(Stage curtains open, revealing an adult Naruto sitting behind a desk)

Naruto: Hello! Hello! Hello! Thank you, thank you. Hello good evening and welcome, to BLACKMAIL! Yes, it's another edition of the game in which you can play with *yourself*.

(drum roll)

Naruto: And to start tonight's show, we have a letter, a hotel registration book, and a series of photographs, which could add up to divorce, premature retirement, and possible criminal proceedings for a shinobi in Konoha. He's a Jounin, and is known for copying techniques, so that's 300,000 yen please, Mr. K... thank you... to stop us from revealing: Your name, The name of the three other people involved, The youth organization to which they belonged, and The shop where you bought the equipment!

(organ music)

Naruto: But right now, yes everyone is the moment you've all been waiting for; it's time for our Stop the Film…ah bugger-all!

(stands on desk, staring up to the ceiling)

Naruto: Oh bloody hell! Where exactly do your get your kicks by writing this, huh? Think making me dance on a string and recycle absurdist British comedy is funny, huh?

(heavenly light shines down on Naruto)

Writer: Quit breaking the fourth wall!

Naruto: Why not? After what you did to that sketch, a broken fourth wall should be last on your repair list. And just what do you mean by all this?

Writer: Well, this is what is popular with the fandom communities. They call it “randomness” or something.

Naruto: I call it ripping off 40 year old Monty Python sketches. Can’t you think of anything better?

Writer: Well, you have to admit, it’s funny.

Naruto: Funny? You call curing your writer’s block and ignoring your more serious stories funny?

Writer: Shhh! You weren’t supposed to talk about that!

Naruto: Well, if you have the bloody time to get me to re-enact your favorite Monty Python sketches, you bloody well have the time finish your stories! And you call yourself a writer!

Writer: Well, I didn’t expect the—

Naruto: Don’t say it!

Writer: Say what? All I was going to say was that I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.

(three men in red cardinal’s outfits burst through door)

Inquisitor 1: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISTION!

Naruto: Oh now you’ve done it!

Writer: Oops! Oh well, what the Lord giveth the Lord also taketh away.

(Sixteen ton weight drops from the sky, crushing everyone)

Writer: Oh well, now that little problem is taken care of. Roll credits!

(magnificent and grand opening theme, preferably in the public domain)

Announcer: MONTY PYTHON’S OROCHIMARU’S FLYING CIRCUS

(Orochimaru walks into spotlight in front of logo)

Orochimaru: That’s right kiddies, I’m taking over this series now. I’m going to flooding your fanfiction archive with endless streams of C-SPAN until your fangirls give your precious Sasuke-kun to me!

(evil laugh)

Orochimaru: I demand at least one fanfic where I actually get that angsty little nihilist’s body, or ELSE!!

(Knight enters spotlight, trout in hand)

Orochimaru: What the?! Who are you?

Knight: FOR GREAT JUSTICE!

(Knight slaps Orochimaru in the face with trout)

Orochimaru: Oh, I’m going to shove that internet meme right up your…

Knight: Anonymous is legion! Anonymous does not forgive!

(Knight runs off, amidst sound of clanking plate mail armor)

Orochimaru: Okay, Mr. Silent Witness, come down out of the clouds. I know you’re behind this.

Writer: Quit breaking the fourth wall!

Orochimaru: Listen, I had a talk with Naruto back stage. It seems you’ve been making a string of very bad jokes lately. And now recycling not one, but two old internet memes in the same gag! I’m taking over this series from you, and am going to use it-

Writer: Yeah, yeah, we know, you want Sasuke’s body. *snickers*

Orochimaru: It’s not like that, honest!

Writer: Yeah right, and I’m sure you’ve dated lots of women too.

Orochimaru: I have too!

Writer: Names and phone numbers or I call bullshit.

Orochimaru: Well, err…you see, um…yeah, well…Oh screw it. I’m taking over this series anyway!

Writer: One last question.

Orochimaru: What’s that?

Writer: Did he mention anything about this?!

(Sixteen ton weight drops from the sky, crushing Orochimaru and his ambitions)

Writer: Right. Now where was I? Oh yes, now I remember!

(Writer grabs television remote)

Writer: Time to change the channel!

