“You know there are, quite possibly, a million reasons why I don’t take your advice on things like this.”
The Fourth sat behind the huge desk, ignoring what lay in front of him. Every so often, he would jiggle his right leg like he used to do as a kid, sitting in class, trying to dispel nervous energy.
Jiraiya sat across from him, arms folded, displeased that the Third had taken the contents of his liquor cabinet home upon his retirement. Tea was a weak substitute. He disdained his cup, and instead popped a sugar cube into his mouth. “It won’t kill you to look the part. You have to give people what they want to see.”
When Yondaime Hokage didn’t respond, Jiraiya gestured at the object lying on the desk top.
The Fourth continued to regard the object as though it were a viper, freshly summoned by Orochimaru himself.
“I am not. Putting that. On my head.”
“Better men than you have worn that hat.”
“I have no doubt that’s true. Another very good reason to NOT wear it.” The Fourth stood up, glaring at his former sensei.
“Its symbolic,” Jiraiya shrugged, like this was common knowledge, which it was. The flat, triangular hat indicated benevolent power beneath it. People wanted to see that.
“It’s archaic. I’m not old, I don’t smoke a pipe, and I don’t plan to spend a lot of time on ceremonial appearances. People will get used to seeing me without traditional dress.” The Fourth glared at the hat as though it was having the argument with him instead of Jiraiya.
“Really, the hat could do a lot for you. I mean, there are people out there who are unsure of you. Your youth, your sudden appointment. That hat alone would quiet some of them down,” Jiraiya said thoughtfully. “And then, there’s always the other benefits.”
The Fourth closed his eyes with the expression of someone battling a monstrous headache. “And those benefits would be…?”
Jiraiya put on his slyest smile. “Women.”
“Women WHAT?”
“Women love the hat.”
The Fourth goggled at his former sensei as though the white-haired man had sprouted another head. “That is the stupidest thing I have EVER heard!” he yelled, thoroughly out of patience. He pounced on the hat and waved it in Jiraiya’s face. “You’re saying women love this hat?”
“I’m saying women love *a man* in that hat, yes. Really, Sarutobi-sama should have had more of a talk with you before giving you this job.” Jiraiya rolled his eyes. The kid had been a genius of legendary proportions, but sometimes he was thicker than bricks. Of lead.
“With all due respect, your long career as a pervert has completely scrambled your brain.”
“Don’t say I didn’t tell you.” Jiraiya stood up. “You wear that hat, go out, do the public appearance thing…you won’t sleep alone again. Kunoichi, shopgirls, rich widows, you name it,” he leaned forward and tapped his former student’s chest for emphasis. “Women. Love. The Hat.”
The Fourth looked vaguely as though the hat had turned around in his own hand and bit him.
“What in the world is attractive about this idiotic, old-fashioned, ridiculous THING?” The Fourth shook the hat pleadingly in the air. Jiriaya stared at him as though he was through explaining. They were at an impasse, the future of the most conspicuous Hokage symbol hanging in the balance.
Then a voice came from the corner of the room.
“I think its obvious.” Kakashi, lounging in an armchair, didn’t look up from his book as he spoke.
Palpable silence grew in the room. Jiraiya ran out of patience first.
“AND? What would you know about it?” Jiraiya had sincere doubts about what, if anything, his former student’s last remaining student knew about women. Kakashi, even at fourteen, was staunchly oblivious to the hot gazes sent his way from just about every set of female eyelashes under fifty. It made Jiraiya want to shake him. Right after he shook Yondaime Hokage.
With a single graceful motion, Kakashi stood up and stashed his book. He walked over to the two older men, took the hat, and settled it on the Fourth’s head. Tilted it forward, slightly, and then backed up to look. “Turn around,” Kakashi said, and indicated the mirror on the wall behind them.
The Fourth regarded his reflection. Wearing the Hat. Flanked on one side by Jiraiya, who looked smug. And on the other side by Kakashi, who’s single visible eye looked far more alert, and appraising, than it usually did.
The silver-haired boy shook his head slightly. “I can’t believe you don’t see it.”
The Fourth glared at their reflections in the mirror. “You can share at any time, you know. I’m already late because of this nonsense.”
Even through the mask, a slight smile was evident on Kakashi’s face. “It’s totally phallic.”
This time it was Jiraiya’s turn to goggle, while the Fourth went totally motionless.
Kakashi went on musingly, almost as if the other men weren’t still in the room. “Probably because its conical, and it flares out like that…” his fingers brushed the rim of the hat as he spoke.
The Fourth seemed frozen in place, determined not to look out from under the rim of the hat.
Jiraiya spoke loudly. “You know, he makes an interesting point.” His left eye was twitching, and he decided quite enthusiastically to stock the liquor cabinet in the Hokage’s office HIMSELF, if he had to. “And Hokage-sama, you are indeed late.” With this statement, he grabbed the Fourth by the elbow, and steered him towards the office door.
The Fourth glanced surreptitiously behind, glad that the wide hat hid his glance from Kakashi, whom he could see now following them with his typical, lazy unconcern. “I sometimes think he needs help,” he whispered to Jiraiya.
“Oh, he does.” Jiraiya firmly agreed and pushed Yondaime Hokage ahead of himself, towards a waiting line of administrative personnel and assorted shinobi. “Just not from you.”
A wave of bows and breathless, sometimes downright blushing, acclaim, greeted the Fourth Hokage as he stopped to properly greet his staff.
Jiraiya hung back to watch the Hat work. He noticed Kakashi was now leaning against the wall beside him, also watching. Jiraiya caught the young jounin’s eye.
“What?” Kakashi’s question was half innocence, half challenge.
Jiraiya silently tallied up, and added to, his list for the Hokage’s office liquor cabinet. He was going to have lots of mental erasing to do.
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Chapter notes: I don't own or make money from Naruto.
And no, Kakashi is not reading porn yet. He's reading Sun Tzu.