StarsOfYaoi: I had this shot bottled up for a lot of time, and now I am proud to state I am able to post it. Please, enjoy.
Be aware that some parts won’t be understood until the end of the shot.
Inspiration for the shot comes from Rurutia’s songs Hallelujah, Neo, Lost Butterfly and Itoshigo yo.
……………………………………………
Rating: T
Summary: (ItaNaru, one sided SasuNaru) Because you can’t demand something without accepting to lose something in exchange. Sasuke wanted his family. He couldn’t have love, as well.
Warnings: as usual for my fics, male x male pairings. Painful decisions, confusing paragraphs for a lot of it, and angst and depression.
Disclaimer: sue me, bitch. I don’t own Naruto and never will. So shoo. Let me mourn in peace.
“Talking”
‘Thinking’
–Flashbacks, memories, dreams–
……………………………………………
Shards of Life
One–Shot
:.:.:.:
What would you do
For another chance?
Would your life be better?
Would it be shattered again?
:.:.:.:
Rain.
Rumbling. A thunder.
Lightening, and more rain.
Falling like there was no tomorrow, like by falling it could drown everything away.
Pounding out of the window, the world outside losing its sharpness in the middle of the storm, the cold seeping inside the room like poisoned mist.
Cold, as if the storm was not enough, blindness to the pandemonium outside.
The storm raged outside, and inside, another kind of chaos marred the calm –as if it had never been there before.
Thunder.
Darkness outside, and the smell of rain.
Silence inside, and the smell of lies and broken trust.
The figure was huddled in a corner, breathing ragged. His hands clutching almost desperately onto the scroll, now without being able to see it anymore…
Another thunder resounded in the air.
Unreal, the ragged breathing continued, the hands wrapped around the scroll unclenched, allowing it to slip out of their grip.
Almost completely blind eyes moved away and shifted, unseeing, in front of him. On his lips, the wet feeling of the rain outside.
The wind clashed against the window. Another thunder.
A lightening flashed in the room, faint sudden light that was just as soon gone.
Shifting for the first time, the figure stood up shakily, face completely emotionless and set, uncaring, empty –void.
He’d long since lost interest for what happened around him.
He’d long since stopped caring.
The thunder echoed again.
The void expanded, curling around him.
His frame was thin, covered only by dark haori and dark Hakama, hair falling limply all over his shoulders, reminder of how he’d long since stopped caring for himself, too.
A strong complexion, toned but not overdoing the thinness… and his hands, almost frail–looking but in reality able to disintegrate a wall. Maybe not anymore.
He’d long since stopped training, too.
What could be the point, as he was slowly losing the concept of what reality was? Lost in the darkness where he belonged.
Too far into it to care.
Far too gone.
The thunder resounded again.
Almost mocking him.
Eyes swirling in and out of control, an useless power, an useless ability lost within the darkness it had called upon him, both a curse and a blessing (red melting into charcoal and back to red again, only to start spinning and changing and turning black again, without control, without restraints).
Pupils grasping on something around him before the same cloud of grey covered the world around him again, and everything blurred into the same nothingness.
So hard… to see.
Shallow breaths, heart thumping in his brain, overwhelming the sound of the storm outside.
The wind slashed against the wall and the window, but the figure did not move. Standing there, almost as if… waiting.
But the waiting ended.
At his feet, the scroll was abandoned, opened and ruined, crumbled and tattered, smudged figures barely recognizable in the middle of the old, crumpled rice paper.
So old.
So precious.
His safety blanket…
Raven hair falling limply in front of his eyes, he did not pull it away, as the feeling of it brushing against his face was the last thing that could allow him to grip on reality –everything else had long since faded into the black void.
He could no longer feel, or see.
His skin was cold.
The thunder roared in the sky outside the house once more.
:.:.:.:
Has nobody told you
Something that’s lost
Can’t be gained again?
Not even words are enough
To forgive and forget.
:.:.:.:
One hand moved upwards, lifting as if its weight was unlike any other, with a slowness that felt like devotion and barely contained need.
Lips parted, white teeth biting down hard on a thumb, crimson blood pooling down, trailing down the back of his hand and disappearing with a thin line inside his sleeve.
Carefully, not even looking, he traced the word fire on the back of his other hand, the trace slightly uncertain as he could not see it in the darkness that curled around him, the world he could no longer see.
Breath itching in his throat.
And the thunder grumbled again.
A shuddering breath. Sounds of heartbeat and steps drawing near.
Blind eyes closing themselves.
He had nothing, turning his back too many times (ignoring words spoken with care and warm blue eyes that still haunted him even in the dark –painfully overwhelming his defences).
