Reviews For Reality Check
Name: Rowanrose (Signed) · Date: 23/02/12 - 03:33 pm · For: Chapter 1 - You Can Prove Nothing
hmmm, I know Audriana and Adrian... *sigh* i keep starting stories, not finishing them, then restarting them and getting deja vu. Did you rewrite it?
Firstly - amazing summary. Really cool one, well written. I liked it.
but- there's just a little bit too much extra stuff in this chapter. By including a lot of extra stuff, you kind of bog down the story. Also, the transition from her dangling from a tree then realizing, quite camly, that she's in another world, is jarring to say the least. It should be a little smoother.
Haha, I kind of want to know who the voice belongs to.
Author's Response: Ah! You're Peanut Butter girl! Sorry, that probably made no sense. I was just going over the reviews I've made in the past the other day, and I had reviewed your story for DDTD, "Peanut Butter and Pickle is BitterSweet Happiness". It really was so cute. Okay okay. First, thanks for the review. I have a new reviewer! This would be the third version of this story. Glad you liked my review. After reading this review, I went back and reread the first chapter. I know what you mean about the extra stuff, and maybe I'll re-edit just the first chapter. It was a lot of the original, and I was having a hard time letting go of some of the old stuff when my writing wasn't so great. I need to be more tough on myself. I guess I get what you mean about her calm realization being jarring. All I can say to that is Audriana's a little... insane might be the right word. She's really at odds with her world already, and she fights mentally to never be caught off guard. To be surprised is to be your downfall in her way of thinking. None the less, I will go over it and see if I can make it smoother. Thanks so much for the review. I can always make improvements. Out, Masumi-san T_T P.S. You want to know who the voice belongs to? So does everyone else! Maybe it's just a crazy girl's alter ego? Or maybe it's something completely different. We'll just have to wait and find out. ;)
Name: DropDeadThenDance (Signed) · Date: 22/02/12 - 07:58 pm · For: Chapter 5 - Lacking Senses
She really wants him to kill her, doesn't she? Ha, anyway, awesome chapter! Loads of fun here and I saw a lot of great images through out the forest scene.
I am totally in love with that section of this chapter and it really blew me away with the amount of emotion your character felt in simply being in the forest. It added just the right amount of softness to Masumi's personality. I was really impressed by how you described her feelings.
Also, this chapter seems like an opening into her mind a little bit. It seemed that she feels misplaced in the Naruto world, as many of us would, but it seems that it is hinted that she felt the same way about the real world as well. I don't know, maybe I'm just talking out my nose :D
Overall, fantastic chapter! Well worth the read time and I really liked how you laid this out for us!! Good job!
Sorry for the endless praise!! XD
Author's Response: Che. Zabuza can't kill Audriana! She's invincible! Also, she's too cute and adorable and conniving! The forest scene was one of my favorite things to write out of all my works. I guess it's easier to describe those feelings when they are your own. Audriana is based off of me, but that scene was ALL me, I guess you could say, emotion wise, anyhow. No matter what is going on, if I can make it to the woods somewhere far off, all can be healed, at least for a time. Well, now you have an insight of how my mind works and views the world. Don't you feel special? XP I don't think you're talking out of your nose. It makes me happy you were able to pick that up. Maybe it's because you actually know me as well. Thanks for the review, and there's never a need to apologize for too much praise! Out, Sumi-cha T_T
Author's Response: Che. Zabuza can't kill Audriana! She's invincible! Also, she's too cute and adorable and conniving! The forest scene was one of my favorite things to write out of all my works. I guess it's easier to describe those feelings when they are your own. Audriana is based off of me, but that scene was ALL me, I guess you could say, emotion wise, anyhow. No matter what is going on, if I can make it to the woods somewhere far off, all can be healed, at least for a time. Well, now you have an insight of how my mind works and views the world. Don't you feel special? XP I don't think you're talking out of your nose. It makes me happy you were able to pick that up. Maybe it's because you actually know me as well. Thanks for the review, and there's never a need to apologize for too much praise! Out, Sumi-cha T_T
Name: silverwolf1213 (Signed) · Date: 22/02/12 - 03:54 am · For: Chapter 5 - Lacking Senses
I don't think Zabuza was too nice. His threats were quite valid for his character. I am honestly waiting for the big event between Zabuza and Audrianna though, just something big that really establishes their relationship.
I did really enjoy the scene where Audrianna went wandering through the forest. Everything you wrote in that scene was very beautiful and just very touching.
You know, I glanced at the summary before reading this... I don't know how her being an actress with her emotions really applies so far. Am I missing the point, could you help me out here?
