Youko stood silently in front of the memorial , idly tapping her fingers on her thigh. Kurou had finally gotten his “day off”, a whole week of them. Too bad it was because of Taichi’s falling off that building. Stupid. But he was ok, and the medics said he’d be ready to get back on the road in two days. Youko wished they were out on the road already. This forced idleness had only given her time to brood on the unhappiness that had risen after they’d killed the bandits.
She sighed and shook her head, trying to clear out her doubts. They’d been horrible people; they’d killed, looted, tortured and raped the helpless villagers they’d attacked. She knew that. They deserved to die for their crimes. She knew that as well. But being the executioner, even from a distance-maybe that was part of it, she realized. Killing them from a distance, giving them no chance to fight. How did that make her any different than them?
A whisper of sound alerted her to another’s presence, and she turned to find the Hokage standing beside her, staring gravely down at the monument. “Lord Hokage.” she murmured, surprised.
“Youko.” He smiled at her, his handsome face dappled by tree shadows.
Youko struggled to hide her doubts, but she got the impression that the Hokage could look straight through her and read her heart like a book. Flushing, she looked down at her toes, wondering what he thought of her. Did her doubts make her less of a ninja?
The Hokage smiled again and leaned casually against the tree. “It’s hard, isn’t it? I remember the first time I killed someone, back when I was genin. You wonder if you should have done something else, or if killing that person makes you a bad person.”
Youko stared in astonishment at him, finding it impossible to imagine the strong, adult Hokage as a young boy. And he, too, had doubted…
“I have no answers for you, Youko, except this: You do what you are ordered to. You do what you have to, to protect this village and its people. Your teachers, your friends, your family. You might someday have to do worse, at my command. Only you can decide how that makes you feel. The path of a ninja is a difficult and sometimes cruel one. It takes a very special person to be able to walk it and remain a good person.”
Youko struggled with herself a moment then burst out “I don’t understand, Lord Hokage! Why do I feel so…so bad? They deserved to die, for what they’ve done, but…”
Hokage turned and smiled at her. “You should feel bad. You killed them, you took away their lives. If you feel nothing for that, then you have lost your soul. That pain is a good thing, because it keeps you from becoming a monster.”
He sighed. “It hurts less, in time. I can promise you that. You are very young, and you have not had time to learn to balance the pain in your heart. But it’s something that you must learn, to continue walking this path. You are a weapon in my hands, a weapon of the village. You are trained for this. You must be willing to strike at my command, without fear, hatred or anger. There is no room for those emotions in the life of a Shinobi. A weapon does not hate. You are not a monster, only a weapon.”
Youko absorbed this silently, feeling it take hold in her heart. “Yes, Lord Hokage. I think…I think I understand now.”
It still hurt, but she knew he was right. In time, the pain would lessen. She would be a weapon for the Village Hidden in the Leaves.
...............
Youko stood before the Hokage, her head bowed and her hands clasped over her stomach. The Hokage, surrounded by his advisors, sat on his chair looking at her thoughtfully. The bright afternoon sunlight streamed through the windows, slashing the floor with bars of molten gold.
After a long moment of silence, the Hokage leaned forward, bracing himself on his elbows. “Why do you ask this, Youko? Revenge?”
Youko licked her dry lips and shook her head impatiently, wishing she knew how to describe the tangled roots of emotion that had led to this request.
“Some, my Lord Hokage. Of course, I wish revenge. However, I am fully aware that I am no where near able to kill him. And..that’s not really the reason…” she paused, struggling to find a way to make him understand. “I…I need to see him die, Lord Hokage. I need to see him dead, to make the nightmares go away. To feel that I have not failed my teammates or my sensei. To know that he’s not a threat to the village anymore, that he won’t kill any more of my friends…” she stopped, aware that her voice had risen passionately. She fought with herself a moment, and when she felt her control was firmer, raised her head to look at the Hokage directly in the eyes. “I swear to you, Lord Hokage, that I will remain withdrawn from the fight. I entertain no stupid notions of revenging them personally-I wouldn’t survive a moment. I just need..I just need…” She felt tears pricking her eyes and took a deep breathe, trying to keep them behind her eyes. “Closure, Lord Hokage. I need to know that it’s ended.”
The Hokage studied her silently for another long moment, and Youko struggled to keep her eyes from dropping under his scrutiny. It sounded rather lame, said out loud, but there was nothing lame about her emotions.
Finally, the Hokage nodded once. “I see it is important to you. As long as you swear to remain out of the fight, no matter what, I will allow you to accompany them to face Talnata.”
Youko bit back a sigh of relief and bowed deeply to the Hokage.
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Chapter notes: I don't own Naruto.