Most people do not remember their first steps, but Sasuke does. It is not because he has a particularly amazing memory, but instead because he was nearly three years old when he first took them.
His parents and the doctor they took him to see never figured out why he took nearly three times as long as other children to learn how to walk, and to this day Sasuke doesn't know himself. It doesn't really matter though. What matters is that it happened and that he remembers it and will always remember it.
The important parts, the parts he remembers with such crystal clarity that it hurts, are the disappointment on his father's face, the worries on his mother's, and complete lack of interest on his brother's. But the memory of that helplessness-the memory of watching the world go by with such ease, the memory of trying to push himself off the floor using a door frame as leverage and failing stands out beyond all others. It is the kind of helplessness that will stay with him forever, that haunted him as a child and only continued to haunt him as he grew up with the memory of his parents' blood soaking the floor.
It is this memory, almost more than the desire for revenge, that drives him to be better, to be faster, stronger, smarter than all his peers- no, not just them. Everyone.
It's why he can be so cruel. Why he abandons his home country, his friends, his teachers. Why he taunts and mocks his opponents. Why he kills.
(when he has to)
Because he decided long ago, unconsciously and then consciously, that he would rather be the tormentor than the victim. Would rather commit murder and have the blood on his hands than be at the mercy of another. Because he has been there before, on his knees in front of his parents' bodies, on the ground with Kakashi's foot on his head, in Orochimaru's bed for his sick pleasure.
He's done with that now. He won't ever go there again. He still has the last shreds of his dignity.
(and if he goes down that road he isn't sure he'll be able to go back again.)
Uzumaki Naruto is merely a distraction. He has known that from the beginning, but every once and a while he has to remind himself that he cannot let this go on forever. He cannot let him get too close, to him or to Sakura, because he has a mission to accomplish and he knows that they'll only get in the way. He'll have to leave them-again-eventually, but for now he'll use them to his own advantage.
But months go by, and he still does not leave, despite having no real reason to stay. They have neither had any contact with Akatsuki nor any new information about their movements. All traveling with Naruto and Sakura has seemed to accomplish is severely pissing off their old country.
(this feeling is not exactly unrequited)
But for all his drive, in the end, Sasuke is not sure that he knows how to carry on in life after Itachi.
Chapter Seventeen-
Strangely enough, it is breathing that is the most difficult. His chest is cold, stone cold, and every breath is a struggle against the crushing sensation in his chest. Moving is out of the question. He doesn't know how long it's been but he thinks it's been a few days. Every once and a while Sakura will come and try to get him to eat, drink, or even talk to her, but Sasuke can't concentrate on her.
He is full of so many different emotions-grief, anger, sadness, hate-if only she would give him enough space and time to sort them all out, everything would be…would be…would…
No. Everything cannot be okay. It cannot be okay because his parents are dead, murdered by their home village that had segregated them from the rest of society, that had used his unbalanced older brother as their pawn. And to make matters worse, the ones who did it, the ones who planned it all out, the ones who had feared his family so much are all dead. They died before he could administer justice, administer his revenge, and now he doesn't know what to do.
"It's over," Sakura had said and she was right.
It is over. There is no one left but him who was involved. Except maybe the man who called himself Uchiha Madara, but Sasuke doesn't really think of him.
They are all dead. Every single one. It is over. It is so over it hurts.
To be honest, he thought he would be dead by the time it was over. He wouldn't have minded, really. Before Orochimaru, he thought that he would start a family, restart the Uchiha clan, a strangely frank thought for a child. But later he realized that it was an arrogant, infantile delusion, the product of a pathetic kid who thought he could bring his parents back. But he is older and wiser now and he knows that there is no going back. He is a homosexual and has spent too many years with Orochimaru to think that he could ever touch someone he didn't have a genuine attraction to.
He wants to do something, anything, anything that would make him feel better. Something that would make him feel important and still in control of his own destiny. But short of destroying Konoha, there's nothing he can do.