Anyway, this was a very well-written chapter. You're describing everything very well, and as always, I look forward to more. Keep up the good work.
Author's Response: I don't know if you'll get the big event that you're hoping for or not. No, actually, I think you will, but it will be in some very interesting circumstances that also could stop the relationship from moving forward. Unfortunately, this is kind of inevitable because both are the type to refuse/deny becoming close to another, for their own reasons of course. I am glad you liked the forest scene. I took a few bits from previous work, but I put a lot of myself and my feelings into that scene. You are right that her acting with her emotions has not been applied too terribly yet. Audriana has always been obsessed with Zabuza and Haku and they have some darker history and emotions as well, so she felt a bit more open with them. Soon, as she encounters new people, it will become more evident. Also, as the story progresses far in the future, she will start to become a little more honest with her emotions to everyone. But that is a very long time from now! Thanks for the review and praise. And if you're looking forward to more, you're in luck because I'm planning on a double update on Friday in order to meet a special deadline. I think you will enjoy the surprise I have in store in a few weeks. ^_~
Name: DropDeadThenDance (Signed) · Date: 19/02/12 - 06:49 pm · For: Chapter 4 - Eat, Sleep, and, Yes, Go to the Bathroom
Well, interestingly enough. I can see why Zabuza would refuse to train Masumi with a sword. Using a sword is a refined, honorably style that even Zabuza would not want to desecrate with a student he wasn't POSITIVE would be worth training. Also, the fact that Masumi is rather on the small side is a huge key factor, though I do not agree that the smaller person is always at a disadvantage. I mean, look at Edward Elric!
Another thing, if you think about it, Zabuza has a very keen eye for quality. Haku is a prime example of his high standards and expectations of raw talent in his students, so Masumi must have something that really sparks his interest. Maybe her chakra??
Anyway, awesome chapter! I really liked how you set everything up and the way you portrayed the normal lifestyles of the two was somewhat entertaining as well. I agree with you completely in that respect so it's nice to see people expose a little of that in their stories.
OK! I'll get out of your hair! Good chapter overall, lots to like, even if it was a bit shorter than I'm use to ;)
Looking forward to more!
Author's Response: There is a little more to the sword bit as well. I decided to give Zabuza a slightly more colorful past. But you can read more about that later! You are not the only one who agrees that size is not an issue. Audriana feels that way, too! Zabuza just doesn't care. TAT Although, her chakra is definitely NOT what struck his interest. You can come back for the next chapter to learn more about that. *wink* (Not really. I can't wink XP) It was more her stubborn strength and the cold look in her eyes. He thought she would make a good killer if only trained. (Little does he know that in the future Audriana will refuse to kill period! *laughs hysterically*) Glad you like the portrayal of their normal lives! I loved writing that first paragraph. Anyhow, thanks for the review! Masumi-san T_T P.S. And I did make note of the shortness! XP Some of my chapters are probably shorter than what you are used to reading from my old stuff.
Name: silverwolf1213 (Signed) · Date: 19/02/12 - 03:48 pm · For: Chapter 4 - Eat, Sleep, and, Yes, Go to the Bathroom
Masumoto? Did you mean Masashi Kishimoto?
Other than that little bit of confusion, I really liked this chapter. My favorite part, no matter how un-developmental it was, was when you described how Zabuza and Haku are normal. That just really made me very happy, how you described their life outside of the fighting and killing.
I'm also glad to see that Audrianna is doing well in her training... well, sort of, I suppose. It sounds like she's not great in certain areas, which I think makes her less Mary-Sue, so I'm very thankful for that right now.
Another thing is that I like how you included some insight into Haku's mind, how he could be jealous of Audrianna for hanging around Zabuza. I want to see more of that because it really does make a lot of sense.
I really enjoyed this chapter, great work! Keep up the awesome work!
Author's Response: Wow! I didn't even notice that mistake! Like, I know it's Kishimoto, but I must have been really must have been out of it when I was writing. I'll go fix that as soon as I'm done responding. This was definitely one of my favorite chapters to write. I guess I just really wanted to make the realness of their life more real because it is big in Masumi settling down. More of the realness in trying to not make her too Mary-Sue, so I'm glad to hear that. The next chapter will address more of Audriana's in both life and her training, so youjust got a semi sneak peak! XP When I wrote the thing about Haku possibly being jealous, DDTD said that she thought it was a little unrealistic because he's so considerate and just devoted, but I think you've got to remember that everyone gets jealous at some point, and Zabuza IS the biggest thing in Haku's life. He's really kind, so I don't think he would resent Audriana, but I do think at certain times he would be a little bugged. I'm glad you were able to enjoy this chapter and thanks for the review!
