Chapter Three: Kiddies
"Ibiki, he *broke* into my apartment!" Iruka nearly shouted, standing in his coat in the Jounin's doorway. The wind whistled around him, making his wet hair even colder than before. He ignored it.
"Iruka, what do you want me to do?" Ibiki asked on a sigh.
"I--I--stop him!"
Ibiki stepped outside, closing his door behind him. Wordlessly, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it, turning the tip red with a deep inhalation. He blew smoke out, almost invisible in the dark, and looked at Iruka. "How?"
That stopped Iruka. He frowned. "Well--I don't know."
"I suppose I could arrest him. Do you think he's actually going to hurt you?"
The desert-dry tone had Iruka blushing, feeling like something of a fool. "Well, no, of course not. It's just--"
"So tell him no."
"I tried that," Iruka said through gritted teeth. "He doesn't listen." The wind picked up, threading under his coat, reminding him that he hadn't grabbed a sweater. Just his uniform, and he hadn't even bothered to tuck that in.
"So tell him again."
"It doesn't work!" Iruka said, throwing his hands up. "He--"
The door opened, and a knee-high girl poked her head out. "Daddy? Mom says if you don't come eat she's going to give it to the dog." She grinned, dimples bracketing her mouth. "Hi, Sensei!" she chirped.
"Hi, Miku," Iruka said, using every fiber of his Sensei training to summon a smile.
Miku vanished inside. Ibiki dropped his cigarette and crushed it under his heel, eyes flickering up. "Tell him again," he said, and left.
Iruka stared at the closed door hatefully. It wasn't going to work. He could tell Kakashi until he was blue in the face, but--
A child's laugh came from the house, and blended with the wind. Iruka smiled slowly. Maybe he could make Kakashi lose interest.
**
"So, you see Kakashi, I simply can't do it tomorrow night," Iruka said blithely, lie firmly rehearsed. He used his best innocent look, the one everyone bought no matter what horrific things he'd done. "I have a tutoring session. I just can't cancel it."
Trap set. He waited. Either Kakashi would back out--which would be a win--or Kakashi wouldn't--which would be a win when the children terrorized him all night long.
"Hmmm," Kakashi said thoughtfully, gazing upward. "I'll join you."
Trap sprung. Iruka gave another token protest or two--just to make it seem real--and walked away feeling rather smug.
Let the bastard be interested after *this*. It would be perfect.
"Don't you think you're being a little hard on him?" Kotetsu asked, falling into step as they headed down the street.
Iruka just snorted.
"I mean, he's awfully attractive--and I don't even like guys."
"He's ANBU," Iruka pointed out. "I always said I would never date anyone more messed up in the head than I am, and he's *ANBU.*"
"Point," Kotetsu said with a shrug, and opened the door to the pub.
**
Children? Iruka glanced around his little apartment--recently made as child-proof as possible when one was dealing with mini-ninja. Konohamaru, Moegi, and Udon were currently drinking a frighteningly red drink--Iruka was pretty sure it was sugar and dye--while Miku and Reiko were fighting over who was Fujio's best friend--Kenji or Miku herself. Reiko, apparently, cared more about seeing the boys be friends than anything else. Iruka didn't quite understand it, but they were ten; it was hard to understand a ten-year-old at the best of times.
And after candy, cookies, and red "fruit" punch, this wasn't the best of times. He practically cackled when someone knocked at the door. "You guys be good," he said, and ignored the crash coming from the kitchen.
Casualties were something to be expected in a time of war.
Kakashi was beaming when Iruka opened the door, plastering his best innocent face back on. "Oh! Kakashi, I'm glad you're here," he said, slipping on his shoes. "I ran out of juice--" he'd poured the rest down the sink, "--and need to go get some more." He shifted, moving around Kakashi so the hall was clear. "Keep them entertained, won't you? We're working on reading. The book's on the coffee table." He smiled cheerfully, shoved Kakashi inside, and practically slammed the door.
Freedom felt wonderful. He nearly skipped down the hall.
**
He took his time getting to and from the store, and he went to the farthest store he could think of. Surely by the time he got back Kakashi would be worn out and ready to flee--and then Iruka could just put on a movie like he'd planned and let all the kids konk out on the floor until morning.
It was a perfect plan.
The sound of children screaming as he wandered down his apartment hall made him smile. He straightened his features out before opening the door, and stared around the room.
Kakashi stood in the center like a lone mast, all sails torn apart by the wind. Cushions were scattered around the floor along with chips and chocolate. The television was running, but no one was watching it.
"AGAIN!" Moegi bellowed, and ran straight at Kakashi. At the last minute the Copy Ninja caught her, flipped her around one arm and dropped her back on her feet behind him. She giggled madly.
Kenji and Fujio came out of the bathroom, whispering to each other, and Konohamaru started to sing, "Kenji and Fujio sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
"Were not!" Kenji said, bulleting toward Konohamaru.
