Disclaimer: I don’t own Naruto…but it’d be pretty cool if I did!
AN: I’m am trying to be more descriptive and take it SLOW which is something I’ve always had problems with.
A big thanks to Crimson Sakura Princess for betaing this chapter!
Naruto’s POV
It’s always the same. I wake up wishing to be someone different, but I know it isn’t possible no matter what type of mask I wear. I’m still the same person. I try my best not to think that way but let’s face it. My life hasn’t exactly been a picnic with the way i've been treated. Will the village ever acknowledge me? No. Neji was right, people never change who they are. Well, rather it’s near impossible for a person to change themselves. I can’t change who I am, and the villagers can’t change who they are. Who was I trying to kid? Was I really so naïve? I can’t leave my house without being glared at or worse. I can’t walk outside at night for fear the villagers would gang up on me. Which they’ve tried several times before, but Iruka or Kakashi had always stepped in. I still don’t know to this day why I LOVE this village and everyone in it with all my heart.
I would give my life to save these people! The very same people who have made my life a living hell! I’ve been beaten and ridiculed all my life by these people and I can honestly say I hold no grudges and I hate no one. My dream to be Hokage, I guess, it wouldn't matter much if I don’t have the respect of the village. I know my friends and most of the shinobi here would respect me, but the civilians? No. They never will. Being Hokage would be empty if the people can’t trust me. Why do things always happen like this? Why was I chosen to house the Kyuubi?! It’s not fair! I hate it, I really hate myself.
End Naruto’s POV
The blonde boy sat in his kitchen on the floor hugging his knees to his chest, while a steady flow of tears blurred his vision. He rocked back and forth slightly lost in his thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. He had tried to sleep but he couldn’t. It was early morning now. He stayed that way for hours waiting to leave to meet his team at the bridge. Maybe he would just show up and tell Kakashi he was ill and go home. It could work, maybe.
‘Yea right.’
It was an hour before they were to meet at the bridge and Naruto picked his shaking body up from the ground and tried his best to compose himself. He was able to stop shaking after a while and plastered that ridiculous grin to his face. He checked the mirror to be certain he looked composed enough. After all they were his problems and no one else’s. He locked his apartment and left. It wasn’t long before the glares started and whispering. He did his best at being friendly by smiling and even saying “Good morning.” All it earned him was more foul looks and a few resulted to throw rocks at him or even shove him. But he never got angry or fought back; he just kept on his way. It wouldn’t be right if he fought back. It’s not their fault they felt this way. Their hearts are damaged by what happened the day the Kyuubi attacked. They had no way of healing if they couldn’t blame someone. It was just unfortunate for Naruto that he was that someone.
‘I can’t blame them, everything was my fault. I’m the nine tailed fox.’
His thoughts were interrupted as a particularly large stone was flung at his head and caught him off guard. He stumbled forward a bit rubbing his head. He was seeing double. He kept his smile in place even though his head was throbbing in pain. He rubbed the back of his head.
‘I’m sorry. Please I’m sorry. Forgive me!’ Naruto inwardly begged to be forgiven for things he didn’t do.
“Monster!”
His hand was covered in blood but he didn’t care he just kept walking. These sorts of things were just part of his life. It was always going to be this way no matter how hard he tried to change it.
‘I am a monster.’
His eyes held sadness while his mouth was in an unnatural smile. If you weren’t paying attention you would think nothing was wrong by the boy’s actions and large smile. But those eyes told everything if someone would just look, but they wouldn’t. No one noticed ever. Naruto was screaming inside for just one person to notice. Just one person to care about him. He sighed reaching the bridge forty minutes early; he rinsed the blood from his hand and did the best he could do for his hair. The blood had crusted and dried. He sat along the stream waiting for everyone else to arrive. He stared at his reflection in the water and was only able to see the Kyuubi. He cringed in disgust at his reflection. His hand punched at the water’s surface while tears threatened to flow.
‘I can’t do this anymore…’
Inside he was breaking to pieces. He longed to be forgiven by the villagers. He longed for his hell to end, but he could see no way out. He was trapped in this life. A life that was chosen for him.
It wasn’t long before his ears detected Sakura fangirling herself at Sasuke who just ignored her the entire time. It had been that way since Naruto damn near killed himself to bring Sasuke back to her. Sakura no longer talks to Naruto or even seems to care. She got what she wanted and now she didn’t have time for him. Naruto quickly gathered back his smile and readied himself for today’s plans. Hopefully they were just training. He really didn’t feel like going on any missions. Sakura’s voice grew louder and Naruto stood.
“UH…where’s Naruto…he’s such a loser. I mean we made it here on time.”
‘A loser? After all this time that’s how you still think of me? After I brought Sasuke back to you? What do I have to do to be acknowledged?’
Naruto dropped his head in shame he wished the stream was deep enough to drown himself in, but it wasn’t. He sighed turning around with his smile and walked up.
“You’re late Naruto!” yelled Sakura.
“Sorry.” He managed to say, but the words came out awkwardly.
Sakura was probably about to hit Naruto not realizing he’d actually been the first to arrive, while Sasuke had known the whole time he was there; he just chose not to say anything. Although he thought it was weird that Naruto hadn’t said that he’d been there the whole time. Before he could think this through any further Kakashi poofed himself into existence or it would seem that way to a non-shinobi.
“Sorry I’m late guys I got lost on the path of life….”
“Yeah right!!!” yelled Sakura angrily.
Kakashi looked in Naruto’s direction waiting for a reply from the blonde about his being late but it never came. Kakashi realized how out of character it was for the blonde and spoke up.
