“Ne, Sasuke-kun,” Sakura whispered, her sweet voice laced with the comfortable silence of the dark room as her husband weaved his hands through her soft hair. She waited for the cross grunt to tumble out of his lips before continuing. “I have a surprise for you.”
Those pale hands threaded through her hair, carefully pulling and tugging strands away, and then stroking a patch of skin at the back of Sakura’s neck. His voice was mumbled and nearly incoherent, as it always was when he played with her hair. “You know I hate surprises, Sakura.”
She leaned into his hands, her eyes closing briefly. “I think you’ll like this one.”
An ebony eyebrow cocked incredulously; she didn’t have to look to know that. Taking a deep breath, she slipped her hands behind her head to rest on her lover’s own calloused ones. “I’m pregnant.”
The hands stilled entirely under the warm touch of her ivory hands, but soon glided down her shoulders and cups of her breasts to encompass her waist, strong safe arms locking her tightly in place. Hot breath fanned over her shoulder, tickling her ear as he tucked his head over her lithe shoulders.
Sasuke smiled.
“I know.”
---
Now, Sasuke was no fool, even if he wasn’t well educated in the arts of pregnancy; he knew that he’d be getting the crap kicked out of him by Sakura and be stomped down to Naruto’s level of female adequacy.
The Uchiha shivered as he remember one of the many thousands of times Sakura sucker punched his best friend, only his paranoia evilly stole Naruto and replaced the Rokudaime with Sasuke.
…Shit.
---
“Sasuke-kun!”
Sakura’s screech enveloped the entire Uchiha mansion--if that was even possible-- and shook the thin tatami mats nearly out of the floor.
A twitch and a sigh were the remaining normal things between the couple, and these both came from Sasuke, who was currently speed walking down the nearest corridor from his daily training to please his maddened wife.
Sweat glistened, his duck-ass hair’s bangs plastered to his forehead from the morning humidity. He strode into the kitchen, wearing only a pair of gray sweatpants, which he cursed himself for when he mindlessly snubbed his bare toe on an evil plotting tack that happened to be lying around just waiting for the right opportunity to stab him.
“SASUKE!!!”
Sasuke’s charcoal eyes rolled obnoxiously as he stood obediently at the doorframe, staring at the pregnant woman before him who was inhaling an unhealthy dose of chicken cutlet smeared with caramel and pickle juice. An automatic gag reflex triggered itself in the back of Sasuke’s throat at the sight. My god.
“Yes, Sakura?” He drawled expectantly, examining his snubbed fingernails as if they were the most interesting things in the world.
Sakura, who was leaning over the island counter and appeared to be foaming at the mouth with…Sasuke’s…shaving cream? What in the hell? I thought they only craved food, not what men plaster their faces with everyday!!! Inner Sasuke screamed in ungodly terror while Sasuke himself coughed into his hand, trying to pretend he hadn’t just seen what he thought he did.
However, in less than an instant, Sakura’s fork that matched her bubbly hair clattered to the floor tiles as she giddily skipped over to her husband, a sweet façade back on her puffed little face. “Sasuke-kun, take me, please?”
Sasuke’s cough turned into a hack as he choked on his saliva. Dear sweet god in heaven, what the hell was this woman thinking?!
He gawked at her, a surprised gape the most presentable expression he could muster, even if it was totally out of character. “S-Sakura, you’re pregnant, I can’t-”
“Oh, sure you can, Sasuke-kun! They baby should be coming along any day now, so--oh, wait, that makes sex worse, doesn’t it? Oh, poop….” She trailed off, nibbling her pinky as her crystalline pure eyes gathered tears at their edges.
Sasuke looked down at her in pity and bitch slapped his pride’s sorry ass as he mechanically forced his arms up; an open invitation for a hug.
She grinned smartly, all innocence in those emerald eyes gone, only to be replaced with feral instincts of being needy and bothered. “SASUKE-KUN!”
Invite for a hug : Denied.
Unwelcome super glomp leading to groping: Happily accepted.
