In Konoha there was a fine line between teaching and torture. Indeed there was even a chart in the Hokage's office that stated exactly what crossed the line. Neji decided he needed a black marker so that he might add onto that list.
In this instance, he had to admit that he did respect Gai-sensei's boldness his unwavering support, and naturally his strength and fighting abilities. There was much he had learned and looked forward to learning from him.
However sex ed. was not one of those things. Tenten had fallen into a blank-eyed trance the moment the words 'enjoy the virility of your youth with responsibility!' had left their sensei's mouth. It was the exact same trance she'd developed in their crash course of physical torture survival training. He still wasn't sure what her mantra of 'be the ball' had to do with anything.
Neji blinked slowly suppressing a cringe. There was just something really creepy about Gai-sensei saying the word vagina.
Matter of fact, he put that down on his mental list of words that should NEVER be said by Gai-sensei. The previous four: vaginal discharge, penis, anal, and sex. Neji cast a covert glance to his green teammate. Lee had been uncommonly quiet…creepy quiet even. There was a frighteningly intense look on his face as he scribbled notes on a tiny pad.
Neji suppressed a sigh.
"Yes Lee-kun!" Gai turned away from the portable dry eraser board he'd been drawing—something that might have been either an onion or a part of the female anatomy. Neji was going to stick with onion for the sake of his sanity.
Across the field in yet another clearing. Kurenai's team didn't have the benefit of torture survival training yet that was next week. What Kurenai-sensei did have was diagrams! Lots and LOTS of very detailed color-coded (with footnotes for better understanding of what the labeled area was responsible for. FOOTNOTES!) and labeled DIAGRAMS!
Kiba now knew seven forms of birth control, how to test himself for testicular cancer how often he was supposed to test for it as well. He knew how to check for breast cancer, prostate cancer, and even skin cancer! During her PowerPoint presentation of WHAT exactly a pap smear was, the how and why he'd cried. Not just cried, cried like Naruto after having the very last pack of ramen on earth. Cooked and eaten with him tied upside down inches beside the bowl with chopsticks in his hand.
Hinata had passed out cold and Shino was developing a twitch particularly whenever Kurenai said clitoris.
Which she was doing a lot!
"For many years scientist (men)believed that the primary pleasure source for women during sexual intercourse was the actual opening —it is in actuality the clitoris-"
twitch "The clitoris-"twitch
Kiba closed his eyes and dropped his forehead to his knees his dog had disappeared on him somewhere in the middle of her prostate exam slideshow and her lecture on the uterus—Kiba now knew more about the uterus than he ever wanted to know!
He vaguely wondered how Shikamaru's group was holding up. Asuma-sensei had kept them in the classroom…that could only mean one thing. MORE videos.
It was like watching Naruto and Sasuke fight. You knew it was going to be disappointing…but you couldn't take your eyes off of them anyway.
Asuma-sensei sat with his feet propped on Iruka-sensei's desk. Well out of sight of the video he had put on for them—an hour ago. Chouji had stopped eating five minutes into it. Ino had her hands over her ears and her eyes closed as tightly as possible. Shikamaru glared at their sensei. Asuma laced his fingers behind his head and blew smoke out of his nose. A deep chuckle rumbled out behind it.
His introduction to the film had been, "You all know what sex is. Or what you think sex is. This is the result of sex. Enjoy." The sadistic smile on his face as the dvd began sent chills down his spine.
Shikamaru cringed at a particularly piercing scream from the woman with her legs propped up and her husband holding her hand. "Get this damn thing out of me!"
"Keiko calm down this is hard on all of us—" the scarred man smiled gently patting his wife's back. The woman turned on him with a snarl.
"Fuck you Yashi! Hard on US? Oh so it was YOU puking your guts out for the first trimester? You with the back aches, false labor, headaches, sleepless nights, heartburn, cramps, going to the bathroom every five minutes because the fucking kid thinks my bladder is a GOT DAMN TRAMPOLINE?"
Yashi had been backing away from the angry woman steadily throughout the rant. Whoever had the camera turned it on the father-to-be curled in a corner of the room his arms wrapped around his knees in terror.
The cameraman quickly turned back to the woman. There was a med-nin in the place her husband had vacated pushing her gently back onto the table.
"It'll be over soon Keiko we promise." He assured her. A second med-nin went to stand on the woman's other side. "Just be thankful you didn't marry a Uchiha!"