The notion does appeal to him. He hates his home country, hates how hypocritical they've become, or rather, always have been. He just didn't notice until now. He hates them for what they did to his family, what they did to Itachi, and as much as he doesn't want to admit it, that's not all he hates them for.
But Konoha is not just some evil faceless organization that he could have no qualms in destroying. They are also a village full of civilians who are just trying to get along. Konoha also has ninja like Rock Lee, who doesn't have an immoral bone in his body and is a far better man than Sasuke himself. He is not foolish enough to believe that he can decide the fate of an entire village of people simply because three unscrupulous council members and one cowardly Hokage thought it was in the village's best interest to murder an entire clan.
As much as he despises the Fire Country and all they stand for, Sakura is right. The people of Konoha are innocent of the murder of his family. There probably isn't even anyone else left alive there who knows the truth of what really happened that night more than twelve years ago.
He knows this, he knows it so well by now, but the rage inside him is almost overwhelming, paralyzes him with a kind of helplessness that he can't shake.
"I can't do this," Sakura says, a lifetime afterwards, "I just can't. I'm going to get Naruto."
Sasuke barely hears her, but just stares unseeingly at the moss covered cave wall with his good eye.
"I can't deal with this all by myself," she says, throwing stuff into her bag. If Sasuke was paying any attention at all, he would have noticed the desperation in her voice.
"You have to stay here. I'll leave you some food-please, please, eat something- and I'll be back soon, okay?"
Sasuke lets his uncovered eye shut and his head lull. He wishes she would stop talking. It's making his head hurt.
Her hands touch his face tentatively and he stiffens.
"Don't," he says hoarsely, voice rough.
"Just stop," he thinks, "Just leave me alone."
Her hands leave his face, "I'll be back," she says and then Sasuke is alone.
He is glad she's gone, because he needs solitude. He needs quiet and peace and time.
Because out of all the horrible things that have been made known to him, the worst thing of all is the realization that some part of him never wanted it to be over.
--
"I have to talk to you," Naruto says the next morning right after he's taken a shower.
He's managed to corner Tsuyu in the small room where they store various weapons before she can go train with Yugito for the day. He doesn't really want anyone else to overhear this. It's going to be the hardest to convince Tsuyu, but when it's over with the others will be a piece of cake.
She raises her eyebrows, looking up from a rusted kunai she is in vain trying to polish and Naruto continues, "I need to try again."
"Try what aga-" she starts, but then stops in mid-sentence.
She looks him over carefully and Naruto pushes his left hand further into his pocket.
"We've gone over this," she says tiredly, standing up straighter, "You're not ready."
Naruto slams his fist against the wall, a reaction to an emotion he wasn't aware he was feeling.
"You've been saying that ever since I was thirteen," he hisses, ready for a fight if necessary, "I'm nearly twenty, Tsuyu! It's been seven years and it's getting worse! I haven't gotten any better at controlling it and just a few weeks ago I-I killed-" He pauses, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and then another, "It's getting worse," he repeats, "I know you don't care how much damage I inflict, but I can't do this anymore. I can't even trust myself around…other people."
"It doesn't matter how you feel," she says in that tight, closed voice that means Naruto's somehow offended her, "I wish I could help you, I really do, but it doesn't change the fact that it's not going to work. You're not ready."
"And how the fuck do you know that?" he says, honestly offended and surprised at her complete lack of faith in him, "It's been nearly three years since the last time I tried and-"
"You're not ready!" she snaps, pushing past him towards the exit, "Now stop asking me about it!"
"What the hell?" Naruto yelps, turning around and following her out the door, down the hall, "This conversation isn't over yet!"
"It's over, Naruto!" she shouts, not even bothering to look back at him, "Just stop being such a over-persistent idiot for once in your life…"
Naruto charges down the hallway and into the already occupied kitchen, grabbing her shoulder and spinning her around.
"Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on?" he asks her loudly, ignoring Yugito's shocked look, "If you don't want to help me, just say so and I'll find someone else. You're being ridiculous, I'm not going to freak out like I did three years ago, so-"
"Yes, you are!" she cuts him off, her eyes angry slits, "You always have. It has been seven years Naruto and you always freak out. You're still so naïve," she says, splitting the word out like a curse, "You, with your high-standards and immobile moral compass, you'll never change. And if you never change, you'll never be able to control the Kyuubi. You have to let go of all that repressed anger and-"
"Hatred? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that part already," Naruto says, waving a hand dismissively at her, "You've told me that tons of times. The point is, I'm fine. See, look at me." He gestures to himself with both hands, "I'm completely hate-free!"
"You're a liar, Naruto," Tsuyu says, a strangely soft expression beginning to form on her face, "And you know it. You pretend to be all carefree and happy, but you're not fooling anyone. You're still so angry, and until you let go of that, you'll never be able to control the Kyuubi."
"What?" Naruto gapes at her, completely shocked at this sudden turn of events, "What are you even talking about?"
She reaches forward, lightening fast, and jerks him forward by the collar of his orange shirt, causing him to flinch.
"Don't. Lie." she hisses, so close that he can smell the miso soup on her breath, "You're different than the rest of us-no, don't even deny it. The rest of us all suffered the taunts, the beatings, the-the experiments, the torture. You had that nice Konoha life-"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Naruto snarls, anger coursing through his vein making his hands twitch with the urge to wrap them around Tsuyu's throat, "I didn't have the most fun childhood either!"
"Oh, poor baby," she coos, sarcasm dripping off of her words like poison, "Did they ignore you?"
"Shut up," Naruto says hoarsely, shoulders shaking, "Don't you dare-Shut up!"
"You had that cushy life," she continues, voice hard and unrelenting, "You had friends, people who actually cared about your wellbeing and they betrayed you!"
"That's not what happened!" Naruto says vehemently, probably more vehemently than he should have.
"Don't be naïve," she scoffs, turning her head the side slightly, "You know that's what happened, you've always known it, and that's why you can't let it go."
"Wha-" Naruto starts, utterly floored.
She turns her head back to look at him, blue eyes piercing, "The truth is you're the most bitter of us all, and until you get over it and stop living in the past, I can't help you."
She walks away then, out of the kitchen and down the hallway and Naruto stares at her back, unable to make a comeback or even say anything at all.
"There's miso soup in the pot," Yugito says quietly, startling him. He had forgotten she was even there.
She looks at him carefully and gets out of her chair. She puts her empty bowl by the sink and turns back toward him, an expression akin to pity on her face.
"She's right, you know," Yugito says softly.
Naruto swallows.
"You have to know that," she ventures, looking uncharacteristically cautious.
Naruto opens his mouth and then closes it, not knowing what to say.
She leaves as well then, leaving Naruto frozen in the middle of the kitchen, his heart pounding chaotically in his chest.
Unfortunately, he doesn't have time to process Yugito's words or even get breakfast because then Gaara is shouting something about an intruder and he has to go run and get his weapons.
"What's going on?" he asks breathlessly after climbing all the way to the top of the tree to the crow's nest.
"I saw someone running through the trees over there," Gaara says pointing northeast-ish, "Definitely a ninja."
"Just one?" Tsuyu asks, and Gaara nods in confirmation, "Any definitive markings?"
"They were pretty far away and wearing a cloak," Gaara replies, eyes narrowing as he continues to survey the area, "I'm guessing ANBU of some sort."
"Shit," Tsuyu mutters, "That means there are probably more of them."
"I'll check," Gaara says and closes his eyes, "Daisan no Me!"
Sand trickles out from the gourd on his back to form an eyeball floating in midair. Naruto winces. He always thought that this particular jutsu was creepy, but he's certainly not going to complain now.
With a twitch of his finger, Gaara sends his third eye whizzing off towards the northeast area of the forest and Naruto leans forward on the stone railing to see where it's gone.