(A buzz of static, and the scene suddenly changes to a competitive sporting event. Thousands of eager fans sit in the bleachers of the arena. Naruto, Rock Lee, and Orochimaru sit at a judges table, diligently waiting for the start of the event. The scene flashes to the sports broadcaster’s box, where Shikamaru and Neji sit.)

Neji: Evening sports fans! Welcome all to this salacious duel of fates, the First Annual Emo Duel! That’s right, sports fans! Nowhere else will you find completely pathetic, angsty nihilists duking it out over who hates themselves more! Isn’t that right, Shikamaru?

Shikamaru: Yeah, whatever. I’m only here because the writer threatened me at gunpoint.

Neji: What was that? I’m sorry, but I couldn’t hear you.

Shikamaru: Nothing. So who are the competitors this year?

Neji: Thank you so much for asking, Shika. In the blue corner, we have Konoha’s very own Ice Prince, Uchiha Sasuke!

Shika: Tch, he’s sitting in his corner brooding over Itachi as usual. He’s someone who takes being emo really professionally, whether he’s in the ring or not.

Neji: Indeed.

Shika: I could never be emo.

Neji: Why is that, Shika?

Shika: Not enough motivation.

Neji: You are a sad and pathetic man.

Shika: I’m sorry, but I didn’t want to make the effort to listen.

Neji: Anyway, in the red corner, we have the reigning champion of Narutoverse emo. From the itchy, scratchy land of Sand, we have the bearer of the Bijuu, Gaara…

Shika: (interrupts) DON’T SAY IT!

Neji:…of the Funk!

(funky techno music)

Shika: *sighs* Oh well. What’s this? It looks the match is about to start. The referee is drawing them into the center. And they’re coldly shaking hands.

Neji: Indeed! And the match has begun! Sasuke starts of strong, jabbing Gaara with a cold stare! Gaara counters with his own cold stare.

Shika: ‘ey, Neji, is it just me, or is it starting to get cold in here?

Neji: Oh!, and Sasuke is on the passive-aggressive offensive! He’s playing aloof, and pretending the Gaara is in fact not there! Oh how will Gaara recover?!

Shika: Hmm. It looks like Gaara is starting to angst over his lonely child hood. This could be a powerful blow to him….Wait!...what’s this? Oh, he’s countering Sasuke’s passive-aggressive avoidance by becoming more emo.

Neji: Simply brilliant! And now he’s going on a long monologue, complete with obligatory color-faded flashbacks about his lonely childhood! Stay tuned folks, this is where it gets exciting!

(25 minutes later)

Shika: Tch, it looks like Gaara’s flashbacks are done. Sasuke has issued a quick riposte, sending back his own diatribe about how bad his life was. Looks like more flashbacks…

(3 f***ing episodes and an hour later)

Neji: Well, that was certainly a strong offensive by Sasuke, but Gaara stands firm with his angst!

Shika: Is it over yet? Kill me please, Neji.

Neji: Oh be quiet. And you call yourself an anime character?

Shika: Well, not if I can help it.

Neji: I’m just going to ignore that for now. It looks like Gaara is on the offensive now. This where we’ll get to see Gaara’s mastery of Scene form of the Emo-Arts. And it looks like he’s combing his hair into an Emover, and applying dark purple eye shadow and *gasp* more black eye liner!

Shika: *mocking* Oh the humanity!

Neji: Quiet you! But wait, there’s more. He’s starting to recite badly written, unrhyming angst poetry to Sasuke. He has come prepared!

Shika: And Sasuke blocks with his collection of My Chemical Romance and Hawthorne Heights albums!

Neji: Indeed. We’ll get to see Sasuke’s unorthodox post-modernist Nietzschean emo-arts. He issues a quick riposte by reading the liner notes to the newest Hawthorne Heights CD, and then launches into a lengthy, angst ridden diatribe about fatalism and the “Will to Power”. Hmm, it seems that his emo level is rising. Can Gaara counter this?

Shika: Nothing is to be feared more than academic emos.

Neji: Gaara is quick to counter. He taunts Sasuke for missing the meaning of emo with his angry nihilism, and…wait…what’s this? Gaara has pulled out a pink boombox. He’s putting a CD in right now. Could it be?