The other med-nin laughed, "Oh yeah! Those Uchiha brats are all HEAD!"
That drew a wimper from Ino.
"Tell me about it—remember Itachi?"
"How could I forget! The screaming alone haunted me for months."
"It should be illegal for those giant headed mutants to marry anyone without wide hips. "
"Amen to that!"
Ino looked almost green…
"Don't worry Ino-chan. Sasuke-kun's birth is the next one." Asuma offered with a smile.
Ino whimpered again and closed her eyes.
"Ino-chan open your eyes you don't want to miss the actual birth do you?"
"I think it's coming!" the woman screamed, and sat bolt upright. Somewhere off camera the sound of apologetic sobbing was heard. "SHUT UP!"
Shikamaru blinked and watched as the child made their way into the world. Slimy and gray…Oh God.
Well…that was traumatizing. He decided he wanted to go hug his mother for a while.
Kakashi looked at his students.
His students glared back at him.
He was three hours late.
They hadn't said a word about it.
He smiled brighter.
They looked very concerned.
This was going to be FUN!
"Yo!" he waved a dvd at them, "Let's get started then shall we?"
They gulped in unison.
Five minutes later the screaming began….
Ahhhh the sounds of suffering—er learning yeah that's it.
"Be the ball. Be the ball. Be the ball. .ball." Tenten was trying hard to get back into her trance. "Gai-sensei noooooooooo. Be the ball!"
Neji was shamelessly clutching her arm for support. Angst and coolness be DAMNED! For that matter damn Lee! He had to ask about breast-feeding didn't he? He just HAD to know how painful was it for women to breast-feed. After offering the information that his mother had breast-fed him for 2 years per their religions stipulations.
Tenten had popped out of her trance at that very unwillingly. Two years? You had TEETH when you where two years old! Even he could see the ouch in that one! Tenten's arms had gone protectively around her bosom.
Of course Gai-sensei didn't feel a simple answer of yes or no would properly scar them. He had then gone on to state information that he had found on the internet regarding breastfeeding as being a slight discomfort for mothers, and how worth it and necessary it was for a bond between mother and child to form.
He'd also gone into The Stone Country tradition of their ruling family. Virgin girls suckled the infants in the belief that their untainted body would provide the purest nutrition. He had then gone on to explain HOW a virgin could produce milk and also there had been cases of men being capable of producing milk for babies as well. As well as his intention to aid his future spouse to the best of his ability in the breastfeeding process. It was the manly thing to do after all.
THAT scarring mental image was the reason he was almost in Tenten's chanting lap. While Lee looked upon their gold glowing sensei with tearful admiration.
An image of a shirtless and tearful Gai-sensei pressing a green blanket covered infant to his chest, one hand raised in a thumbs up.(Good guy pose take 2!) "Drink DRINK the elixir of life young one! So you may one day enjoy the springtime of your youth!" A mini hand emerged from the blanket in a thumbs up.
It was just so WRONG! Neji caught himself before the sob could break through his wall of angst and anger.
At the end of the day. The rookie nine were gathered in Iruka's classroom. Waiting for the arrival of Gai and his team.
Naruto was quietly curled under a desk in the far back of the room. The sound of a head rhythmically hitting the inside of the desk could be heard. Sakura was sitting extremely wide-eyed and ramrod straight between a whimpering Hinata and Ino curled in as small a ball as the chair would allow. Mumbling something about Sasuke's head and Chouji's meat boulder technique. Both of them intensely NOT looking at Sasuke.
Which probably was for the best considering his current glazed expression.
Asuma arched a brow, and murmured out the side of his mouth to Kakashi. "Nice work? What'd you do to them?"
Kakashi's visible eye curved up in a smile. "Fannie does Fire Country parts one, two, and three. Rounded off with a little Icha Icha paradise. "
"You read Icha Icha to them?"
Kakashi tilted his head to the side. "No I had them take turns reading out loud."
"That's just cruel." Kurenai glared at them out of the corner of her eye.
Asuma and Kakashi let their eyes wander to a twitchy Shino and Kiba mumbling something about diagrams…then back to Kurenai.
Kurenai smiled innocently. "I'll take my winnings in large bills."
Kakashi smirked—at least they thought it was a smirk. "You haven't won yet. Take a closer look at Sakura. She cried all the way back over here. Naruto hasn't said a word in 20 minutes."
"Hinata fainted twice."
"She doesn't count." Asuma glanced towards the poor girl in question. Eyes closed and face beet red.