It disappears from his sight after a few seconds and they all turn to Gaara.
"Nothing yet," he mutters, eyes closed in concentration, "Wait, I think I see him. He's-"
He pauses in mid-sentence.
"What?" Tsuyu says impatiently, wringing her hands, "Who is it?"
"It's that Konoha woman from a few months ago," he says, gritting his teeth and looking annoyed.
"What?" Yugito says, shocked, "I thought you said you killed her. I told you to check!"
"Who?" Naruto questions, "What happened?"
"We ran into her while we were in the Water Country," Gaara says, mouth curling in irritation, "We fought, and she threw herself off a cliff to get away, but not before I mortally wounded her."
"Well, obviously you didn't," Yugito says with thinly veiled anger, "Why the fuck is she here? Are you sure there's not more than one?"
"No, it's just her," Gaara says coolly, "I'll go and take care of he-"
"Woah, woah, woah," Naruto says, putting a hand out to stop him, "If she's the only one, it could be just a coincidence."
"She's heading right towards us," Gaara says and Tsuyu gives him an annoyed look.
Naruto grits his teeth and resists the urge to snap at her.
"Well, she still could just be lost or something," he says hopefully, "I mean, it is a big forest. We're well hidden. Even if she is looking for us, it isn't very likely that she'll actually find us."
"So you'd just let her go?" Tsuyu asks scathingly, "Is that your solution for everything? Just pretending it doesn't exist?"
"It's better than just indiscriminatingly killing people," Naruto shoots back.
Tsuyu is so full of shit, he thinks furiously. There's no way that he has bottled up rage inside him and she doesn't.
"You'd better decide fast, 'cause she's coming right at us," Gaara says emotionlessly, but his eyes dart back and forth between them.
"I think I see her," Yugito says, and Naruto tears his eyes away from Tsuyu and they all look down to where a small cloaked figure is jumping in and out of sight far below.
"Just you try and come here," Yugito snarls, her canines beginning to lengthen and he eyes starting to change color, "This time I'll definitely kill that pink-haired bitch."
"Wait," Naruto says, turning to look at her, "What?"
--
Sakura has no idea where she's going; all she knows is that she has to get there quickly. Every minute she stops to rest is a minute Sasuke could be deciding to do something irreversible. She has to get to Naruto as fast as possible because he can fix this. She isn't sure why she believes so strongly that he even can, but he's her only hope; she doesn't have a choice.
She's been running for almost forty-eights hours straight now, only breaking to eat and drink. Her chakra is running dangerously low and her vision is starting to get blurry, but she has no choice but to continue.
She's reached the geographic area that Naruto described, but the forest is huge and she's completely lost. She had absolutely no plan when she decided to do this and as a result she's been wandering around since dawn and only finds something when it's nearly noon.
She hears a screech and looks up. A large brilliant red phoenix circles over her head and comes down to land on a low hanging branch of a tree in front of her.
"Anything?" she asks her summoned animal hoarsely.
"Nothing," Yoku replies and draws one sleek wing over her beak, "No structures of any kind or signs of human life at all."
Sakura lets out an exaggerated groan and leans her forehead against the trunk of a sapling, relishing the feeling of its smooth still-green bark against her brow.
Yoku had always been her best reconnaissance bird, ever since she first signed the contract with the Vermillion Bird. Tsunade-sama had wanted her to sign a contract with her Slug, but Sakura had wanted a more offensive animal.
"You're a mess," Yoku says flying over to perch on a branch right above her head, "Why don't you rest awhile or at least summon Chou to carry you. He's certainly big enough."
Sakura lets out a coughing laugh, "Chou hasn't talked to me since I left Konoha," she says, her voice slightly muffled by her mouth's proximity to the sapling, "I would summon Yanagi, but I summoned her just a few days ago for a huge battle and she's probably still recovering. Besides, I don't have enough chakra left."
She pushes herself back into a standing position and wobbles forward into a clearing, Yoku trailing behind her worriedly. Sakura's circumventing a large porous rock pinnacle in the center when she hears a yell.