"IRUKA-SENSEI'S BACK!" Miku screamed at the top of her lungs, proving Ibiki's quiet growl had nothing to do with genetics.
They mobbed him, but he'd expected that. Iruka held the grocery bag above their grasping hands, laughing cheerfully. If there was just a touch of an evil cackle to it, no one noticed. He waded through the seven children to the kitchen, glancing over his shoulder as he went.
Kakashi was still standing in the middle of the room, looking like he'd just survived a war. "Having fun?" Iruka asked sweetly, quickly getting a pitcher and mixing water and the disgusting red powder to make punch.
Kakashi stared at him. Then, somehow, he summoned a smile. "Oh, yeah. Great."
Iruka didn't gape, though he wanted to. Obviously the Copy Ninja really *was* insane. Or more persistent than Iruka had given him credit for.
Iruka just smiled brightly again. "Who wants punch?"
A chorus of high pitched squeals was his answer, and he happily poured more sugar water into plastic cups for each little monster. "Did you get them to do any reading?" he asked innocently, knowing full well it was nearly impossible.
"Ah . . . about that," Kakashi hedged, eye cresenting upward and a hand lifting to ruffle the back of his hair.
Iruka gave his best Disapproving Sensei look and tut tutted. "Well--did you get something to eat? There's pizza . . ." He gestured at the box, certain the ragamuffins had already eaten it all.
"Ah, no," Kakashi said. "But if you don’t mind--"
"Not at all!" Iruka chirped, and left Kakashi in the kitchen. He settled down on the couch, braced to spend the rest of the evening breaking up fights and rescuing lamps from sticky fingers. At least he would do it on a full stomach.
He managed to look apologetic when Kakashi came out of the kitchen empty handed. Then a child climbed up onto the coffee table, and Iruka had his hands full wrapping arms around the three others who tried to follow.
"I'm SUPERNINJA!" Konohamaru bellowed, and just as Iruka was about to say fond farewells to his kitchen chair, Kakashi scooped the little boy up and set him on his feet--off the furniture. In retaliation, Konohamaru turned around and kicked Kakashi's shins.
"Kakashi and Iruka sittin' in a tree! S-U-C-K-I-N-"
Iruka tossed a pillow at Kenji, effectively silencing the blond boy.
"Iruka-Sensei?" Miku said quietly, hovering in the doorway.
"Yes?"
"The toilet's overflowing . . ."
His face paled and he leapt up, bolting for the bathroom.
Reiko stood inside, staring down at the toilet bowl as water ran over. At least it was clear water, Iruka supposed. "We stuffed the balloons down there--thought they'd pop," Reiko said, her eyes stuck at the sight before her. Her socks were soaked.
"Balloons?" Iruka muttered. He sloshed through the half inch of water on the floor and picked the child up, setting her aside so he could peer down into the toilet.
Somehow, they'd managed to blow up condoms. He felt his face turn pink, and he stooped to give the water nozzle a violent twist.
"I think your balloons were bad, Sensei," Reiko said, flouncing from the room. "They were all slimy."
Iruka's face turned even more pink. "Yes, well," he muttered, starting the arduous process of fishing giant condoms out of the toilet. A shadow darkened the doorway, and he shot a glare up at Kakashi. "Not a word."
"I wouldn't dream of it," Kakashi said, grinning--from what Iruka could tell.
A child started to scream in the other room. Iruka began to rise, and Kakashi shook his head. "I'll fix it," he said on a long-suffering sigh, and left.
Iruka tried not to feel relieved. He just focused on getting the condoms out.
**
Kakashi had hung on for longer than Iruka had expected, Iruka had to give him credit for that. He'd stayed put through the rousing chorus of 'who can scream the loudest,' through the game of 'break Kakashi's spine,' the excitement of 'we found Kakashi-Sensei's weapons'--which was perfect, as then Iruka could scold Kakashi for having weapons around children--and the adventure of 'hide the toilet paper from Moegi.' And, to make things ever better, Kakashi's stomach had started growling halfway through the festivities.
Around nine the Copy Ninja had claimed paperwork and fled, and Iruka had immediately put in a movie with talking robots and a lion that saved the day, settled the children on the pull-out couch, and waited for them to drain out their energy. By ten three of them were asleep, Reiko and Miku were having a heated conversation about Kenji and Fujio--and Iruka couldn't *wait* to find out who had taught Kenji to sing 'SUCKING' instead of 'KISSING'--while Konohamaru and Udon ate popcorn and cheered on the lion.
Moegi had fallen asleep between Kenji and Fujio, and Iruka foresaw many boys in her future.
And Kakashi had left with the impression that this was what Iruka spent his days doing. Yes, Iruka felt he'd dodged that relationship quite nicely.
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