The Care and Keeping of Our Favorite Avenger
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or “The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual” series. This story was completely inspired by Hikari Hrair-rah’s out take of Theresa Green’s series.
Author’s Note:
Before you all start protesting, I’ll have you all know that yes, I have read AnTiJaKe’s Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual to SASUKE, and yes, I know you guys all loved that. However, I love Sasuke, too, and I couldn’t resist writing one of my own. (Yes, I do have Theresa Green’s permission to write these, and, if you want to write some, you must too, or else it would be called plagiarism–which brings me to this: if you dare copy this and post it on another site, I will have you account frozen. This has happened to me before and I’m quite jaded, thank you very much. Ech, sorry for sounding like a bitch.) I have written previous Owner Guides in the Rurouni Kenshin section, so I’d like to think that I know how to work with these things.
In any case, enjoy and please tell me what you think of it!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a newly released UCHIHA SASUKE unit! With a little help from us, you’ll have no trouble turning the little avenger to a full blown heartthrob! Now, without further ado, read on and learn exactly what you need to do to turn your unit from zero to ‘Damn, that’s one fine ass!-magnet’
Basic Information:
Name: Uchiha Sasuke (AKA: The Avenger. Will also respond to: “Sasuke-bastard” or “GO ON A DATE WITH ME, SASUKE-KUN!”)
Date of Manufacture: Classified Information
Place of Manufacture: Uchiha’s Special Drink All You Can Night Inc., Kohona
Height: 150.8 cm (roughly 4"11)
Weight: 42.2 kg (roughly 93 lbs.)
Length: Classified Information (call in and ask for “Orochimaru’s dirty little secrets”)
Your UCHIHA SASUKE will come with the following accessories:
One Navy Blue Shirt with Overly Large Collar (paper fan insignia on the back)
One Pair of White Shorts
One Pair of White and Navy Blue Armbands
One Pair Black Sandals
One Kohona Metal Headband
Before you open up the box to your UCHIHA SASUKE unit, please be sure that you have plenty of onigiri and tomatoes to placate him when he comes out of the box. (Note: Contents may have settled to the bottom of the box during the trip.) He may try to Uchiha Death Glareİ you into submission, but if you can hold his gaze, he may listen to you.
Programming:
Your UCHIHA SASUKE unit will, of course, have been programmed with several useful habits. He will be compatible working in the following jobs:
Ninja: If you remember correctly, your UCHIHA SASUKE unit did graduate as the number one rookie in the ninja academy. Use this information to your advantage and send him on “exciting, dangerous missions”, whether they are to look for your cat or to weed your garden.
Bodyguard: As with all our state-of-the-art programmed models, your UCHIHA SASUKE unit is great as a bodyguard. He is light on his feet, quick with analyzing situations, and amazingly strong. He will have no trouble guarding you through the most freaky of situations.
SAT “Helper”: With his Sharingan eyes and his cuteness, your UCHIHA SASUKE unit will have no trouble memorizing the answers to all the critical reading questions on the SAT off of your nerdy neighbor. Allow him to help you cheat, and then some! Harvard will never be the same!
Bait: Crazy, lusty child molesters running amok in your neighborhood? Tie your Uchiha Sasuke up in a chair and just watch him attract those guys like a super magnet! Fear not, for after those criminals have arrived, your UCHIHA SASUKE unit will promptly and painfully beat those guys to a bloody pulp!
Main Attraction: Planning a big party with the hottest ‘it’ girls around, but fear that they might not be coming? Just put on the invitation that THE UCHIHA SASUKE will be there, and those chicks will be spraying each other with their own pepper spray to get to the little avenger.
Your UCHIHA SASUKE unit will come in the following modes:
Cocky Son of a Biscuit (default)
Kinda Irked
Cursed Seal Pissed Off (locked)
Avenger
Out of Character (locked)
Please note that you might have a hard time telling the difference between Cocky Son of a Biscuit and Kinda Irked. We warn all owners to have a good idea of what each mode is like before “playing” with their UCHIHA SASUKE units.
Though your UCHIHA SASUKE does have not have a Slash Mode, once you lock his Out of Character Mode, a Slash Mode is relatively easy to program.
Relations to other units:
UZUMAKI NARUTO: This loud, annoying, hyped up blonde ninja will usually send your UCHIHA SASUKE unit straight into his Kinda Irked Mode. However, after surviving the Uchiha Death Glareİ, several kunai in the body, and a couple hundred insults, your UCHIHA SASUKE may come to think of UZUMAKI NARUTO as a teammate as well as a rival.