(obligatory dramatic pause)

Neji: Yes! It is! It’s his own CD, full of emo angst that he recorded in his garage with his emo buddies! Hmm. I think they call this move the post-hardcore hook.

Shika: It’s post-something.

Neji: It looks like Sasuke is getting a little agitated. Could he be plotting his finishing move right now?

Shika: Just how the hell did punk music evolve into this anyway?

Neji: Yes! Oh my god! He’s cutting right now! Both wrists, in a remarkable show of calculated angst! Wounds just deep enough to bleed a bit, and all the way up his arm!

Shika: I mean, it went from “London Calling” and “California Uber Alles” to this in just one generation.

Neji: Never fear, capitalism is here! It’ll take care of all those pesky political statements and social commentaries, and give the people what they really want: angst! But I digress! It seems that Gaara is trying to match Sasuke’s cutting with his own but… wait a moment…

(dramatic pause)

Neji: Oh my god! He can’t! He can’t cut himself! The sand is protecting him from any emo induced self-inflicted harm! Oh how will he recover from this?!

Shika: I’m sure he’ll manage.

Neji: Oh, he’s in trouble. He’s panicking! Wait!

(dramatic pause)

Neji: An idea has popped into his head! He’s freestyle emo-rapping out poetry about how he can’t even cut himself! Oh, how angsty!

Shika: That was unexpected…

Neji: Sasuke is panicking now. He had expected the last move to finish off Gaara. He’s staring at the judges table. What is he going to do?

Shika: Oh, don’t tell me…

Neji: He’s darted out of the ring, and has killed his best friend Naruto! Oh, he’s brutally murdered one Naruto, one of the judges, in a fit of emo-rage! He’s screaming something about needing power to kill his brother, or maybe that’s just his emotional constipation finally clearing up.

Shika: Wait, Gaara is jumping out of the ring too. The referee is looking confused, searching through the rule books.

Neji: Oh, and now Gaara has killed a judge as well! He’s killed poor Rock Lee to prove the value of his existence!

Shika: The judge is dumbfounded. Apparently there is no rule against killing the judges. But he’s calling the fight right now. It looks like this decision is all up to one judge, none other than Orochimaru-sama, the fallen Sannin.

Neji: He’s raising Gaara’s score card at first. Hmm, a respectable 9.4 out of 10. Sasuke will be hard pressed to beat that score.

Shika: I’m not sure he should be trying…

Neji: Quiet you! Hmm, Orochimaru-sama is raising Sasuke’s score-card now. Shika, break out the binoculars.

Shika: Sure thing.

Neji: So Shika, what does the scorecard say about his emo-level?

Shika: *angrily* IT’S OVER 9000!!!

Neji: What?! 9000?!

(fade to black, roll end credits)

(grand and ludicrously expensive opening theme, outsourced to the lowest bidder for production. Cut to scene of stuffy-headed bureaucrat sitting behind a desk)

Censor: Due to the moral outraged expressed at the last edition of “And Now For Something Completely Different,” the writer, producer and directors responsible have all been sacked.

(cut to shot of a guillotine)

Censor: We wish to apologize for the heinously bad and offensive jokes made by the writer, and will now be replacing “And Now For Something Completely Different” with a new feature dedicated to be much more sensitive to the wishes of the fan fiction archive audience. Enjoy.

(scene changes to the set of a television special, “The All Yaoi Smut Hour”. A man with long hair, dressed in drag with red lipstick, black lingerie and stiletto heels sits patiently with his legs crossed on an easy chair)

Dr. Frankenfurter: Welcome to “The All Yaoi Smut Hour”. I am your host, Dr. Frankenfurter. Ooh, I can tell you are just shuddering with….anticipation! Myess… This is the only show that is all 100 percent Grade A Yaoi Smut all the time!

(applause}

Dr. Frankenfurter: Since actually having plot would take up too much precious yaoi time, for the next hour I will be showing you pictures of penises. I hope you—

(cut back to the Censor)

Censor: ...We apologize once again for this silliness. Again as in last time those responsible have been sacked and those responsible for the previous sacking have also been sacked. Now, on with the show!