She whips around, right hand finding the handle of her wakizashi, but there's no one but Yoku on her left, right, or behind her.
Wait a second…
She looks up and sees a blur of orange speeding towards the ground.
"Sakura-chan!" Naruto yells hitting the ground with a loud thump, "What the hell are you doing here?"
"We've got probl-" she starts exhaustedly, taking off her mask, but then two women land several meters behind him.
She recognizes Nii Yugito from their encounter several mouths ago, but the other jinchuuriki's name escapes her. She's pretty sure she's the Nanabi, but for the life of her, she can't remember her name.
"You know her?" Nii asks, sounding scandalized.
"Naruto, what's going on?" the Nanabi asks, looking over her scarred face warily, "You're hanging out with humans now?"
Naruto's expression turns sour, but he ignores both of their questions and steps closer to her, peering into her face worriedly, "Sakura-chan," he says gently, "What happened? Where's-?"
"It's Sasuke," Sakura says, exhaustion making her jaw feel like lead, "He-He killed Itachi-"
"Wait, wait, wait," the Nanabi says, "Uchiha Itachi?"
Sakura does not even have the energy to spare her an irritated look.
"Let's just say…" Sakura says, laughing weakly, "that he's not taking it well."
"How-What happened?" Naruto gawks, hair all over the place, looking like he just woke up.
"Just," Sakura says, swaying a bit, "He's not…you need to come and talk to him so he won't-"
"Wait, you've been hanging around with Uchiha Sasuke and her?" Nii cuts in, "What the hell were you thinking, Naru-"
"Excuse me," Sakura snarls, interrupting her with harsh, cutting words, "I was talking."
"And who are you?" the Nanabi cuts in.
"Haruno Sakura," Sakura says viciously, and by the looks on their faces, she can tell that the jinchuuriki has obviously heard of her, "But I wasn't talking to you."
"Sakura-chan…" Naruto says pleadingly.
"We've got to go," she says, turning towards him and ignoring his unspoken request, "I had to leave him there and it's already been two days…we have to go."
"Yeah, right," Nii says fiercely, stepping forward, "You think you're going to just walk out of he-"
"Enough!" Naruto says loudly, throwing out his left hand to hold her back from advancing any further, "God, Yugito, just let me handle this!"
"Oh, because you're so adapt at," she starts cruelly, but then pauses, looking down at his left, disfigured hand.
"Naruto…" Nii says in astonishment, "How-"
"Your hand," the Nanabi croaks, "Who-"
"It's-It's nothing," Naruto says, seemingly embarrassed. He shoves his left hand back into his pocket, "It's nothing."
"Naruto," Sakura says urgently, "We should..."
"I know," he says seriously and swallows.
Naruto turns toward the Nanabi. He opens his mouth again, but then seems to think better of it. A look passes between them, something profound and potentially dynamic-changing, but Sakura does not know what it means.
"Naruto," the brown-haired woman says in horror, "You're-"
"I have to," he says, almost sadly, "I'll be back soon, though. I promise."
Naruto looks towards her and squares his shoulders, his face taking on a determined expression.
"Alright," he says steadily, "I'm ready."
Sakura's vision goes hazy, "Yoku," she says to her winged familiar politely, "Can you lead us out of the fore-"
But before she can finish her sentence, she crumples to the ground in a dead faint.
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Chapter end notes: Ugh, I'm so sorry, I started this chapter in June, but then I decided to participate in the sn_exchange and that took literally forever and messed my whole schedule up. I'm sorry that this is a bit of a filler chapter; I would have tried to make it longer, but I just wanted to get something out before I start school again, because I'm not sure how much time I'll have to write then. (Though somehow I always seem to get more done during the school year, lol)
Anyway, many thanks to my beta, Sleeping Soundly, for beta-ing this. (And also actually starting to write stuff of her own. Yes, I'm looking at you, Sleepy.) Please review!