“Eh Naruto aren’t you going to yell too?”
“He just got here too sensei!” chimed Sakura.
“I see. Is that so?”
“Yea…hehe...I woke up late.”
“Okay well anyways training's been canceled for today!”
‘The new Icha Icha paradise came out today!’
With that he poofed himself from existence again rushing to the book store to get the new issue of his beloved porno novel.
“What!! He made us wait just to cancel?!” yelled a very pissed off Sakura.
“Hn.” Was all Sasuke said.
Naruto was secretly glad it ended up this way. He was in no mood to fuck around. He didn’t think it was possible to feel worse than he’d felt this morning but he did. He felt awful. Sakura’s words to Sasuke however little it seemed cut Naruto like a kunai.
“Well I’ll catch you guys later then!” Naruto smiled at them leaving.
Sasuke stared at the dried blood on the back of his head and wondered for moment before the thought was pushed from his head. Sakura had decided to bombard him with questions and nonsense.
Naruto may have smiled as he walked home but inside he was dying. Behind that smile of his was little boy curled up in a ball of pain. He just felt so alone, so cold. He avoided eye contact with the villagers on his way home. He wasn’t sure he could keep his smile going. He tried his best to shut out the harsh names they called him, but in his state it was hopeless. He heard every hurtful word and the pain it made him feel was almost unbearable. It hurt so much he could barely breathe.
It wasn’t long before he reached his home. In his state of sadness he hadn’t managed to shut his front door completely and didn’t notice. He wandered into his bathroom shutting the door behind him. He looked in the mirror. His reflection seemed to morph in front of his very eyes into the Kyuubi. He began to cry.
‘Damn fox!’
Naruto punched the mirror full force. The shards of broken glass shattered and flew to the ground. Naruto wasn’t far behind. He dropped to his knees sobbing. His hand was bleeding freely, but he didn’t care. Kyuubi healed it quickly.
‘Damn fox! Can’t I even bleed on my own?! You’ve ruined me fox!’
He hugged his knees to his chest and began to rock slightly just as before.
‘Why me? Why did the 4th have to seal away the nine tails inside me? It’s not fair.’
~Tsunade’s Office~
“Ah you’re finally here.”
“Yes Hokage.” ‘Though it’s troublesome I was cloud watching.’
“I need you to take these papers to Naruto please.”
“Yes Hokage.”
‘Why do I have the troublesome tasks? I was just minding my own business when she sent her goons out for me to do her bidding.'
The Nara boy sighed lightly..
‘I guess it can’t be helped. They are labeled as important so I guess a chunin has to deliver them. It's still troublesome.'
~Back with Naruto~
His sobbing peaked. He hated himself more than anyone would ever know. He hated the Kyuubi with every bit of his being.
‘Bastard fox!’
He smirked as he realized how he could help everyone. Maybe they’d consider respecting him. Maybe he’d finally be seen as the hero the 4th said he should be treated as. He glanced at the shards that littered the floor around him and smiled, maybe it was fake, maybe it was real, but it was smile. He grasped the sharpest looking shard and held it in front of his eyes for a while. His tears stopped but his face was still puffy and looked like he’d cry again at any second.
The glass shined beautifully in the light from the bathroom. He took the shard to his wrist and dug deeply. His face cringed with the pain, but in some sick way it felt good. The Kyuubi begun almost immediately on healing his wounds, but Naruto just kept stabbing his wrist and slicing. He quickly moved to the other wrist and the fox’s chakra was fading and couldn’t keep up with Naruto. But still he couldn’t die with the fox in him.
‘DAMN YOU!!! We’re going to die here and now fox!’
Naruto took the shard and stabbed his own stomach. Naruto gasped in pain but just kept stabbing repeatedly into his gut. He stopped only to savor the pain. To Naruto it was like that pain was freedom, and he could taste it. The blood started pooling around him. He heard a noise but kept with the stabbing and slashing trying to exhaust the fox’s chakra so he could bleed enough to die. This pitiful scene went on for a while, and then he started sobbing again. Even in his state he thought of his feelings of guilt for all the pain and suffering he’d caused the villagers.
‘I’m sorry for everything.’
Shikamaru stood in the doorway of Naruto’s home looking confused as to why the front door was left open. After a few seconds he let himself in. His eyes scanned the room.
“Naruto?”
He looked in the kitchen and as he turned the corner he could hear the sobs from the bathroom.
“Naruto?” he called knocking lightly on the door, when his call was met with sobs the brunette grew worried.
He opened the bathroom door without even thinking. Shikamaru’s eyes widened in shock at the grisly scene before him; the sight would haunt him forever. The blonde was barely conscious stabbing himself in the gut.
“Naruto! Stop!”
He made a reach for the shard but Naruto pressed it as far into his gut as he could. The sight brought tears to Shikamaru’s eyes and he tried to pick the blonde up to get him some help.
“Leave me alone!”
“What? Why would you do something like this?!”
Naruto lost consciousness and Shikamaru picked him up and ran the fastest he’d ever run in his whole life, crying. He was in shock and couldn’t believe his friend would do something like this. The villagers seemed quite happy at the sight of Naruto covered in blood barely hanging on to life. They watched hoping he’d die. Shikamaru hadn’t noticed his gaze was focused on the hospital swiftly coming in to view. Naruto was stirring a bit and opened his eyes weakly to look up at Shikamaru.
“Don’t you die on me!”
“Sorry.” The blonde whispered.
“Why Naruto? Why?!”
“People can’t change who they are….”
AN: A bit darker than I’d originally intended but I hope you like it!
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