(static buzz, cut to scene of Naruto and Sakura leaning against the exterior wall of a movie studio. Naruto is smoking a cigarette, and talking animatedly. The camera zooms in for a closer look)

Naruto: …I mean, I’m about ready to just go and shoot the writing staff. Y’know what I mean? If I have to say “-dattebayo” one more time, I’m going on strike. *takes a drag*

Sakura: Tell me about it. Everyone and their brother hates my character. I seriously think that Kishimoto-san hates womyn. Would it kill him to have intelligent, strong female lead who doesn’t act like a ditzy air-head around Sasuke or some other male character?

Naruto: It sucks having to act with a character who’s a fricking Gary Stu. Sasuke this, Sasuke that; I’m starting hate myself just being around Mr. Perfect. *takes another drag*

Sakura: Speaking of being around Mr. Perfect, have you seen the scripts for the upcoming episodes?

Naruto: Yeah, what about ‘em?

Sakura: I don’t get any more action scenes! I’m back to being useless Sakura once more!

Naruto: *extinguishes cigarette* Well, at least you still get all those hammerspace moments where you get to beat the leaving daylights out of my character…

Sakura: Please, that joke got worn out very thin when Akane beat Ranma around for a couple hundred chapters.

Naruto: Wha?! Akane? Ranma? Who are those people?

Sakura: *sighs* Nevermind Naruto, Never mind…

Naruto: Well, your role can’t be all bad, can it? I mean, you did get one kickass fight scene.

Sakura: One! Just one Naruto! I mean, that’s it. I’m joining W.I.T.C.H. and we’re taking down this oppressive patriarchy in the show.

Naruto: W.I.T.C.H.? What’s that?

Sakura: The Womyn’s International Terrorist Conspiracy from Hell. *holds up gloved fist* Pink power! All power to the People!

(cut back to censor)

Censor: Once again, we are dreadfully sorry for the author so rudely inserting his feminist and socialist political opinions into the fic. He has been hunted down and “sacked”. That’s it. No more. We’re through with this existentialist post-modern psycho-babble about oppression and liberation. All future installments of this fic will be replaced with a fun, angsty romantic comedy about teenagers and their loads of real problems.

Voiceover: As we noted last week, “And Now for Something Completely Different” has been cancelled, and the writer has been blacklisted. This week, we offer you “The Akatsuki Bunch”, a hilarious new sitcom featuring everyone’s favorite group of international terrorists, delightfully deformed into cutsey, chibi adolescent versions of themselves. Without further delay, we present the pilot episode of “The Akatsuki Bunch”.

(Scene cuts to opening credits of “The Akatsuki Bunch”. The theme song plays, sung by twelve year olds picked up off the streets of Amagekure, and then unceremoniously thrown back into the gutter once the recording was finished.)

Here's the story of a megalomaniac,
Who was hell bent on world domination
But he was too arrogant, this is true,
He had to cut and run.

Here's the story, of nine strange shinobi,
Some call them “kawaii” but they just look like girls.
They think themselves as badass motherfuckers,
It’s enough to make you hurl.

Then one day the maniac met the ninjas
And they knew that it was much more than a hunch.
That this group would somehow form a family.
That's the way we all became the Akatsuki Bunch.
(You’ll lose your lunch!)

That's the way we became the Akatsuki Bunch!

(Credits end, and the scene changes to the living room of a rather spacious flat in some nondescript urban metropolis. Tobi sits in front of the TV, playing a video game, while Deidara sits at a coffee table, shaping and sculpting his clay. Itachi sits at an easy chair, painting his nails.)

Deidara: Let’s see, a bit more here…and a little less here and (he flinches, ruining his sculpture) DAMNIT TOBI! Turn your game down! It’s too damn loud!

Tobi: But Tobi’s a good boy! (he returns to feverishly playing his videogame)

Itachi: (forlornly) I wish I had a good boy right now…

(Laugh track)

Deidara: Tobi, if you don’t turn that down right now, I’m going to kill you.

Tobi: What do you mean, Deidara-senpai? First you’re nice to Tobi, and bake Tobi these delicious cookies, (takes a bite out of a “cookie”) and now you want to kill Tobi?

