Chapter Five: Unwanted Missions
Iruka had been thinking. He'd been thinking long and hard, and he'd finally decided that his thoughts were good.
Whistling happily in the empty mission office, he wandered around the area behind the large desk, digging through files and folders, looking for just the right mission.
He paused at a C-rank mission, eyeing the contents thoughtfully. Normally he'd assign it to whatever Genin team was being particularly shitheaded at the moment, but . . .
"Yo."
He jumped, nearly flinging papers all over the office. "Don't *do* that!" he bellowed at the silver haired Jounin perched on his desk.
Kakashi smiled cheerfully. "Do what?"
"Randomly appear in my office!" He grabbed for flying papers, shoving them back in the folder.
"This is the mission office. Not your office," Kakashi pointed out. "Unless you don't want me to hand in my mission report . . . ?"
"I am not giving you that excuse," Iruka snapped, and stepped forward to take it.
Kakashi pulled the single sheet of paper away. Iruka's eyes narrowed.
"Give me that," Iruka said through gritted teeth.
"Ask nicely." Kakashi's eye arched up.
The folder Iruka held in his other hand started to crumple. "Give it to me. *Now.*"
Kakashi tsk'ed at him. Actually *tsk'ed.* "That's not nicely."
"Damn it, Hatake!" Iruka bellowed, grabbing the mangled folder in both hands and hitting Kakashi with it as hard as he could. "Give me the damned report!"
Silver hair fluffed with passing air.
The two boys who had just entered froze and stared.
"We'll, uh, just drop this in the inbox," Shino said, and both boys backpedaled quickly. A moment later a single sheet of paper slid down the inbox slot.
"Well," Kakashi said cheerily, still holding his report, "there's two ninja who'll never turn in an incomplete brief!" Then the Copy Ninja turned to regard Iruka, still smiling. The bastard. "You seem stressed, Iruka."
Iruka rubbed his eyes and wondered how he was going to convince Shino and Kiba to ever enter the mission office again.
"We could meet over dinner tonight. Talk about it. Might make you feel bett--"
"Can't," Iruka snapped, shoving the mangled folder at Kakashi's chest. The ninja rocked back with the force of Iruka's push, slapping a hand over the papers automatically. "You have a mission."
Kakashi settled back on his heels--*still* on the desk, damn it--and opened the folder. He frowned. "Ah, Iruka, you know I don't have a Genin team anymore, right?"
Iruka glared at him.
Kakashi smiled. "That is, I'm pretty sure this is a team job."
"They want it done as soon as possible. You'd better get started."
Kakashi looked back at the contents of the folder. "Ah . . . I'm pretty sure I'm needed--"
"Oh, no. All the A and B class missions are handled. This one, though, this one needs someone with a special touch." Iruka smiled, then smiled bigger when Kakashi backed off slightly. "They're paying quite a bit of money."
Kakashi flipped the folder around so Iruka could see the contents--though, of course, Iruka already knew what they were. "Iruka-kun, they want us to turn a swamp into arable farmland."
Iruka's teeth nearly screamed as he ground down on them at the suffix. "That's right. Better get to work."
Kakashi stared at him. Then he stared at the folder. Iruka could imagine the Copy Ninja was thinking of smelly days using chakra draining jutsu, digging stumps out of liquid ground, finding and sealing all the bogs. It made his heart lighter.
"Are you punishing me?" Kakashi asked on a sigh.
"Yes," Iruka said. No reason to dither anymore. By this time, it should have been clear how he felt about Kakashi. Obviously, Kakashi needed things made painfully clear.
"Oh." Kakashi stared at the folder once more, then finally hopped off the desk and wandered out of the room.
Iruka watched him go with vengeful satisfaction. Then he realized Kakashi had taken the mission report with him.
**
When Anko didn't answer her phone, Iruka only gave it a moment's thought before climbing between the windows and into her bathroom.
He glanced at the girly things all lined up along the sink, and brushed past the pair of fishnet hose on a hanger hooked over the doorframe.
Her bedroom looked like a tornado had hit. The blankets had been thrown on the floor, there were clothes all over, books scattered in a pile by the bed--even weapons lying randomly on the nightstand. Iruka just snorted a laugh and walked through the bedroom, trying not to see the box of feminine *things* or the open condom wrapper. He only hoped the condom wasn't lying around somewhere.
Now, if he remembered correctly, Anko kept her pens in the linen closet--
A soft little noise had him freezing in the short hall between bedroom and living room. Iruka pulled a kunai and crept closer, edging down the side of the wall and peering around the doorway.
"Oh, hell," he muttered, closing his eyes quickly against seeing Anko and Gai smooshed up together on the couch.
He heard them break apart--he didn't dare look over--and a moment later Anko laughed. "Iruka? What are you doing here?"
He cracked an eye and looked up. "I can't find a pen, and I owe the kids their papers before winter break . . ."
"Ah, the job of one of our wonderful Sensei of the Academy," Gai began, all smiles despite the fact that Iruka had interrupted smooching time.
"Um, yes, thank you, Gai," Iruka mumbled.
Anko was adjusting her bra--oh, gods, Iruka didn't want to think why it needed adjusting--as she hopped off the couch. "Cut it out, Gai."
"Of course, fair maiden," Gai said, beaming. "I only wanted to show Iruka my respect!"
Anko stopped in the hall and looked back, eyes full of laughter. "You're a doll." Then she turned and started rummaging through the linen closet.
"Iruka-Sensei, while you're here--"
Iruka braced to be challenged, remembering what Anko had said.
"--do you mind telling me what great and secret mission you gave to my Eternal Rival? He has been working long into the evening, and when I ask he says only that he does it for your love!"