HARUNO SAKURA: Though he may not act like it, your UCHIHA SASUKE does like having a HARUNO SAKURA around. The pink-haired kunoichi will follow around your little shinobi around, generally bothering him with offers of dates. However, please note the fact that if your UCHIHA SASUKE ever unlocks his Cursed Seal Pissed Mode, a HARUNO SAKURA unit will be the only thing to bring him out of his rage.
HATAKE KAKASHI: Your UCHIHA SASUKE unit’s teacher is the notoriously late HATAKE KAKASHI. This one-Sharingan-eyed teacher will usually hide behind his mask (and his Icha Icha Paradise books), but in good time will teach your UCHIHA SASUKE a great many things, such as the Chidori attack.
MOMOCHI ZABUZA: Although your UCHIHA SASUKE is a strong little fighter, he is no match for a student-slaughtering type like a MOMOCHI ZABUZA. It would be a good idea to have a HAKU unit when you put a MOMOCHI ZABUZA and UCHIHA SASUKE unit together.
HAKU: (Note: Though he is very pretty, it is essential to realize that a HAKU unit is male, so don’t try to dress him up in little dresses.) This Mizu nin is skilled in many things, including putting people in a death-like state. If your UCHIHA SASUKE is left alone with a MOMOCHI ZABUZA unit, be sure to have a HAKU unit nearby.
OROCHIMARU: OROCHIMARU units will usually molest, harass, and pet your UCHIHA SASUKE unit until he goes completely nuts. A bite from an OROCHIMARU unit is the only way for your UCHIHA SASUKE unit to unlock his Cursed Seal Pissed Mode. (Warning: When an OROCHIMARU unit says he wants your UCHIHA SASUKE’s body... He means it. Try not to leave an UCHIHA SASUKE unit alone in a room with an OROCHIMARU unit.)
SOUND NIN (CHUNIN EXAMS VALUE PACK): If you value your SOUND NIN at all, then please don’t leave them with your UCHIHA SASUKE unit. Your UCHIHA SASUKE will usually try to kill these three subordinates of OROCHIMARU, leaving only one relatively unscathed.
UCHIHA ITACHI: Though this deadly missing nin looks like your UCHIHA SASUKE, except with glowing red eyes, it is essential that you keep them from each other! A UCHIHA ITACHI unit is (drop dead gorgeous and ready to lick away) extremely quick to break his little brother’s wrists, so try to keep your UCHIHA SASUKE unit from compulsively trying to kill him, please.
Cleaning:
It is absolutely, completely necessary to bathe your UCHIHA SASUKE unit as often as possible. As he may not be used to your bathtub, it is a good idea to step into the shower with him to teach him how to operate the (his) machinery. We also recommend you have random strip searches... just in case he does anything bad. He can be very sneaky.
Warning: UCHIHA SASUKE units and its manufacturers are not responsible or liable for any marital disputes caused by bathing an UCHIHA SASUKE unit.
Energy:
Your UCHIHA SASUKE will quite happily survive on the cheapest of diets: onigiri and tomatoes. It is also a good idea to provide your UCHIHA SASUKE with the occasional roast fish, which he will be happy to catch himself.
Like all our other units, your UCHIHA SASUKE recharges itself during sleep. We recommend at least 6 hours each night for a completely sane avenger.
Note: Not giving your UCHIHA SASUKE enough sleep may unlock his Out of Character Mode.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: My UCHIHA SASUKE is dead! I left him with a HAKU and MOMOCHI ZABUZA unit like you guys said, but now he’s dead! What the hell?!
A: Calm down—your UCHIHA SASUKE unit is not dead. He is merely in a death-like state that the HAKU unit left him in. To revive your UCHIHA SASUKE unit, please borrow a HARUNO SAKURA unit. She will promptly start crying at the sight of his limp body and lie on his chest. In moments, your UCHIHA SASUKE will awaken.
Q: Whenever my UCHIHA SASUKE goes into his Kinda Irked (or worse) Mode, his eyes turn red. What’s up?
A: That is the patented Uchiha Bloodline Ability, the Sharinganİ. You can use this to your advantage by asking your UCHIHA SASUKE to turn on the Sharingan so you can detect certain things for you (like why your friend with the HYUUGA NEJI unit keeps looking at you suspiciously).
Q: I accidently left my UCHIHA SASUKE on for several nights and now he’s in his Out of Character Mode, which I don’t want! I want my brooding avenger back!
A: You can try putting your UCHIHA SASUKE unit with a MOMOCHI ZABUZA and HAKU unit. After he is revived using a HARUNO SAKURA unit, he should be back to normal. If not, well, um... Sucks for you, huh?
Q: I accidently mentioned the fact that my friend has a UCHIHA ITACHI unit, and now my UCHIHA SASUKE is gone!
