in an irritated manner, and Naruto smiled. The rest of them knew that smile. He was going to kill them on the way to their assignment. His driving really did leave a lot to be desired.
--
“Here we are.” Sakura said, looking at the map again. “Snake Mountain Amuseument Park. Looks normal enough.” In fact, the place was bustling. Usually, if there was some kind of evildoing going on, there would be an abandoned factory, or a fake-haunted castle. Something eerie. This place was just a cheerfully busy amusement park, with roller coasters towering above, and hundreds of people swarming on the ground. Naruto pulled out a pair of binoculars. “Oh, idiot, could you be any more obvious?” She leaned back in her seat, and rubbed her temples with her fingertips. He was going to give her another headache. It was only one in the afternoon, and she’d already had a healthy dose of dobe for the day.
Hinata was looking around the street nervously. Unlike the rest of them, she knew exactly what was going on. In the dossier, she read that twenty people had been abducted over the last six months, all in some way connected with Snake Mountain. They had either visited the park within twenty-four hours of their abduction, or they lived in the area. All of the abducted had been between the ages of sixteen and twenty two, and in good physical condition. There were five female and sixteen males taken, all of different backgrounds, ethnic and economic. Her head hurt just trying to spot a pattern. It seemed so random!
“Okay, guys,” Naruto said, “Kakashi told us not to get separated. So, let’s stick together.” After they got out of the Office, they all went across the street and paid the rather exorbitant entry fee. Naruto grumbled as he put his wallet back into his pocket. “Man. That hurt.” He patted his back pocket. “Now, we can make a pla—Kiba! Where are you going?”
Kiba and Akamaru were barreling toward the area where the kiddie rides were. The rest of them sighed. The shaggy-haired young man turned around and yelled, “Ferris-wheel!” This caused the entire group to groan. They soon found themselves packed into the little two-person baskets, going in slow circles. Kiba and Akamaru sat together, because he wouldn’t let anyone else sit with him. Sakura ended up being put in a basket with a guy she didn’t know, and Naruto got paired up with Hinata, and he grumbled the entire time about not getting to sit with Sakura. Hinata was rather annoyed by this. What was she, chopped liver? She wasn’t bad looking or anything, it was just that he was an idiot!
When all of the Troubleshooters had disembarked from the Ferris-wheel, Kiba ran off again. Naruto made the decision that if they were going to get anything at all done, they would have to split up. So, they left Kiba to his play-time, and all went in different directions. Sakura went in search of Evil Henchman #2, while Naruto headed toward the water rides. Hinata decided to investigate the experimental roller coaster. It was still in its testing phase. Kiba and Akamaru started making their way toward the House of Mirrors.
--
Hinata looked up. Her neck hurt to see the top of it. “That is one big roller coaster.” She leaned on the chain-link fence. It was painted bright green, and was made of steel tubing, like many of the newer coasters. There were twists, turns, and one thing that looked suspiciously like a reverse corkscrew that had been doubled over in itself. Her stomach went queasy.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” She whirled around to see a pale man with long, dark hair, wearing a white Hawaiian shirt, black cargo shorts, and Teva sandals. He had a large boa constrictor draped around his neck. He was, in short, the creepiest man she had ever seen. And he was leering at her.
“Um, it’s definitely impressive…”
“First time?” He asked, still leering. The question somehow seemed indecent.
“Excuse me?” She asked, hoping he meant something benign.
“At the park, miss. Is it your first time at the park?” She nodded. “Then, would you like a private tour?” He asked, and leaned closer to her, causing Hinata’s eyes to go very wide.
“A-Ano, I’m sorry. I have to go. Please excuse me.” Her voice all but squeaked as she ran as fast as her heeled boots would allow. She had to find someone, anyone else but him. Creepy Snake Man…ugh. She had been hit on before, but that was just ridiculous.
--
As she ran away, slender fingers ran over cool scales, and a smile twisted thin lips. “Hm. Nice. Legs…Do you think we should keep an eye on her, my pet?” The man’s hand manipulated the constrictor’s head, creating a mock nod. “That’s what I thought.” Laughing, the man disappeared into a door at the base of the roller coaster.
--
There were so many mirrors! One made Akamaru look like a monster, with a huge head, and another made Kiba look like a spaghetti noodle! Needless to say, it really doesn’t take much to amuse Kiba, and there was quite a lot here. Kiba was…overjoyed.
In a melodious tenor, Kiba began to sing, Akamaru howling backup. “I’ve got a lovely buch of coconuts…There they are a-standing in a row…Big ones, small ones. Some as big as your head!” And so on.
Didn’t I say that it doesn’t take much to amuse him?
