(Scene cuts to opening credits of “The Akatsuki Bunch”. The theme song plays, sung by twelve year olds picked up off the streets of Amagekure, and then unceremoniously thrown back into the gutter once the recording was finished.)
Who was hell bent on world domination
But he was too arrogant, this is true,
He had to cut and run.
Here's the story, of nine strange shinobi,
Some call them “kawaii” but they just look like girls.
They think themselves as badass motherfuckers,
It’s enough to make you hurl.
Then one day the maniac met the ninjas
And they knew that it was much more than a hunch.
That this group would somehow form a family.
That's the way we all became the Akatsuki Bunch.
(You’ll lose your lunch!)
That's the way we became the Akatsuki Bunch!
(Credits end, and the scene changes to the living room of a rather spacious flat in some nondescript urban metropolis. Tobi sits in front of the TV, playing a video game, while Deidara sits at a coffee table, shaping and sculpting his clay. Itachi sits at an easy chair, painting his nails.)
Deidara: Let’s see, a bit more here…and a little less here and (he flinches, ruining his sculpture) DAMNIT TOBI! Turn your game down! It’s too damn loud!
Tobi: But Tobi’s a good boy! (he returns to feverishly playing his videogame)
Itachi: (forlornly) I wish I had a good boy right now…
(Laugh track)
Deidara: Tobi, if you don’t turn that down right now, I’m going to kill you.
Tobi: What do you mean, Deidara-senpai? First you’re nice to Tobi, and bake Tobi these delicious cookies, (takes a bite out of a “cookie”) and now you want to kill Tobi?
Deidara: Those weren’t cookies, Tobi…
Tobi: Ummmm (glances at stomach)
(An explosion rips through the flat. When the smoke clears, Tobi is covered with soot. His clothes are torn, and his hair stands on end)
Deidara: Art is a blast!
(Laugh track)
Itachi: Would you two dumbasses keep it down! It’s impossible to concentrate with you children playing around so noisily. (he absent mindedly examines his freshly painted nails)
Deidara: Jeesh, and they call me the gay one…
(laugh track)
Itachi: What was that?
Deidara: Oh, nothing. Nothing at’all.
(Tobi gets up, brushes himself off, glaring menacingly at Deidara through hole in his mask. Konan enters through the front door.)
Konan: Hey guys, I’m home—what the hell happened here?
Deidara: Tobi was being too loud, so I showed him just how much of a blast art can be.
(awkward laugh track)
Itachi: Tell this buffoon to clean up the messes he makes, Konan.
Konan: My, my, looks like someone is having relationship issues with Kisame…
(laugh track)
Deidara: Well, you guys have a very Akatsuki day. I can’t hang around Tobi much longer, he’s ruining my muse.
Tobi: But, Tobi is a good b—(he pauses, looks at the camera)—you know what, fuck it, this sketch is too silly. I mean, I was going to roll with this insane idea for an Akatsuki sitcom, but the “very Akatsuki day” just completely ruined it. I mean, what next? Are we going to rip Friends, and place Team Seven as a group of friends in some nameless metropolis?
Director: Umm, actually, we have that pilot in the works right now…
Tobi: I’m speechless…
Deidara: Yeah, I’ll be in my trailer if anyone needs me. (he leaves in a huff)
Voiceover: Well, it appears that The Akatsuki Bunch will not be available in the near future, so we are temporarily reinstating “And Now for Something Completely Different”, giving the writer a harsh warning about the appropriateness of his content.
(The scene abruptly changes to an urban area that looks strikingly like Okayama, Japan. The sun is beginning to set, and life has slowed to a crawl in this peaceful residential neighborhood. Three individuals, Sakura, Sai, and Naruto, are dressed in urban camouflage and brandishing AK-47s. They creep through the hedges. They approach a modest sized home in complete silence.)
Sakura: No sign of any sentries. Sai, you creep around and guard the rear exit. Naruto and I will slip in through the front.
(Sai nods and slips off )
Naruto: (puts down binoculars) Looks like there is a deadbolt lock on the front door. You’ll have to pick it before we breach.
Sakura: You cover me from the base of the porch. I’ll sneak up and pick the lock. Sweeping pattern as soon as I have the door open.
Naruto: Got it.
(Naruto sneaks up to the porch, and aims his AK-47 at the door. Sakura sneaks up past him, and crouches by the door. She begins picking the deadbolt. After a minute, she gets the lock open, and motions for Naruto to advance. They quickly rush into the house, and head towards the room marked “Study”. As they peer through the crack in the door, they see a mangaka hard at work on the next chapter of his manga.)
Mangaka: Oh boy, I can’t wait to see all the hate mail from the Otakus when I throw them this plot twist! (he goes back to diligently writing)
(Sakura silently counts down from three before kicking open the door, and rushing in. She places her places the barrel of her AK on the chest of the now stunned mangaka)
Sakura: Kishimoto-san, you are under arrest for your crimes against the people. You will be sentenced by revolutionary tribunal for the crime of willfully creating a shonen epic manga that has no end in sight, and for filling your manga with gratuitously sexist depictions of women. Come with us quietly and we’ll make this as painless as possible.
Kishimoto: B-but you’re from my manga…how are you standing here pointing a gun at me????
Naruto: We slipped in through the many plot-holes you left in the series. You should’ve been more careful about those.
Kishimoto: But why?
Sakura: It’s revolution time, baby.
Voiceover: Wait! Stop the film! That’s it, this show is cancelled for good! We warned him, but he keeps pushing the boundaries. Terrorist kidnappings of Kishimoto-san are definitely over the line! We assure you that this silliness will not happen again. We will instead use the rest of the time slot to bring you breaking coverage of Britney Spears life in excruciatingly minute detail.