Name: DropDeadThenDance (Signed) · Date: 15/02/12 - 05:35 pm · For: Chapter 3 - Following Zabuza's Schedule, Whether my Body Likes it or Not
Ha, shouldn't you include that these things should not be attempted at home? lol
Very good chapter and I love how you are working with Zabuza's character. He was always one of my favorites, but I really must avoid using him so much!
Anyway, time to focus! I really liked how you played out Audriana's interactions with people, and I like how Zabuza is tolerant of her, but not spoiling her, which we see with a lot of Mary Sues now a days. The relationship between them, although slightly rushed, is still very believable and makes for some fun quirks and spins throughout the chapter!!
All in all, great work with this one!!
P.S. Are you still reading Fire Escape, or did you finish it already? Make sure you review!! XD
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing again! But I totally agree with attempting these things at home! Just be warned it may be a very stupid idea that could end in death! XP Of course, he is one of my favorites as well. I have only allowed myself to use him in this story, though, because I like to keep my pairings always changing with each story. I'm glad you like Audriana's way of interacting with people. I find it fun to be like that, so I had a lot of fun writing it. And, you know me, don't relationships that I actually like and want always seem to rush a little? :3 Thanks so much for the support! T_T Masumi-san P.S. I am reading Fire Escape when I have time, but I'm really busy with homework and also have a few other fanfictions I'm supposed to be reading. Thus, it's going a little slowly.
Name: silverwolf1213 (Signed) · Date: 15/02/12 - 03:47 am · For: Chapter 3 - Following Zabuza's Schedule, Whether my Body Likes it or Not
I just read your response to my last review, and now I'm all flustered. I didn't realize you would appreciate my opinion so much. Now I feel all special and whatnot :3
I don't really have as much to nitpick with this. Zabuza was pretty much in character, and Audrianna was just as entertaining to read about as she always is. Realistically, I think this chapter went more smoothly than the others. I was able to envision the events of this chapter without questioning anything. Nice job ;) I did enjoy this chapter, and I look forward to more of Audrianna's training with Zabuza.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm very glad I was able to portray Zabuza well, though as time passes Audriana's presence will start to affect him a bit. I would have to agree that this chapter flowed more smoothly. Audriana's definitely not going to do so many drastic things as she calms down from the high of being in a new world. Unfortunately, her training with Zabuza is not delved into extremely deeply. There is more emphasis on her thoughts and emotions as she becomes accustomed to this world. Still, I hope you will still continue to enjoy this work, as the most important thing I want to remember as writer is that I can reach others with my story. I'm always editing my chapters many times and adding and subtracting things before I finally post them, so the feel of things is not completely set yet.
Name: JubileeOfPuppies (Signed) · Date: 12/02/12 - 08:10 am · For: Chapter 1 - You Can Prove Nothing
Wow, as 3D said, this is nearly identical to the original, but with more detail. You also changed up the ending, which is awesome. I like this better than the first version and I hope to get around to reading the other chapter.... At some point... (Is reading to many damn stories)Your description was great and the humor made the bitterness of Audriana more likable. I feel less like I'm reading about a snob than I did last time. I hope this story goes far. Oh, and you think your bio is over done? Check mine out lol
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! If you do get around reading the second chapter, it does change quite a bit, but later on many things will be the same or similar as well. But aren't we all reading too much fanfiction? XP Although Audriana is bitter, the goal was to ease it up with satirical humor, so I'm glad it worked. She will become less bitter as the story goes on, though, as she grows and matures. And, wow. Gotta love what you've done with your bio! I hope I can continue to bring comedy goodness to TONFA in the future. Out, T_T UzamakiMasumi
Name: Geishagrl (Signed) · Date: 12/02/12 - 04:13 am · For: Chapter 2 - Who's the Girl?
I love this! The way you write is kind of like me in how thoughts are just regurgitated onto the keyboard xD Or maybe that's just me. And this is the rewrite? I'm thinking about doing that for my first story too, since my character is a total Mary-sue. I think 'Masumi' is cool. Although, how old is she? I don't know if I'd have the kind of nerve to flirt with an older guy like that, especially as dangerous as Zabuza xD But Masumi seems to be all nerves of steel. That's pretty kick ass. :) I can't wait to see more!