Sasuke’s eyes widened at an impossible rate. Oh, shi--
“UWAAAH!”
---
One month left, that’s all there is.
“One month, one month, one month…” Sasuke chanted, huddled all by his lonely self on their cold bedroom floor. His monster wife had continuously molested him, much like his fan club used to try to do, and now she was hunting for food. He had found time earlier to scramble around for a nice blue shirt to wear.
“Sasuke-kun.”
“NO! Please don’t whip me, I promise I’ll let you suck--Sakura?”
His dark eyes peered up curiously to find his wife standing before his sitting form, her face hidden by her bangs; her sobs evident.
Sasuke jumped to his feet and nearly pushed his crying wife over as he collected her into his arms. “What’s wrong?” He knew this wasn’t part of her insane mood swings; when she was depressed because of her pregnancy, she bawled her eyes out like a small child. But, now…these tears were…
He suppressed a protective growl. Did someone do something to hurt her? When he got his hands on the bastard, they’d--
“Sasuke-kun…I’m…”
Her tiny hands fisted themselves in his shirt, her tears slowly ebbing into the thin material. Sasuke’s large hands pressed into the small of her back and whispered to her encouragingly to continue.
She sucked in hair sharply between hiccups. “Sasuke-kun…it’s just that…I’m…bleeding…”
Sasuke’s vision of being like Naruto to Sakura during the pregnancy was all too true.
He blinked down at her. “You got your period?” All he knew was that when a girl had her period, she was extra bitchy. And she bled. He knew that because Sakura walked in one day with blood on the back of her white skirt. He threw a fit, went into protective predator mode, and demanded that Sakura tell him what happened.
His beautiful wife gaped at him. Was he SERIOUS?!
“Sasuke-kun,” Her disbelieving expression immediately morphed back into sorrow. “Sasuke…I’m losing the baby.”
(dun dun DUN!)
---
The couple sighed as they found themselves yet again sitting at their bed on a dark evening. Only this time, there was a heavy burden resting sloppily and snoring on their shoulders. If only that could be literal.
Sasuke, who was only shocked for a moment after Sakura told him of the problem, grabbed his wife and ran (god knows why when he could’ve teleported there, the frigging idiot!) to Shizune, who was watching over things at the hospital in place of Tsunade. Of course, and much to Sasuke’s displeasure, nothing could be done to…bring the baby back to life as a zed-zombie, was what Sasuke apparently wasn’t thinking of when he asked if there was anything that could be done besides removing the carcass.
It was a few months later from that incident, and the couple was still holding that time close. Sakura would constantly hold her stomach and wince as if she were in pain, while Sasuke seemed to vent out on the large willow tree in their backyard, which was hacked and punched so much it fell over the other day.
However, unlike when there was usually sorrow adrift in their bedroom, tonight was different. Sasuke absently played with Sakura’s hair like he always did, but…there was a strange gleam in Sakura’s eye again. Sasuke was sure he’d seen it before somewhere, but…damn it, he just couldn’t place his finger--
“Guess what, Sasuke-kun!’
--On--
“I’m pregnant!”
--it.--
“AGAIN!”
Sasuke’s eyes bulged out of their sockets.
The cravings.
The molests!
His SHAVING CREAM!
“NOOO!!!”
---
All in all, the pregnancy went by fine. Shizune used a strange medical jutsu on Sakura so she wouldn’t be so…touchy/feely during the pregnancy, and even advised Sasuke on what foods to give Sakura, despite what the young woman claimed to crave (which tended to be her husband XD).
A wonderful baby boy was born, and the family couldn’t have been happier.
However…
Sasuke never did find out where his shaving cream kept disappearing to.
Probably best left unknown in the glossy mirror’s reflection of your everyday family’s not-so-everyday life.
FIN
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Chapter notes: Okay. This thing is...on extreme crack. XD
The beginning is cute, then it's...like....WHOA.
Also. Beware of the totally IMPOSSIBLE happenings of losing a baby during the last month of pregnancy! (you'll see what I mean, just read!)