I was obsessed. I hadn’t meant to, really…my desire just seemed to suck me in. I had no time for others. I had no time to contemplate my thoughts. I only had time for training; only had time for getting closer to killing him.
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
I’ve always referred to my brother as ‘him’ ever since that day. To me, that man was no longer my brother, but someone I had to kill, no matter what the consequences. And, if the consequences were that of me isolating myself, mentally, from others…well, then, that’s what would happen.
This is my last resort
I hated how I acted, though I couldn’t help it. If I acted like I wanted to, I would become distracted from the path I had decided on treading. If I made friends, I would worry more about them than myself, therefore making it possible for me to sacrifice myself for them. If that happened, no one would be left to kill him.
Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding?
Despite my cold, arrogant, and uncaring personality that I put up, there were many people that vied for my attention every day. I hated it. Not because I hated them, but because I wanted to be friends with them. I wanted to be friends with almost anyone.
Would it be wrong?
Would it be right?
I always pushed the offer of friendship away, no matter whom it was that gave it. I forced myself to think of everyone as idiots. Idiots and fools that would never understand how I felt…Even though I didn’t even try to explain.
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
I wanted to tell someone, I really did. But I believed that they wouldn’t understand. I believed that they would want me to give up on avenging my clan. Because of my distrust, I locked all my thoughts and emotions into myself.
Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
I think I had already lost my sanity. It was painful to have to keep everything within myself, not trusting anyone enough to be able to relieve myself of all my burdens. It was painful to wake up at night from a nightmare, and have no one to tell me that it would be fine. All because I didn’t- all because I couldn’t- trust.
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
The days at the Academy were almost impossible to go through, where it was even harder to not make friends. Especially with nearly all the girls trying to get my attention. I wanted to be friendly, and I wanted to be happy. Deep inside my iced heart was a melted spot- but it was small…small enough for me to hide each day.
I never realized I was spread too thin
To live was too late
And I was empty within- hungry
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
Downward spiral where do I begin?
As life went on, I felt myself falling into the rhythm of the mask that I put up. Soon, that personality- the cold, arrogant, and uncaring one- became my own true personality. That small melted spot in my heart froze over.
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself
And no love for another
Searching to find a love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
Either despite this, or because of this, many of the girls became even more attracted to me. They were like flies, or mosquitoes, to me. If they knew the reason behind the personality, if they knew the path I walked, then they would scatter and leave me.
Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
I wish that I could have told them, then, so they would stop their foolish antics. But I didn’t trust any of them at all…definitely not enough to tell them of my past. So I merely put up with them, and ignored them.
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Of course, the senseis noticed my change of behaviour, noticed how I seemed to be getting better at ignoring the others. This troubled them, as they hoped I would give up on trying to kill him.
Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
But then again, they were all fools. How could they dare think that I would change my path just for their happiness? Just for the others around me? They didn’t understand that my path was unchangeable. They never would.
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
The only times that my heart shattered were at night. When I managed to fall asleep, my dreams were plagued with memories of that night, the night that I lost everything. I would wake up with a tearstained face and sweat covering me. Usually this was after only a few hours, at most.
I can't go on living this way
So, I would be sleep-deprived. But my mask, the mask that only came off during my sleep, helped cover my weariness. The fact that I tended to train myself to exhaustion anyways helped, as well.
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Maybe people were getting suspicious. Maybe people didn’t notice. Maybe people didn’t even care. Whatever it was, no one tried to stop me. No one tried to warn me. All they did was watch. And for that, I was glad.
Would it be wrong?
Would it be right?
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
There were times that my mask nearly broke, and there were times that I nearly took off the mask myself, out of sheer desperation. Inside, I wanted- no, I needed- to have friendship. More than anything.
Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
But I always managed to hold the mask. Sometimes, I wondered what would happen if I took it off. I wondered what would really happen if I told someone of my past. But I didn’t trust myself enough to tell anyone. And I didn’t trust anyone else enough, either.
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
So the mask stayed on. It only came off when I needed it on the most, though…at night. With each nightmare came another addition to my daytime mask. With each nightmare, I became even colder, and more isolated.
Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
But with each nightmare, I lost more of myself. I lost more of my hope, and my heart became as cold as ice and as hard as stone. My path became far clearer, and pushed off any others that may have strayed onto it. All that was left was me…and him.
I can't go on living this way
Can't go on
Living this way
Nothing's all- right
Now I didn’t even have to try to push others from my mind. I didn’t even have to try to be cold. But the strain that it put on my heart was unbearable, even though I only felt it at night. I often wondered to myself at how long the mask would hold.
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Chapter notes: Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or the song 'Last Resort' by Papa Roach.
The words in italics are from the song.