Author's Response: Hello! Thanks for so much for the review! I mean, I always love reviews of any kind, but obviously we all prefer the positive ones. My parts of the first version were really crappy, but I'm glad to say I have improved a lot. Masumi's actually 17. She would be going into her senior year in high school if not for the dimension jump. Of course, her age will be mentioned in one of the next few chapters.rnrnShe's basically me, and I am really basically not afraid of anything. My friends say that I'm stupid in that respect because there are many things I should be afraid of but am not. Also, since she's kind of in 'I'm living the fanfiction dream baby' mode she's brave enough to do anything, even if it's severely stupid. I like older guys, sooooo, eh, but Zabuza's age is about the limit. Any older than that and it just ain't right. Although, I also have a thing for Orochimaru, but his tongue just grosses me out, so nothing could ever come of that. XPrnrnOnce again, thanks so much for the review. I hope I can continue to bring you more entertainment in the future. T_T
Name: silverwolf1213 (Signed) · Date: 11/02/12 - 11:00 am · For: Chapter 2 - Who's the Girl?
Normally, when I read girl-falls-into-Narutoverse stories, I form a quick opinion of the OC and the plotline. It's usually a rather negative view, since the idea is so overdone.
As for this story... I can't form an opinion yet. This is actually very entertaining to read. Audriana is very amusing to read about, her personality is very... different. But that can also be a bad thing because too different can make the story unrelatable and even make the character a Mary-Sue (as DDTD pointed out). It's just a warning.
Another thing would be Zabuza. Just... don't make him too nice. If this is before the Land of Waves arc, that means he's still rather mean to people. Maybe not mean all the time, but he's definitely not too friendly either.
But as I said, this is entertaining to read, and I do look forward to reading more. Since I haven't formed a set opinion yet, you still have time to make me fall in love with the story ;) I can't wait to see what else you come up with. Keep up the good work.
Author's Response: First, I want to say thank you thank you thank you so much for the review. I see your reviews all over the site, and I've always really respected your insights on stories. So it's really exciting to see one of your reviews on my own story. I'm glad I was able to break the pattern and come out with something new. Audriana is almost identical to myself in personality, so I really hope she won't become unrelatable. The story might end up a little Mary-Sue because of some of the circumstances, but Audriana actually doesn't even want to become a shinobi, so maybe it won't.rnrnI'm trying really hard to make Zabuza mean enough. I hope I can do him justice. Although I did purposely make him a little nicer for the first encounter because the idea was she caught his interest because of how strange and coldly stubborn she seemed. I hope I can make you fall in love with my story, and once again thanks for the review.
Name: DropDeadThenDance (Signed) · Date: 11/02/12 - 06:34 am · For: Chapter 2 - Who's the Girl?
"Turns out you were just showering. How boring."
Really, Zabuza, really? You had to go there?
ha ha, anyway, awesome chapter! I really liked how this chapter kind of developed "Masumi" and made her a little bit more interesting. Also, the dynamics between her, Haku, and Zabuza are really entertaining.
I think this story is a lot like the original, but has a lot more potential than it first did. I really like where you're taking this, and I am looking forward to more!!
Author's Response: Yes, I had to go there. I mean, come on, you know how I am. I have a serious addiction to Zabuza and Kabuto, and when around the right people I can be a flirt if I want to. I really love Haku, you know. He's one of those kids who even I could get along with in a strange way. A lot of the plot will be similar, but this time the focus is on how she grows and matures. Thanks so much for reviewing. I heart you!
Name: DropDeadThenDance (Signed) · Date: 11/02/12 - 05:54 am · For: Chapter 1 - You Can Prove Nothing
HA!
It barely changed from the original story line, although this one is far more entertaining! I'm so glad your writing as improved, it sounds like a story, not script :D
Ok, just so this doesn't sound like pointless praise, here is what I thought of the first chapter: It was funny, light hearted, and I really liked the way it read. The character is very adorable, if not snotty in her own right, and she makes for a fantastic comedian, but still has the potential to be a serious character.
I like how you worded everything, very creative, and I like the feel this story has so far. On the other hand, I would strongly suggest that you be very careful what she knows how to do and when she does it. You want to avoid the whole Mary-sue thing, but I don't think you will have much of a problem :D
Overall, great story start here! I really look forward to the next chapter!!
Author's Response: Totally. Yeah. I actually took my first chapter and mostly just edited it, but the second chapter is completely different, though I think you've already figured that out. Some of her skill does end up seeming to build kind of quickly because I go over the boring first few weeks very fast. I do spend a whole chapter pointing out her problems and downfalls, though! I hope she seems realistic because she is basically me. Thank you so much for the kind words. I've really been working on my writing style, and I've noticed it getting more and more sarcastic in a playful manner. She will obviously be a little Mary-sue as you know some of the later plot, but I'm trying to keep her from going over the top.