Summary: Some questions are better of never asked. At least f one knows that the answer will not be what you asked for. But from time to time, Kaoru can be just as blunt as his twin. [implied hikaxkaoxharu]
Categories: Non-Naruto Fiction Characters: None
Genres: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 3 Completed: Yes
Word count: 2811 Read: 3128
Published: 11/09/06 Updated: 11/09/06
1. Kaoru by elict
2. Haruhi by elict
3. Chapter 3 by elict
Author's Notes:
Disclaimer: No owning. But if anyone could tell me where to buy a Kaoru, please give me a call, ne?
AN: This is more a character study then anything else. I've written it to make it easier for me to understand these three, maybe for future fics, maybe just because I need to. I'm sorry if it confuses you.
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Kaoru
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”So, which one of us do you like better?”
The question surprises her, he can see that, and his smirk widens a little from that knowledge. She’s so easy to read.
She’s different from all of them like that, they who always depends on their facades and faked acts to pretend to keep moving forward, when in fact the only reason that they haven’t stopped completely is that she’s there to let then be honest.
He likes her because she’s so easy to understand, to control. A toy. Their toy.
But then, she turns completely towards him and smiles, and suddenly she’s not easy to understand at all.
“That doesn’t really matter, does it?” she says. “Because neither of you wants me to like you in any other way than I like the other… right?”
It startles him, that she can say such things with that smile on her face. He surprises himself by wanting to hit something, hit her, for breaking the rules like that. With that smile on her face.
She starts to walk away, and he can do nothing but to look, to stare, and for one second he hates her for making him stare, for making him long for something, for something else then his twin and their shared world, where everything is simple, for making him want something more, something more complicated, something from outside.
“But you know…” she offers, as she stops again, and her face is serious now. “If I were to chose, I’d say I like Hikaru a little better.”
He has never, ever wished to be like Hikaru. He was happy about the differences, because it was theirs, their secret, and no one else knew about them. No one else could see them.
So why does it suddenly feel like it would be easier if they were one person? Not two, but one, like they like to believe, to pretend. He wants to be able to be blunt, to not think, like Hikaru. To simply ask her aloud; why?
Alike, yet different, isn’t enough. Because she can see. She can look at them, tell them apart, and separate them, and he hates her for being able to pick out one of them from the other.
A widening gap.
That she might be the only one able to fill.
That smile again, and - didn’t she move further away than that? – she tweaks his nose with her forefinger, blinking at him. “At least Hikaru doesn’t try to set me up with his brother behind my, and his, back.”
She knows?
She knows.
For how long?
Probably all along.
Once again he finds himself looking wide-eyed at her retreating back, lean shoulders and a tiny waist under a blue suit, and he tucks his hands into his pockets, and shrugs; well, as long as Hikaru doesn’t find out.
He’d like to think that that is the only thing that matters. That Hikaru is still the only one that matters. He’d really like to think that.
And soon, his twin returns from his talk with their teacher, and he flings his arm around Kaoru’s shoulder and smiles their cheeky smile, certain that his brother will understand exactly what he’s smiling at. Kaoru thinks that he maybe does. And maybe doesn’t.
Then his brother cocks his head up, and the smile falters.
“Where’s Haruhi?” he asks, tracing the empty corridor with his eyes.
“She went ahead,” Kaoru answers.
“Ah. Let’s go catch up on her then.”
And when he walks beside his twin to meet up with the rest of the Host Club, he can feel it in Hikaru’s steps what is in his eyes.
And he likes to think that he knows that it is the same thing that is in his eyes.
Will she be able to fill the gap that she created?
Will he be able to let her?
He likes to think that what Hikaru sees is the same thing he sees. Only not.
Tono is making a fuss over them being late. He’s yelling about hopeless, devious twins, about the grace of the club and each member’s need to take responsibility, and Hikaru answers, pouting, that Haruhi was late too. Hikaru makes Kaoru brave, blunt enough to dare to sneak his arm around Haruhi’s thin waist, as he agrees that “Yeah, why won’t you yell at her, for a change?”
As Tono goes into a long rant about the need for a father to show his best sides to his daughter to give her the right kind of upbringing, Kaoru shocks himself by knowing, even without looking, really knowing what Haruhi’s face looks like right now, the bored blank stare.
Her eyes are so much different from his, from theirs, her feelings are all new, a completely different person, and yet he knows.
Even though she’s not Hikaru, he knows her.
And he realizes that she is right. He wants her to look at them both the exact same way.
Hikaru steps up on the other side of Haruhi, and he rests his hands on top of her head, to lean his own head on top of them. Kaoru glances at him, seeing his mischievous smile, smiling back, while he wonders, really wonders, which one of us is Hikaru closer to right now?
