I am supposed to feel something. But I don´t have a clue what it should be. Sadness? Guilt? Or maybe joy? Should I be happy that I´m the one who made it through, the one who survived? I don´t know. But the truth is that I don´t feel anything. When I look at the dead body in front of me, I don´t see a boy like me. I see just a shinobi, who has ended like many others before him. He wasn´t much older than me. I don´t care. What about his dreams? I don´t care. What about his past? I don´t care. What about his loved ones? I don´ t care.Kill or be killed. It´s the rule of the jungle. But we´re not in the jungle. We´re civilized people, so we should´t be going around and killing each other, should we? Why don´t I feel anything. Please let me feel something. Anything. I don´t care what. Just make me feel something. I don´t want to live with that big void of darkness, which is forming deep insied my heart. Deep inside my mind. Deep inside my soul. I have to kill my emotions. That´s what I was taught. An I´ve actually done it. It made me to this heartless cold bastard I am now . I even don´t feel anything about killing another person. Isn´t that insane? No, it isn´t. It´s just...It´s sad isn´t it? To be not able to feel anything. I don´t want to be on this place, I shouldn´t be here. I should be somewhere else, but I don´t know where. I just want to run away as far as I can. I think that when I won´t be on this place something will change. I just walk away from there ignoring the voices of the shinobis who came to help me. I think that my sensei is also there. But I don´t care. They came to late, so why should I care?
I´m going down the cold streets of the village and I try to avoid looking into other people´s eyes. Because then I had to see something I don´ t want to. When I finally decide to look into the eyes of some people, I see there something I have never seen before. What is it? Is that hate? Hate. No, it can´t be hate, I´ve already seen tghat before. Is that what I see fear? Yes. Fear. I forgot. My body´s still covered in blood. And everybody can see that it isn´t mine. They know it. Everybod does. I´m a murderer.
Talent is a double-sided sword. On the one side everybody always told me how great I am. All those people, who are looking at me were so proud of me. I was the little hero of the village. It made me really truly happy. And that´s why I´ve decided that talent is a gift. But right now when I look into those eyes I don´t see pride anymore. Those eyes are full of of fear. They´re scared of me. And that´s why I´ve decided that talent is a curse. They aren´t the only ones scared. I´m scared too. I´m so scared like I´ve never been before.I´m scared of myself. And that scares me even more.
I´m a shinobi of Konoha, so I´m supposed to protect the inhabitans of the village. But how can I do that? How can I protect someone who is scared of me? How is someone who is scared of himslef supposed to protect somebody? Right now I´m not able to protect or save anyone. Because I´m the one who needs to be saved. My self, who has become emotionless a long time ago, knows the truth. I can´ t be saved . I am to deep in the darkness to be saved. But the inner child in me is still hoping. That heart of the ten years old is still believing. The child inside of me thinks that there is still hope for me somewhere out there. But I decided to believe my emotionless self and I stop looking for hope. Those, who are in the darkness aren´t supposed to be saved.
I can´t walk anmyore. Where am I? Oh yes, that´s the KIA memory stone in front of me. But why am I here? I don´t care. I hug my knees and try to imagine that I´m not here. I´m not part of this world. I don´t belong here. How long am I going to sit here and try to run away from the truth? I don´know. And I don´t care.
Rain. My whole body is becoming wet and I´m shaking from the cold. But I am actually glad that it rains. I hope that the rain will wash the blood off of my body. But I also hope that it will make me clean again deep in my soul. I hope....No, I believe that i will be that innocent child i was just a moment before once again. I´m going to kill again. And then again. I´ll be killing all over again. I know that. I won´t even remember the faces of all those people that I´ll kill . No, I really don´t believe that. I will remember. Those faces of the nameless tools called shinobis will be haunting me in my dreams. They´lle even haunt me when I´ll be awake. Until finally that day comes. The day when somebody who is stronger than me comes and kills me.Then I´ll become one of those nameless faces. Maybe my name will be curved into this stupid KIA memory stone. But i don´t think that it belongs there. I´m not worth it. I´m just a murderer. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I once again feel that big dark void of nothing inside of me.No sadness. No joy. Just nothing. But I know that I´ve changed. I don´t want to go back to the village and see all those eyes full of fear looking at me. But even without those looks I know who I am. A murderer. It was my destiny. It was decided even before I could walk. I was chosen to be the one, who makes it through , the one who survives. But in order to survive I have to take somebody´s life. It´s the destiny of the talented people. Talent is a double-sided sword. It´s agift and a curse both at once. But as the time goes by, it will become only a curse more and more.
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Chapter notes: This story isn´t excelent written, because ôm not English, but I´ve tried my best. Also About Kakashi´s age in this story. I know that he has probably killed before he was ten. But these thoughts just don´t belong to a seven years old, so I decided to make him ten years old.
Disclaimer: I don´t own Naruto.