"Kiba cried for his mother, and Shino twitches every time you say a word that starts with c."
Kurenai hmphed, "I'll prove it. Shino!"
Shino lifted his head and regarded his sensei impassively. "I am going to need you to meet me at the training grounds a little early in the morning. Think about what you want me to cook " twitch " For breakfast. I am going to leave it in your capable twitch hands to get your teammates there as well are we clear ?twitch"
"Hai sensei." The boy said evenly.
Kurenai turned back to the other jounin with a gentle smile.
"I knew you were evil deeeeep down." Asuma grinned.
"What did you do to the brats?"
Asuma blew smoke out of the corner of his mouth, "Well remember that video Genma put together a few years back for Miko's baby shower? "
"The one that sent Ibiki running from the room, and made hardened jounin squirm?"
"That's the one."
"You didn't." Kurenai glanced up at a softly keening Ino.
"Did you also remember Sasuke's birth made the cut?"
Kurenai blinked, remember? She'd been trying to forget! The size of that HEAD! Good God! She'd squeezed her legs shut tighter around any Uchiha she passed for weeks afterward!
"And I'm evil?"
Asuma shrugged, "Most effective crush killer I've ever seen."
"Breaking Ino's Sasuke obsession…you just might win."
The elite jounin looked over their victim—er students with pride at a job well done. It was at this time that Gai and team arrived. Lee with his usual enthusiasm, Tenten looking only slightly dazed but no worse for wear. The left side of her top was a little damp, and there were bruises shaped like fingertips on her arm. Then Neji arms crossed and scowl in place marched in last.
"I apologize for the delay. My beloved students needed a moment to reign in their youthful excitement."
All three jounin arched a brow.
Lee stood up and clapped a hand on Neji's shoulder, a look of support and pride on his face. "Neji cried."
The boy in question twitched. Tenten gave his arm a little pat.
"Neji there is nothing to be ashamed of!" Gai boomed striking his nice guy pose. "Only the weak are afraid to cry! Those who are not confident in their strength as men would make another feel ashamed for doing so!" again with the nice guy pose.
Everyone pretended they didn't see Sasuke's death glare, or hear Ino's shriek of giant head! Don't looook at meeee!
Kakashi looked at Gai then back to a bright red Neji brushing off the caring hands of his teammates.
Gai made fate boy cry. "What did you do?" he asked quietly.
Gai turned back towards him suddenly ending his tirade on manliness and the healing properties of tears. "Ah my eternal rival. I was telling my students of the joys of breastfeeding-"
"Did you know Kakashi-sensei that men can produce milk!" Lee cut in brightly.
Neji let out a sound somewhere between a kunai in the nuts and the sound a man's soul might make before Enma dragged their sorry ass down into hell.
"It's just WRONG!"
Tenten gave him a pat on the back.
Kurenai, Asuma, and Kakashi exchanged a glance then dug out the 1000 ryou each for Gai.
It was at that point that the classroom door slammed open to reveal the angel of vengeance. Which amazingly had a scar just like Iruka's across his nose—oh wait that was Iruka. Oh shit. Well maybe he didn't know. (translation: I hope he doesn't know about my involvement!)
"Gai-sensei! Kakashi-sensei! I heard some very disturbing rumors!" he cast a quick glance around the room at the varying degrees of trauma looking back at him. Then reassessed his statement. "What did you do to them!"
Kakashi immediately tried to activate plausible lie no jutsu –he could feel the other three doing the same. It fizzled however when Naruto popped out from under the desk at the sound of Iruka-sensei's voice. (translation: YEA! Iruka-sensei will explain away any uncomfortable things I might have been exposed to today! And make Kaka-bastard suffer!) He was at the door face buried in the teacher's jacket in seconds spilling faster than a greased weasel through a drain pipe.
Moments later Ino Sakura and Hinata were five again as well and clinging to Iruka-sensei's waist.
Something cold ran up Kakashi's spine. Death was approaching…and it's name was Umino…
"Plan of action?" Asuma asked backing (calmly) towards a window.
"I say we give him Kakashi and run!" Kurenai offered.
"We never leave a man behind!" Gai this time.
"We could fight?" Kurenai.
"No we can't. I like sex." Kakashi snapped, trying to use I'm-sorry-really-please-don't –get-blood-on-my-new mask no jutsu. It fizzled.
"Run." In four puffs of smoke the elite jounin vanished not to be seen again for two weeks.
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