Then Kyouya interrupts Tono’s speech by reminding them that it is time to open the Club for their customers.
Kaoru lets his arms linger a little longer then necessary around Haruhi, just to be certain that Hikaru is the one who backs away first. Haruhi tilts her head up, looking at him, as the arm finally drops away, and she’s wearing that look again, that lets you know that there, right under the surface, is all the answers that you need, if you only were capable of looking that deep.
But he’s not able to. Not yet. Their world is widening, and the gap is growing larger, but there’s still too much of Hikaru’s eyes in his for him to be able to look as Haruhi and find that.
And for a little, while longer, he can rest assure in that feeling.
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Part one - Owari
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Author's Notes:
Disclaimer: No owning. But if anyone could tell me where to buy a Kaoru, please give me a call, ne?
AN: There weren't supposed to be more then one part from the beginning. Now there will be three parts.
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Haruhi
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”So, which one of us do you like better?”
There is such little hesitation in his voice, that for a moment she isn’t sure which one of them it is that is talking. The voice belongs to Kaoru, but the words are Hikaru’s.
As if he is pretending.
There is a pang of realization, and she stares at him, searching, somehow wanting to find that she mistook one of them for the other, just this once.
Because that would be easier.
Because that is still what they want.
But it is still Kaoru that looks at her, it is still Kaoru’s eyes and Kaoru’s mouth, and Kaoru’s cheekbones. Hikaru’s smirk.
And the disappointment is annoyingly strong.
She smiles to hide it. From him. From herself.
As usual.
“That doesn’t really matter, does it?” she says, and she knows that it is wrong, wrong, because it does matter. “Because neither of you wants me to like you in any other way than I like the other… right?”
And that, that is true. His eyes tell her so.
Even if they aren’t Hikaru’s.
She turns away, smile still on her face, feeling a little stronger than usual, a little taller. She knows that Kaoru is looking at her, that he’s confused, that her words haven’t been enough. They’re still too complicated for him to understand.
Even if he isn’t Hikaru.
“But you know…” she turns around, and she knows that he will have to listen, because this is too easy to not understand.
Even if he had been Hikaru.
“If I were to chose, I’d say I like Hikaru a little better.”
His eyes change, and she doesn’t like it. Kaoru’s eyes are distant, sometimes, scheming, sometimes, but never cold. Never cold like this.
What was that?
It is frightening, and she has to explain herself, somehow, so she adds;
“At least Hikaru doesn’t try to set me up with his brother behind my, and his, back.”
She blinks at him, reaches up to him, the finger that wants to trace his cheekbone stops at his nose. She has to go away, away from him for a while, hurry, because he can see, right now he would be able to see, see that what she doesn’t even look at herself. Not yet.
They are not ready yet.
They catch up to her just inside the doors to the music-room. Tamaki-senpai scolds Hikaru and Kaoru for being late. Hikaru responds by pointing out her delayed arrival, too.
Kaoru stays silent a little while longer then Hikaru.
He’s angry?
Kaoru steps up to her, and she can only just feel the slightest of hesitations before his arm settles around her, and she almost freezes from the surprise running through her; he’s not angry, before he agrees with his brother, “Yeah, why won’t you yell at her too, for a change?”
It is strangely comforting, to feel his hand on her hip, the teasing tone in both of their voices, trying their best to copy the exact same attitude as the other one, and managing to do so. Things are back in order, Tamaki-senpai’s long gone into one of his usual acts, Hikaru steps up on her other side, resting his head against hers, their smiles are mocking, teasing, she is once more degraded to being their toy.
Their toy.
Their support.
Where are we going? Do any of you know?
Kyouya is the one who saves her from her thoughts, as usual, as he directs Tamaki’s attention towards this day’s opening of the Host Club. His eyes linger at Haruhi for a moment, as is he’s waiting for her to follow his demand.
What demand? What does he want from me?
And Kyouya and Tamaki is complicated, and hard to understand, and they are head-aches and sleepless night full of confusion, and Hikaru and Kaoru are easy, they are hers, just like they want her to be theirs, and for some reason, she can’t find the strength to step away from the two bodies leaning towards her. Not yet.
And then, Hikaru withdraws, and Kaoru follows. A little slower.
Haruhi glances up at him, and she wonders if he knows that it was a mistake, that he should never have asked, never had tried to be Hikaru, because now there’s something there that is her fault, something she has to fix.
He meets her gaze, but not for long. There’s something in his eyes, a scared animal, and she knows that he’s not ready.
They’re not ready.
And somehow, she’s glad that she knows that, before somewhere, deep inside, she’s not sure that she’s ready either.
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Part two - Owari
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Author's Notes:
Disclaimer: No owning. But if anyone could tell me where to buy a Kaoru, please give me a call, ne?