--
“I should have known better!” Naruto groused. He was trying without success to wring water from his hat. “Damned log rides! I always forget about the splash at the end!” He had gone on the log ride, and was now sitting on a bench no less than fifty yards from the beastly thing. He took off his shoes, spilling water from them. Wait a minute. Was that a fish? No, just a piece of a leaf. There was not one dry piece of clothing on him.
Naruto removed his shirt, and proceeded to wring the water from it, much to the entertainment of a small group of younger teenage girls, who were commenting on his muscles. He smiled at them cheekily, and they blushed and ran away. That gave him a laugh, but not dry pants, which he really wanted.
--
Sakura realized all too late that the boy that sat with her in the basket on the Ferris-wheel was Evil Henchman #1. She thought about this as she sat down with a large helping of cotton candy. Her thoughts turn from the boy who sat with her to the one she’s been trying to find. Evil Henchman #2 is nowhere to be found. This irritated her as she sat eating the sticky pink mass on a stick. There were booths nearby, where people were being cheated as they played everything from ski-ball to arcade basketball. Why do those people never understand that the games are fixed?
--
From behind one of the shooting booths, a young man with very light hair and a round pair of glasses watched the pretty pink-haired girl eating cotton candy. He sat with her on the Ferris-wheel. He had never considered himself to be a pervert. But with the outfit this girl was wearing, he felt like one. Lots of leg, and (his mind partially fries at this) boobs! This is what went through the mind of Kabuto, also known as Evil Henchman #1, as he looked at Sakura. So it would come as no surprise to anyone that he quickly decided to stalk the hell out of her.
--
“Where is everyone?” Hinata breathed, as she stopped to catch her breath near a concession stand. “I’m really tired, but I can’t call them. I’m roaming!” That was ironic, since her cellular phone company boasted that she would have no problems with that. Creepy Snake Man was nowhere to be seen, so she was pretty sure that she’d lost him. What an icky individual! He looked like a snake, himself! Where was Naruto? Or Kiba? They were never around when she needed a guy to help her out. Where was anyone for that matter? When she caught her breath, she figured that it was time for a little bit of something to keep her strength up.
At the counter of the concession stand, she ordered bottled water and a bit of chicken on a stick. Musing momentarily about how most food at amusement parks seemed to be on a stick, she started walking away from the food vendors, when she bumped into someone. “Excuse me!” She said, nearly spilling her water all over the person. A little did get onto their shirt, and she used her napkin to dab at it until she realized whom she was standing in front of. It was none other than Evil Henchman #2! Now that she saw him up close, she didn’t understand what it was that Sakura thought was so great about him.
He was tall, for his age, she supposed, but so was Kiba. He was rather slender, with dark spiky hair, and pale skin. The boy wore a long sleeved white t-shirt with a short-sleeved black one over it, and dark blue pants. All in all, he looked rather depressing. Add in the sunglasses that made him look like an extra from The Matrix, and you got one rather creepy picture. Then, he spoke. “No problem. I’m fine, miss…” He was looking down at her, and staring. Hinata could always tell, even if someone was wearing sunglasses. “What’s your name?”
“Hinata.”
“First time to Snake Mountain, Hinata?”
“Hai.” What was he trying to pull?
“Like it so far?” There was an almost-smile tugging at the corners of his mouth now, and she was strangely hypnotized by it.
“A-ano…mostly.” Hinata didn’t want to tell him that she met some creepy man with a snake around his neck. He would think she was crazy, and that would seem suspicious.
That almost smile spread, and he asked, “What’s your phone number?”
Hinata opened her mouth to answer, but snapped it shut again. It took her a moment to realize what had just happened. He was hitting on her! Well, admittedly, that sort of thing didn’t happen very often, so she was justified in her naiveté, but then again, she considered herself a pretty smart girl. Instead, she used her smart brain to come up with a smart comeback. “What are you doing, taking a survey?” And with that, she walked away. “Perv…”
--
Evil Henchman #2, otherwise known as Uchiha Sasuke, watched Hinata walk away, that black skirt swaying from side to side, and said to himself, “Beauty and brains…who knew?” He proceeded to follow, at a distance that he thought she wouldn’t notice.
So at this point, stalker mode has been initiated. Hooray for Hinata. Two stalkers in less than ten minutes!
--
Nearly out of the House of Mirrors now, Kiba held Akamaru like a teddy bear, and they sang together. But the song was different.