Many hours spent on anger and rage and helplessness, trying to see and read and understand and remember, knowing his life mattered nothing now.
Knowing nothing mattered anymore.
Laughing and dreaming and smiling and hoping. Smiles and affection, and shared promises…
Everything felt fake with this new way opened in front of him like a blossoming flower’s petals. Offering him something he would not refuse… luring him with carefully spoken words.
His hands were cold, his lips were cold, his skin felt cold, and the blood trickling down his hands felt colder.
The thunder echoed in the sky again.
The storm would continue, on and on, forever.
:.:.:.:
How does it feel?
Unspoken words linger
No matter what you say
They never disappear.
:.:.:.:
Nightmares and illusions in his mind.
Darkness around him.
The only thing that felt real, was his blood, now dried on his skin.
The blood and the scroll.
More real than anything else had ever felt before (not even warm and loving lips against his own, not anymore).
Footsteps stopped and a presence was felt in the same room.
The sound of another thunder, much stronger, much more invading, and his skin prickled.
His fingers clasped around each other, smearing some more dried blood.
The silence was thick. The other figure would not speak.
Watching… something he could no longer do.
Crimson eyes turned out of control again, spinning with a power he would never be able to use again.
And pain and thunders and rain and silence (memory of himself crying out –against everyone, his family, himself, furniture smashing under his fists, breaking bones, bleeding, unable to cope with this new disability… not even aware of comforting arms around his frame).
How long had he lived in this mangled darkness?
How many days spent in building despair?
Bitter and burning inside him.
Flapping its wings in hatred.
Against everyone (‘don’t pity me I don’t need your pity I don’t need you looking at me like this I don’t need anyone’) against everything…
When had his eyes lost their shine, when had the fog covered his sight?
He could not remember…
Even the faces of those he held dear vanishing from his memory like leaves in the wind.
:.:.:.:
How does it feel
Everything blurring away…
But it’s your fault
If your own mind can’t remember…
:.:.:.:
Fingers unclasped as the wind slashed against the window.
The presence ignored since it would not deter him.
Nothing could anymore –not his gone sight, lost for his useless power
Not the arms that held him close… accepting him
Not the feelings that made his heart hurt
Not the warmth…
Not words of warning… because he didn’t care.
He would not be wrong, he would not do wrong… in his last and only chance. Leaving behind everything he knew.
Throwing away all he’d gained (forgetting words of love, protection offered and shared, touches, kisses and smiles… everything away, as if it didn’t matter).
His everything had always been in the past…
There was nothing left in there that could balance the offer of another chance… not even his arms, not even his love, not even his dreams, conceded without a doubt.
“Sasuke…”
The voice spoke, but to him it felt empty… distant. Useless.
His hands finally started moving, words leaving his lips in a hushed tone, unheard in the rain and in the sounds of thunders, but deafening in the silence of the room.
“Sasuke…”
“Uma, Tora, Hitsuji, No, Mi, Tori, Saru, Tora, Mi, Ushi, No, Saru, U, Inu, No, Inu, Tora, Hebi–”
He kept on, knowing the seals by memory, reminder of the many days spent trying to decipher the scroll (every word result of many sleepless hours, eyesight blurred to nothingness).
“Sasuke…”
“–I, Tatsu, U, Tora, Saru, Mi, No, Saru, Tatsu, Tori, Ushi–”
He’d never stopped wishing. He had never stopped hoping and dreaming and regretting, and hating… yearning when nights were cold and he laid in the darkness, clutching his chest in pain.
He’d never stopped wishing, when warm arms encircled his frame, chasing away the cold.
Because he could feel no warmth.
“–Saru, No, Tatsu, Hitsuji, Mi, Tora, Saru, Tatsu, U, Ushi, No, Tora, No–”
Not without guilt.
Not without pain.
Not without regret.
:.:.:.:
I’ve got your love
Close in my arms
But something else is what I want
Illusions hiding away from here…
:.:.:.:
“Sasuke, why?”
The chanting stopped.
A thunder rattled outside…
And the rain continued to fall.
Eyes moved, unseeing, knowing where the figure speaking was.
The person he’d wanted at his side. The person he had allowed to own his heart… and the person that had never really owned it.
He had longed to see beautiful ocean eyes in the last months, when his world was spinning from sharp to blurred, and the fog slowly curling around his sight, until nothing was clear anymore.
And the voice, the loved voice, calling for him.
As voices where the only thing Sasuke had left.
And his voice was trembling, shattered, broken. Holding such pain inside, so strong Sasuke felt his heart clench… for a moment.