AN: And there is Hikaru. He was hard to write, and if you notice any OOC-ness, I am sorry. This boy puzzles me... I still love him, non the less! ^^
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Hikaru
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Haruhi and Kaoru left. The class left. No mumbling voices, no sound of chairs being pushed around, no Kaoru, no Haruhi. He’s alone.
She’s talking? Oh… She’s talking.
Hollow voice, black eyes. So different from his. Theirs. Hers.
How boring.
She’s talking. Dropping grades, who cares? He already knows that he is not Kaoru. They are not the same. He knows that. Because he has been told so.
He was angry with her then, yes. She’s breaking the rules, always breaking the rules. It was so easy to follow them. Why couldn’t she?
But he is not angry anymore. How can he? Because she has brown, brown eyes and thin, fine hands, and her shoulders are lean under the cloth of her clothes.
He tries to listen a little more, hollow voice, while she tells him can’t you ask Kaoru-kun or Fujioka-kun to help you? They both have excellent grades in Japanese.
But Hikaru is still better than Kaoru in math.
He agrees quickly, and with a sigh – why are you looking at me like that? We are not the same person – she allows him to go.
They are not the same person.
When he steps out in the corridor, he is greeted by Kaoru. He closes the distance between them, no emptiness, oh, how he still loves this illusion. His arm rests on Kaoru’s slim shoulders, and he smiles, because his shoulders are the same. His hair is the same. His face is the same.
Even if they are not the same.
But…
He thinks that he sees something in Kaoru’s eyes, something that he does not like, something that is strange, and scary, and for a moment he feels that he needs to ask, what is it, but that scares him even more. There are no questions between them, there shouldn’t be any questions between them – we know each others, right, Kaoru? Even if we’re not the same? - but then he notices that Haruhi is not there, and Kaoru’s eyes, strange, full of something he doesn’t want to know, Kaoru’s golden mirrors, their eyes are not enough, he need another pair of eyes.
“Where’s Haruhi?”
Kaoru looks away, slightly, what are you looking at? There’s nothing there.
And maybe that is what is wrong? Is that it, Kaoru? Do you feel empty too?
Without her?
But Hikaru still doesn’t ask.
“She went ahead.”
Hikaru does not like emptiness. Or hollowness. He doesn’t like it when eyes that he needs just go missing. “Ah. Lets go catch up on her then.” And there’s no hesitation in his steps, as he walks beside Kaoru, and he thinks that maybe he should ask her, ask her if she can tutor him in Japanese, sometime.
She and Kaoru, both of them. Of course.
Because Hikaru does not like emptiness.
When they enter, Tono is all over them in an instant. You're late! he shouts, irresponsible, he calls them, hopeless, he calls them, and Hikaru pouts, because it wasn’t his fault, and the one who does not take responsibility is not him, it is not Kaoru, it is not them.
It is not their fault, the emptiness. They are always there.
It is her.
But Tono will not understand. He is so full of himself, of his ideals and his dreams, that there is no room for emptiness.
And he has to tell Tono. “Haruhi is almost as late as we are,” he says, and he wonders if Haruhi will be angry with him for accusing her. And he wonders why Kaoru didn’t say it too.
He almost glances at his twin - why didn’t you say it too? - but then Kaoru sneaks his arm around Haruhi, and he echoes “Yeah, why won’t you yell at her, for a change?” and Hikaru is glad, because Kaoru’s missing voice made his voice sound so hollow.
And Hikaru does not like hollowness.
Tono, of course does not take this lightly, and he becomes angry, yelling about nothing, about his “daughter”, about the Club, and Hikaru smirks, he knows that their success will fill the emptiness, the ever threatening emptiness, for a while longer.
He places his hands on top of Haruhi, and rests his head against them. Heh, he can see how her eyes looks, even without looking, bored, cynical, and he can feel Kaoru just to the right, and there are no emptiness left.
Then Kyouya interrupts Tono’s speech by reminding them that it is time to open the Club for their customers.
Hikaru sighs a little, before stepping away, empty, emptier, but not alone. He walks after Tono, and Kyouya, and he has taken two steps already when he notices that Kaoru isn’t there.
There’s a small shiver running up his spine, and he doesn’t dare to look back, because Haruhi is standing behind him too, both of them, their faces, their eyes, his.
His?
What is it, Kaoru?
The question hangs heavy in his mind, but he does not ask, he can not aks, because they do not ask each others such things. There never was any questions between them.
He will not look back, so he drags his next step out, a little, and then Kaoru is by his side, and he is smiling, and Haruhi says something behind them, tone bored, voice real; Anou… Tamaki-senpai… and it is not empty, they are there.
Both of them.
And the questions can wait.
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Widening Gap - Owari
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Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.