Iruka blanched. "What? He does?"
"Well, no. He says--"
"Iruka gave it to me!" Anko piped in, leaping past Iruka and onto the couch. Gai jumped up as well, picking her up and swinging her around, his hands almost wrapping around her waist. Anko nearly squealed in delight. Iruka watched, bemused. When Gai lifted her higher--higher than he was so they could nuzzle, he looked away and cleared his throat.
"I only have one pen left, I guess. Check by the phone," Anko said without looking around.
"Wait!" Gai said, putting Anko down. Anko pouted. "What did my most Esteemed Rival do to earn such a punishment?"
Iruka peered back at them. Anko's eyebrows rose suggestively. "Punishment, Iruka?"
He felt the blood rise to his face and fought it back down. "He was an asshole."
"Ah. Asked you out again, did he?" Anko said, smirking.
"No," Iruka snapped back. "He--" Suddenly, it all seemed very childish. Iruka continued anyway. "He wouldn't give me his mission report." In a mumble, he added, "And then he asked me out."
"Kakashi is most desperately in love with you, you know," Gai said, oddly solemn.
The blush grew and mutated into an angry flush. "He's not in love with me!" Iruka shouted.
"Well, that's true. But he does certainly want to woo you with tender kisses and heartfelt declarations of lust!" Gai raised a fist triumphantly, tears sparkling in his eyes. "It is his Springtime of Youth, and he is tempted by the good in you, Sensei!"
"There, there, baby," Anko crooned, petting his arm. "Just because Iruka's a jerk--"
"Wait--when did *I* become the jerk?" Iruka yelped.
"When you made him go clean out a swamp on his own," Anko said sharply.
The tears in Gai's eyes vanished. He stared at Iruka. "He's cleaning out a swamp?"
Iruka mentally groaned. "Yes. He's cleaning out a swamp."
"That's . . . degrading to someone of his talents," Gai said slowly, cheeks starting to pinken with anger. "No wonder he hasn't told anyone! He's been humiliated! I shall have to tell him that he means no less to me in my eyes! That his manhood has not been besmirched! That I do not doubt his ninja abilities!" The tears were back.
Iruka glared at Anko for starting this, but she was busy soothing her overemotional boyfriend. "Maybe," he heard her say, "you could just challenge Iruka for Kakashi's honor--"
"I have to go," Iruka said quickly, grabbed a pen and fled back through the windows.
**
Two days later, Iruka was sitting in the mission office when he smelled something rank. It simply got worse and worse, and he was starting to look for a dead rat when the office door opened and a Thing walked in.
It walked like Kakashi. But the silver hair was gone, and there was no black uniform. It would have been better if it'd been uniformly brown, but it wasn't. It was black and green and brown, with disturbing hints of silver at the top.
Iruka found himself covering the lower half of his face in an attempt to lessen the smell. It didn't work.
Somewhere under all that slime, a single visible eye arched upward. "I have a mission report for you, Sensei."
Iruka had to wonder if Kakashi's ability to say 'sensei' and make it sound like a curse was innate or if he worked at it. Then Kakashi held up a paper, and Iruka stopped thinking.
He wasn't expected to *take* that, was he?
"Uh, you can just leave that on the desk," Iruka said, getting out of his chair and backing away. His eyes were starting to water.
"Oh?" Kakashi said, voice frighteningly innocent. "Don't you want to take it from me? You were so insistent on that the other day…"
Something gleamed in a long, wet, slimy stripe up the paper.
"No. No, that’s okay. Just put it down," Iruka said quickly. "And next time you can shower before you come in." His throat was stinging.
"Regulations clearly state that mission reports should be turned in as soon as the mission is complete," Kakashi said somberly. "Did you want this?"
The smell was making Iruka gag. He fought back the reflex. "Oh, gods, please *leave,*" he whimpered.
"Oh? Did I offend you somehow, Sensei?"
There it was again, that sensei-curse. "Kakashi--"
"Kakashi!" Tsunade bellowed, blackening the doorway. "What the hell are you doing here, smelling like that? Go *home* before you stink up the Tower further! Do you think I *want* my offices smelling like a sewer line? Good gods!"
"Of course, Tsunade-sama," Kakashi said, eye pinning Iruka in place. "Sensei, I'll be collecting my debt for this job later." And he vanished.
Iruka dashed to open the windows, sticking his head out and gulping down clean air. He could hear Tsunade muttering as she stormed back down the hall.
With the source removed, the smell was already starting to fade. Still, Iruka suspected he'd have lingering hints of it in his clothes for eons.
And what had Kakashi said? Something about a debt? The Jounin had lost his mind. Iruka had managed to push him over the edge, and now unwanted groping was probably the least of his worries. He had to escape. Now.
Winter break was coming up. Only one week, but one week was enough for anger to fade. There had to be a mission elsewhere that would take a week. Iruka hurried to the stacks, rifling through them swiftly. It didn't take long before he found a C-rank mission. Snow country, which would be positively *frigid* this time of year, but heck--it was cold everywhere. Might as well go somewhere where it was expected to be cold. Somewhere where no Jounin was looking for him.
He could leave Saturday--no, Friday. As soon as classes were done. That meant he only had to avoid Kakashi for one night. He could manage that. He'd sleep over at Anko's. Surely Kakashi would be busy scrubbing--Iruka gagged at the memory of the smell, and tried not to think about what Kakashi would be scrubbing out of his hair.
The mission would take almost the full week of winter break, and then--then he could bury himself in work, before Kakashi buried him.
Yes. Yes, that would work just fine. And by the time he got back, Kakashi would be so disgusted with him that this whole stupid thing would be over.
Iruka sat down weakly in his chair and started counting the hours until he could leave.
***************
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