Deidara: Those weren’t cookies, Tobi…

Tobi: Ummmm (glances at stomach)

(An explosion rips through the flat. When the smoke clears, Tobi is covered with soot. His clothes are torn, and his hair stands on end)

Deidara: Art is a blast!

(Laugh track)

Itachi: Would you two dumbasses keep it down! It’s impossible to concentrate with you children playing around so noisily. (he absent mindedly examines his freshly painted nails)

Deidara: Jeesh, and they call me the gay one…

(laugh track)

Itachi: What was that?

Deidara: Oh, nothing. Nothing at’all.

(Tobi gets up, brushes himself off, glaring menacingly at Deidara through hole in his mask. Konan enters through the front door.)

Konan: Hey guys, I’m home—what the hell happened here?

Deidara: Tobi was being too loud, so I showed him just how much of a blast art can be.

(awkward laugh track)

Itachi: Tell this buffoon to clean up the messes he makes, Konan.

Konan: My, my, looks like someone is having relationship issues with Kisame…

(laugh track)

Deidara: Well, you guys have a very Akatsuki day. I can’t hang around Tobi much longer, he’s ruining my muse.

Tobi: But, Tobi is a good b—(he pauses, looks at the camera)—you know what, fuck it, this sketch is too silly. I mean, I was going to roll with this insane idea for an Akatsuki sitcom, but the “very Akatsuki day” just completely ruined it. I mean, what next? Are we going to rip Friends, and place Team Seven as a group of friends in some nameless metropolis?

Director: Umm, actually, we have that pilot in the works right now…

Tobi: I’m speechless…

Deidara: Yeah, I’ll be in my trailer if anyone needs me. (he leaves in a huff)

Voiceover: Well, it appears that The Akatsuki Bunch will not be available in the near future, so we are temporarily reinstating “And Now for Something Completely Different”, giving the writer a harsh warning about the appropriateness of his content.

(The scene abruptly changes to an urban area that looks strikingly like Okayama, Japan. The sun is beginning to set, and life has slowed to a crawl in this peaceful residential neighborhood. Three individuals, Sakura, Sai, and Naruto, are dressed in urban camouflage and brandishing AK-47s. They creep through the hedges. They approach a modest sized home in complete silence.)

Sakura: No sign of any sentries. Sai, you creep around and guard the rear exit. Naruto and I will slip in through the front.

(Sai nods and slips off )

Naruto: (puts down binoculars) Looks like there is a deadbolt lock on the front door. You’ll have to pick it before we breach.

Sakura: You cover me from the base of the porch. I’ll sneak up and pick the lock. Sweeping pattern as soon as I have the door open.

Naruto: Got it.

(Naruto sneaks up to the porch, and aims his AK-47 at the door. Sakura sneaks up past him, and crouches by the door. She begins picking the deadbolt. After a minute, she gets the lock open, and motions for Naruto to advance. They quickly rush into the house, and head towards the room marked “Study”. As they peer through the crack in the door, they see a mangaka hard at work on the next chapter of his manga.)

Mangaka: Oh boy, I can’t wait to see all the hate mail from the Otakus when I throw them this plot twist! (he goes back to diligently writing)

(Sakura silently counts down from three before kicking open the door, and rushing in. She places her places the barrel of her AK on the chest of the now stunned mangaka)

Sakura: Kishimoto-san, you are under arrest for your crimes against the people. You will be sentenced by revolutionary tribunal for the crime of willfully creating a shonen epic manga that has no end in sight, and for filling your manga with gratuitously sexist depictions of women. Come with us quietly and we’ll make this as painless as possible.

Kishimoto: B-but you’re from my manga…how are you standing here pointing a gun at me????

Naruto: We slipped in through the many plot-holes you left in the series. You should’ve been more careful about those.

Kishimoto: But why?

Sakura: It’s revolution time, baby.

Voiceover: Wait! Stop the film! That’s it, this show is cancelled for good! We warned him, but he keeps pushing the boundaries. Terrorist kidnappings of Kishimoto-san are definitely over the line! We assure you that this silliness will not happen again. We will instead use the rest of the time slot to bring you breaking coverage of Britney Spears life in excruciatingly minute detail.