“Moon River…wider than a mile…I’m crossing you in style someday…”
A newlywed couple stopped to listen as Kiba cuddled Akamaru. Surprisingly, the dog’s howls didn’t upset the melody. “You dream maker, oh, heart breaker…where ever you’re going, I’m going…your way! Two…drifters of to see the world, there’s such a lot of world to see! We’re after the same rainbow’s end…waiting ‘round the bend…Moon…River…and…me…” Applause and laughter sounded in the glass hallway as Kiba and his dog bounded outside, applause following them. He always felt good after singing!
Once again, proof that being silly at times is healthy!
--
Naruto held his hat to his chest, so that it didn’t fly off. His theory about the gravitron spinning the water off of him was obviously half-baked. Now, he’d lose his lunch, but he hadn’t eaten any. He wondered momentarily what Sakura was doing. Probably trying to find that stupid “hot” Henchman. Ugh. Naruto rolled his eyes, but regretted it as the gravitron tilted again, sending another wave of nausea over him.
He thought about the fact that he hadn’t seen either of those Henchmen, and that they knew nothing about what Orochimaru looked like. How would he know him if he saw him?
--
Glancing over her shoulder, Sakura saw him. Again. He’s been following her. If there was any doubt before, there wasn’t now. He was definitely an Evil Henchman. The problem was, how did she get away from him? That was Evil Henchman #1. He seemed rather…tenacious. After a long moment of simply walking, Sakura ducked into a photography booth. It was one of those old west themed booths, where you could dress up like a saloon girl or a cowboy and have a black and white photo taken. The lady at the counter looked at her in a rather bored way and sighed. “So, want a picture?”
A voice came from behind Sakura, and said, “Yes, we do.” She turned around to see Evil Henchman #1. He was looking down at her with a smile on his face. Sakura only saw it for a second, because she was yanked unceremoniously to the back of the booth, to the small dressing room. The woman yelled back at Evil Henchman #1 to put on a cowboy outfit. Sakura was completely mortified as her shirt was shucked off of her, and then her bra, too! The woman squeezed her into a corset, then the dress, a pair of fishnet gloves, stockings to match, and a pair of boots that were really a size and a half too big, but it was only for a picture. Then, her hair was stuffed up into a stocking, and a wig put over it.
“Now, turn around.” The woman said, obviously pleased with her work. Sakura did, and when she looked at herself in the mirror, she blinked. “Yeah, honey. That’s you. Your boyfriend should like it.” She turned to snap at the woman, to tell her that the oaf that came in behind her was most certainly not her boyfriend, but she had already left the dressing room. As Sakura followed her out, she found Evil Henchman #1 standing next to a fake piano, wearing a dark green button up shirt, a pair of dirty jeans, and a cowboy hat. The woman looked him over, then slapped his behind. “Not bad if I do say so myself. Now, find a pose you like, and we’ll do this.”
“Um…” Sakura eyed him warily. She was waiting for him to drag her off. That’s what usually happened at this point.
“Sorry. You just seemed like you were running away from me.” He really did look sorry.
“I was, actually.” She was honest, and Sakura sure hoped he appreciated it. God…the corset was killing her!
“Why?”
“Because. You’re an Evil Henchman. That’s what I do when I see a Henchman.” The boy seemed confused. “Let’s just take the picture.”
Just as she was about to sit in front of him on the chair provided, he said, “You’re very pretty.” Sakura looked at him, and found that he was blushing madly. He really meant it. And wearing that cowboy hat just made him look so cute!
“Pose already!”
Sakura turned to the woman behind the camera and snapped, “Shut up for two seconds together, you blithering idiot!” Turning back to her Evil Henchman stalker, she said, “You really mean that?” He nodded, blushing a deeper shade of red. “Look at the camera.” He did, and she pulled at the collar of his shirt until she could give him a small kiss on the cheek. The flash went off, and so did Sakura, to the dressing room to get the hell out of that corset!
--
Evil Henchman #1 stared at the after image of the flash, blinking. The woman came over, and handed him two copies of the photo she’d taken of them. The pretty pink-haired girl was kissing his cheek, and he looked utterly confused. The girl was smiling, though. He felt a blush coming on again, and the woman who worked in the booth laughed at him. “You kids…”
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Chapter notes: Okay. Here's the newest of my crazed fanfiction. Here, we see the Naruto gang in a Scooby-Doo kind of situation. The bad guy is Orochimaru, of course. I hope you have as much fun with it as I had writing it. hehee. Warnings? There's a little bit of language that's too coarse for the younger audience, and some pervvy behavior, but other than that, nope.
Legal Stuffiness: I do not own Naruto, or any of the characters therein. Kishimoto Masashi, sole proprietor, and he owns my soul. I also do not own the songs "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" (Monty Python) and "Moon River" (Jonny Mercer).