“Naruto… my Naruto…”
And happiness laced his voice… happiness that had never been there before.
Not when Naruto had embraced him…
Not when he’d been given love.
Not when he’d tasted the sweet, soft lips of his blonde lover, not when he’d made love to him, in nights were darkness wasn’t scary and cold…
“Why?” and it was quiet… so quiet.
Broken.
“I thought I was enough… I thought you loved me back…” choked on his sobs, his Naruto’s voice faltered.
Sasuke could almost feel the tears in the other’s eyes.
Because Naruto would never understand.
“I love you Naruto… I’ve always loved you” he whispered back. His hands frozen in place.
Eyes unseeing, frozen in his lover’s direction.
Footsteps drowned by the rain pouring even harder now, and the presence in front of him… warmth radiating towards his cold, uncaring frame.
One hand lifted to brush at his cheek. Holding so much love…
Soft touch.
“Sasuke… you’re giving up on us, on what we have, burning our everything…” ‘for this’.
Sasuke could feel the tears falling from Naruto’s eyes. could feel his quiet sobs filling the air.
Gripping on his last certainty, on his hope –for it was everything he had left.
His grip on sanity.
“But you can’t be them” he murmured.
His family.
His clan.
Sasuke smiled.
He had never smiled before. Not real smiles… not for Naruto. Never for Naruto, nor for anyone else.
That was what hurt the most.
“You’ve already chosen” Naruto hiccupped. “And it’s not us…”
:.:.:.:
Accept my love
But do not hope
Because my heart
Will never be fully yours.
:.:.:.:
“I will see you again…” another smile, and Naruto sobbed harder.
“I won’t…” he cried –but he did not stop him.
Because Naruto would always put the others’ happiness before his. Sasuke knew.
Goodbye.
Fingers traced the last seal
Lips parted for the last words
The thunder rumbled harder.
And nothing remained.
––––––
Everything was alive around him. Everything looked the same, everything was different. People stared. He stared back. Eyes opened to the world, his frame running through the streets, horrified and empty at the sight.
Words left his mouth, high–pitched, loud, unwanted…
Tears left his eyes, mourning…
Insanity gripped at his heart.
Broken…
But the world continued, moving on… and so did he.
––––––
Sasuke watched.
Yes, watched –with eyes that had yet to withhold their lethal power, that had yet to start showing signs of their curse and weakness.
That had yet to mature.
Hands pressed against his chest as pain flared into him, pain not like any other before… deep. Seething. Missing.
And relief.
‘I did it…’
Unprepared for the wave of deep pain that hit him, and not concerning what he gained but what he lost, as if something was crying (betrayal) against him.
Eyes looked around. Observed… enjoyed the sight. Seeing again the world, seeing again the village. Seeing again his loved ones.
Those who held his heart, soul, mind and sanity.
Seeing again the colours. Seeing again the sharp contrast of someone’s face.
“Sasuke–chan, come inside, you’ll miss your lunch!”
And turning around and seeing her, wonderful black hair and warm smile and bright eyes… a person he had loved a person he had seen dead a person he had cried for during his nights…
Sasuke smiled back like he had never done after the massacre.
Like he had never stopped doing now.
Before the massacre.
“Yes mom!” he called back happily, moving his five–year–old body towards a ghost of a past that had never really happened. Not now. Not yet.
‘Never’ was his promise.
The reason he’d dropped Naruto away. And their love.
And the reason why he was happy now, instead of regretful.
Because Naruto had been nothing but a replacement, empty, fake and useless one. Because Naruto was something he had used to fill the void –but Naruto had not been enough to.
Because Naruto was not enough. Not enough to fill such enormous void.
After all, no one could compare to family.
Nothing.
:.:.:.:
Has nobody told you
You shouldn’t take love for granted?
Being deprived
Is like dying from the inside.
:.:.:.:
And he saw him, the one who held his pain and his sanity in his hands.
The one his nightmares and dreams had always been filled of… the one whose eyes haunted Sasuke every day.
The one whose coldness had ended the clan; the one he had offered admiration first, then love, then hatred and rage.
Smiling down at him with the eyes of an eleven year old, and Sasuke simply smiled back.
He would not ruin the chance.
He would not break the only chance he had, to change the past, his present, his future.
His why.
His because.
His everything.
And he smiled and sweetly chirped his brother’s name with admiration and love, all the while feeling his own heart swell in his chest (five years old again, with the mind of an eighteen–year–old male whose life had ended too soon) because he saw the darkness and he wanted to move away from it.
“Onii–san!” he yelled.