A: Silly mistake, but one that is relatively easy to fix. Send after a JIRAIYA unit, who will stop your friend’s UCHIHA ITACHI from further hurting your UCHIHA SASUKE unit by using Kuchiyose: Gamakuchi Shibari (Summoning: Toad Mouth Bind). Your friend’s UCHIHA ITACHI will escape, but your UCHIHA SASUKE unit will survive. (NOTE: Do not send a team of Chunin and Genin after him! They will be promptly beaten and sent back half dead.)
Q: I want little Sasukes and Sakuras running around, but even after I got my HARUNO SAKURA unit, my UCHIHA SASUKE still doesn’t seem to want to repopulate his clan!
A: When you first open up your UCHIHA SASUKE unit, he will have the mentality of an arrogant 12 year old. Sex will be the farthest thing from his mind. You might want to wait a few years.
Q: I keep hearing a great number of birds in my backyard, but when I go out to investigate, I only see my UCHIHA SASUKE unit.
A: It’s a good thing you went outside! Your UCHIHA SASUKE unit is practicing the Chidori attack to get strong enough to kill his brother. If you hadn’t stopped him, you may be seeing a large hole somewhere on your property that wasn’t there the moment before...
Q: Why the hell is my UCHIHA SASUKE surrounded by purple miasma and covered with dark rashes?
A: Have you left your UCHIHA SASUKE unit together in a room with an OROCHIMARU unit? The symptoms your described is your UCHIHA SASUKE digging into his Cursed Seal power (resulting in Cursed Seal Pissed Mode). Get your HARUNO SAKURA to stop the spread of the rashes. After calming him down, it would be a good idea to call an UCHIHA SASUKE technician to fix the problem if you don’t want him to run off with the 50 year old child molester who wears purple eye shadow.
Q: My UCHIHA SASUKE has a fear for movies that involve dead people lying on the ground, but I love them! How can I show him the pleasure of being scared out of your pants during a good horror film?
A: First of all, be gentle with your UCHIHA SASUKE unit. He has had a rough childhood that includes (but is not limited to) having his own brother cut down his entire family in front of his eyes, then forcing him to become strong. It may not be a good idea to force him to watch any more Grudge-like movies. (Besides, he’s a ninja, and he’s probably done worse!)
Q: There are fangirls in my front yard, and most of them have their UZUMAKI NARUTO units with them! How can I get them to go away?!
A: Those are Rabid Yaoi Fangirls, and the only way you’re going to escape is through the woods. Distract them by screaming out that you see a HYUUGA NEJI or UCHIHA ITACHI unit two miles away, then make your getaway. Your UCHIHA SASUKE unit is a find ninja, and should be able to successfully hide you two in the woods until the fangirls are gone.
Troubleshooting:
Problem: Your UCHIHA SASUKE unit is not himself. He attempts to lick other boys a lot and keeps touching snakes. He has also taken to wearing your favorite sparkly purple eye shadow.
Solution: Your UCHIHA SASUKE unit has been possessed by an OROCHIMARU unit. Sadly, this problem is irreversible. We suggest you leave him be and try your luck with an UCHIHA ITACHI unit (one who is not vulnerable to OROCHIMARU units) next time.
Problem: Your UCHIHA SASUKE killed the next door neighbor’s UZUMAKI NARUTO unit by drugging the blond ninja’s ramen. Now he is miserable, going blind, and has three commas in his now permanently red eyes.
Solution: Try getting your neighbor another UZUMAKI NARUTO unit. There is a chance (a very slim chance) that he will be redeemed and feel not as miserable. As for his blindness, get a HARUNO SAKURA unit to heal them. The three commas in his eyes signify that your UCHIHA SASUKE has the Mangekyo Sharingan. Tell him to be happy with it, because he now has one of the most powerful bloodline abilities ever.
Problem: You asked specifically for a model with a Bloodline Ability that involves the eyes and constantly over-angsts. Instead of receiving a brooding, dark eyed UCHIHA SASUKE unit, you got a brooding white eyed unit.
Solution: Next time, be more specific that you wanted an UCHIHA SASUKE unit. You have received a HYUUGA NEJI unit, who, with proper care, can grow to be as much fun as an UCHIHA SASUKE unit.
Final Note:
With proper, loving care, your UCHIHA SASUKE will grow to be a fantastic avenger who can really show off his tush on the catwalk. In the end, after he manages to kill an UCHIHA ITACHI unit, he may develop a taste for lots of hot, wild sex with HARUNO SAKURA units, leaving you many adorable little Uchiha children, who will please you very much with their cute little faces, messy hair, and Sharingan eyes. Because he is a certified Bishonenİ, he will live to a ripe old age. It might be necessary to write out clearly in your will which of your children receive the UCHIHA SASUKE unit after your death.