It doesn’t matter how Takuyamo-chan arrived in the Naruniverse, It was probably on a dark stormy night, after all we all know you are either going to be sucked into a television, the lights are going to go out randomly or you will fall into a lake and drown into the Naruniverse (Don’t drown yourself in real life, it doesn’t work, I tried it on my cat), but he did one of the above and still retains his memory (thank god)
Of course this wouldn’t be a fanfic unless I told you everything about my character beforehand instead of revealing it slowly for story development so:
Name: Takuyamo-chan
Hair: is brown.
Powers: none
Cloth- screw it, you’ll find out later.
Takuyamo-chan had a simple plan in mind after arriving on some random dirt trail next to a forest and not in Konoha.*
*Small puddles and wet soil dotted the sides of the dirt trail he had been traveling on. The cold and muggy foggy weather had an uncanny resemblance to the night of his birthday. To his left was the now dark forest he had been traveling through, and to his right was a flooded rice field. Abandoned wooden shacks were littered throughout the area. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted what appeared to be a struggling old merchant across the side of the field, he carried a large backpack, his straw hat and tattered large brown coat dripped with the light drizzle of rain that had now swept over the land. Takuyamo-chan ran over to the old man, stole his coat, straw hat and beat him with his wooden box of a backpack until his blood spilled and flowed like a red river down into the watery ditch. He wonders what is in the mystery box he didn’t fight so hard to get. nothing.
Anyway, he planned he would follow the road until he finds a town and find directions to Konoha. Proceed to go Konoha and meet the ninja he was interested in meeting and join their team. However, he noticed things were out of place. It finally struck him after a few days that he didn’t appear in Konoha or at the start of episode 1 like the other fan fictions.
“Pfft…I don't want to think up a reason why I will be able to join Team 7 anyway!” Takuyamo-chan said pridefully.
He didn’t even get the chance to explain how his parents were murdered in cold blood before his very eyes!
"Pfft...I don't need to have my parents murdered to get reviews!" He brushed off the negative thoughts like the blood from his new hat.
“I can still express my hatred for that dumb ugly bitch Sakura! Oh, and if someone has already brought Sasuke back I’ll remind him how emo he is!” He grinned and then laughed maniacally.
Satisfied that he may still have some hope left, he plotted just how long it would take him until he could befriend Naruto at the ramen stand and watch a big grin crawl across his face whilst he scratches the back of his head and proceed to join the ninja academy, prank Kakashi, kill Zabuza, get Sakura drunk and nail her. You know, the usual.
He contemplated long and hard for methods to reach Konoha, as he is unable to walk much longer. Soon he remembered a fic he read where these two beautiful girls used a teleport jutsu, apparently available to the earthlings who are able to reach the Narutoverse.
If those girls can teleport then surely I can! But wait, do I just think of the place then shout it out? They make it look so easy in the text. Guess I can give it a try…
He assumed the position, and howled, “Teleportation no Jutsu!”
There was not one ounce of success.
“It… It…Di-Didn’t work…? It always worked for everyone else!” He lowered his head, kicked a rock, etc.
Over the course of the next few hours he tried various methods, such as putting his hands in all different shapes and even tried using his feet for feet seals, nothing worked. Not even biting his thumb to the bone brought success. No teleportation, water floating, leaf splitting, bloodline, or mind reading was happening, and he would kill the author if he mentioned his attempts at tree hopping. He is losing hope, so now it is time for a tear-jerking flashback. –Ah shit!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx flashback xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
After the naked Takuyamo-chan discovered that he didn’t have a vagina he filled with rage faster than a mary-sue with a crazy bloodline about to unleash lightning bolts.
“HOW CAN I NOT BE FEMALE?! ALL OC’s ARE GIRLS!” he screeched.
Moments later, the unthinkable crossed his mind, “AT THIS RATE I WON’T EVEN SEE NARUTO FEELING SASUKE’S HARDNESS!” this caused him to scream louder, and his screams only reminded him more of thoughts of Sasuke’s HARDNESS entering THE FORBIDDEN PLACE. It snowballed from there. No one reads flashbacks anyway so I won’t continue! Some say they heard the old merchant’s ghost wailing along with Taku’s screaming.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx end dramatic flashback xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
“Maybe the teleport doesn't work because I don’t…Wait… Aren’t I supposed to know Japanese?! That shit is supposed handed to you when you land in Naruto!” He smashed his fist into his palm, kicked a rock, etc… "And how long until Kakashi comes to train me? That shit is mandatory in fanfics! I've seen them all dammit!"
He pondered if he should have kept that merchant alive. Guess he forgot he was looking for directions. He figured only Tia and Priscilla could bring back that disfigured bloody mess of a man back to life.
He had no choice but to continue his journey. He picked up his blood-red backpack and continued on his way knowing something had to happen in his adventure sooner or later, like an unwritten rule and get dragged to Konoha. At the very least run into Kakashi!
He sighed..."Either that or yaoi"
So it begins…
Will Takuyamo-chan ever make it to Konoha or learn the secret to “gaining” Japanese? Will we find out why he didn’t realize he was nude this entire time? Will I steal people’s OC’s and rip them to shreds? Surely I wouldn’t –wink- But seriously, Taku needs some tips to get back to Konoha or learn some powers! Who should he sex up? Also, I never harmed a cat.
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Table of Contents
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Story notes: Not trolling.
Chapter notes: This is where I tell everyone I don't own Naruto and add some witty line as to what I would do If I did own Naruto. This space is also used to plead for reviews. Before you read know that I do enjoy the fan fictions I read and I'm not intending to troll or bash any author. I respect them for bringing new adventures or situations to Naruto.
Anyway, this little adventure is an actually adventure and a parody and roasting of some of the common traits naruto fics share.
Chapter end notes: I spit this fanfic out in record time.