And his mind convulsed inside. Because he felt sick just by seeing him.
––––––
It would be different. He was different, things had changed. He could not let his past affect him forever, since he already knew what to expect, what to evade, what to ask for and what to work towards to.
Changed, broken, his heart aching so strongly in his chest that sometimes, in the long afternoons spent watching and breathing and looking at nothing, he wondered if he was broken beyond repair.
Wondering why everything had happened like this, why he had been forced into a direction he hadn’t wanted. Why he was still living, after all the pain.
Missing a heartbeat with every word uttered to him by people he’d seen die in front of him.
Missing the smiled and the warmth because he knew what was underneath the underneath… and he didn’t like it.
He’d changed.
After all, something that is broken sometimes can’t be repaired…
And like many others, he wanted to care for himself.
Thunders echoed strongly in the air.
––––––
At nights, after a day spent in training himself viciously, getting used to his body again, Sasuke’s thoughts turned to Naruto. Somehow, they always did, whether he liked it or not.
When his body would be so tired after hours of doing basic things that wouldn’t have required any effort in his previous (negated future) life, he would be too tired to fend off his thoughts.
To ignore the guilt gnawing at his insides. Painfully.
And his face came into his thoughts, followed by the cracking of thunder.
He preferred not to think about anything that was not his brother, his revenge, his new chance, but the images couldn’t be stopped.
Wouldn’t be stopped.
For a brief, fluttering moment, he would think at the smiling teen, the warm smile he’d always reserved to him and him alone.
And his arms, carefully wrapped around his frame –holding, protecting, caressing, accepting, loving.
He could remember what Naruto had given to him (his heart his soul his mind his body his innocence his love his acceptance his care his dreams his everything) without never asking anything in exchange, but then again, it was Naruto’s fault.
Sasuke kept telling himself he owed nothing to Naruto.
He had never asked Naruto to give himself away.
But he had a new chance… and maybe after having saved his clan, his family, he would have another chance with Naruto, too.
Talk to him equally since the start. Be friends with him, moving slow and sure steps towards the love that had sustained him when the other end had been insanity. See those blue eyes again, and not see them filled with pain.
After all, this Naruto was new. He could start from a scratch, without fearing of evil snakes, of leaving the village, of murders and organizations and pain. This Naruto didn’t know of the Valley of End.
This Naruto didn’t know Sasuke had chosen his family over him. This Naruto didn’t know the pain of losing him. This Naruto was a new chance, as well. A chance like the one he had about his family.
Because this Naruto was not the Naruto he knew.
And Sasuke was good at convincing himself he had not betrayed Naruto.
So he would stay up at night, much like he’d done before, eyes squinting in another type of darkness only to find his thoughts being too heavy for him to accept.
And he stilled in the darkness.
He could feel the thunder rattling in his mind again.
:.:.:.:
Holding a glow-worm in your hands
its light still bright
but fading away in front of you,
warm feelings that you remember knowing,
you’re trying to forget –but can’t.
:.:.:.:
Sasuke had known that for a five year old like him, trying to stop Itachi would be useless. Itachi was a genius. A prodigy.
But Sasuke was one too. He always worked hard, even if he didn’t manage at first time like his brother could… but Sasuke continued nonetheless.
He trained himself, reading books and running, and practicing, not resting, and spending some time with his parents because they were there and they were alive and he had missed them so much.
And when their father stared with contempt at him, wishing to have two geniuses, Sasuke smiled and showed him his own hard work. And his father nodded at him.
And when the people stared at the family and admired them, and saw his efforts and praised them, Sasuke would nod and train himself more. And they would notice.
And when his brother would talk to him, and flicker his forehead, Sasuke would smile and laugh and pout and protest (because he had been an actor all his life) and when alone he would throw up in disgust, his insides clenching painfully because of the touch, and he would spit away the bad taste and train and hate.
Even though in this time nothing had happened, yet. Even though Itachi’s hands were not of a kin–slayer, but simply of a murderer’s, like Sasuke’s had been, like every shinobi’s were.
Itachi, through all of this, continued his life. And Sasuke watched. Observed. And acted like the little brother he had been, still was, would still be.
Because he would not reach Itachi’s level, but it would be enough to stop Shisui from going towards his death, in that faithful day.
Because he could warn Shisui off, and then he would warn the rest of the Uchiha, and show them that Itachi was not reliable.
And his clan would know and they would be ready.
And Sasuke would be the cause of Itachi’s downfall.
––––––
How different were the eyes of those around him, how even relationships changed with the right turn of a finger.
Accepting and crying every night with no one to console him, thinking of a past that wasn’t future and never would be again… lost in the depths of a mind that cared nothing and had cared too much all the same.
And he moved on, because that’s what everyone would have wanted. And he moved on because this time it was different and he wouldn’t be hindered. And he moved on, because he had a goal and he wanted to…
“Move out of the way!”
Glaring. Eyes as cold as ice. Hatred…
“Go away!”
And hands on him, hurting. Some things never change.
“Die!”
And a different voice. Just as empty as his own was, just like a rehearsal of life that was going wrong.
“What’s happening here?”
Two pair of eyes met. For the first time. Not for the first time. Changed.
Stared at with curiosity that was so strange…
With another chance to save.
“I am…”
“I know”.
The thunder rumbled in his heart.
––––––
“Welcome everyone” the same start for the same long, useless speech.
Sarutobi–sama, Sandaime Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato, stood before them, crowd of children that would eventually become an army of killers. His eyes were filled with pride and warmth, and Sasuke nodded to him.
Ghost of a past where wrong choices had brought the man down. Ghost of a past that had never happened. Ghost of a future that would be avoided.
He had admired him, being sad for the loss of someone who had cared. But now, this man had another chance as well.
Sasuke stared. Charcoal eyes looming over the crowd before he could stop himself.
He saw the Nara, yawning and muttering he didn’t want to be a ninja (when years to come would mould him into a fighter, the loss of his sensei bringing him to become what he wouldn’t have wanted to).
He saw the Hyuuga, hiding behind her father, blushing and cowering from the crowd (when in the future she would hold her own, part of a team that gave her courage).
He saw others, and unconsciously his eyes searched the crowd. Passing over faces he knew, faces he had never cared to know, faces he had forgot.
In search of blue eyes and blond hair. Of the smile that had warmed him even if not enough.
Where was Naruto?
For a fleeting moment, the thunders seemed to disappear from his heart as Sasuke ached to see him, his smile, his face, hearing in his mind whatever words of love the blonde had always reserved to him and him alone and–
Sasuke’s eyes met his father’s.
A dark stain in a faceless crowd. There because he’d been asked to. There because it was expected. There because (his brother had showed the same hollow, empty care) he had to.
And Naruto disappeared from his mind and his care.
Memories of corpses without life. Eyes open to never see again. Sasuke’s heart tightened again. his family had always been more important.
Naruto would have to wait. Some more, again, until they were safe. Sasuke knew he didn’t have to worry. Naruto had never failed him before.
:.:.:.:
You betrayed once
And were betrayed.
You betrayed again
And again you were betrayed–
Endless circle of doom.
:.:.:.:
Though, it felt strange.
Not caring this time, if his brother smiled at him, faking and acting and smiling back.
Not caring whether Itachi showed up and waved him off.
Not caring whether he could not train him.
But changes were evident. Things were different.
There were still smiles.
There were still words, holding strange affection, strange care (and Sasuke had to fight so hard so his anger would not show, anger coiling in his insides, burning like molten lava).
In preparation for the supreme act of betrayal and death, as Sasuke waited, his brother didn’t waver. His mask didn’t fall. The cold wind was still blowing, and Sasuke could only watch.
Itachi was still loved, their father looking at him with pride, though this time Sasuke was stared at with the same caring eyes (demanding more and more and more from him as payment for being his second child, wanting another genius, another prodigy, another weapon).
Caring eyes that were not caring but it was everything he’d ever received and it was the same, what he had always wished for, desired, wanted, hoped, yearned.
And Sasuke ignored the demanding tones. This was just how it should have been… unless for a murder whose eyes were still holding nothing for him to read.
Itachi still smiled, and the smile didn’t feel strained (but it hadn’t back then either, and Sasuke was too lost in his hatred to spend useless time pondering over smiles and words).
Itachi was often out, not coming back at night, away all day, and Sasuke could see it as what it was –attempt to be away from his family. Another way to cope with something he had never realized existed when he had been the same age, the previous time.
Where his family would look expectantly at him, asking every day more, and Itachi couldn’t but give, and now that Sasuke was just as promising, he had to do the same.
Realizing what his family, what his father, what his clan was asking was too much out of him.
Realizing for the first time what had taken Itachi to the point of killing his family… what has driven him away.
Realizing they were never satisfied, and would keep on asking. Keep on demanding. Like hoards of grasshoppers eating away everything in their way, and still moving on, demanding for more.
And Sasuke could see it. Itachi wanted to be free like the Sasuke of the other life had been, just like Sasuke had wanted to be what his brother still was.
But the hatred was still there, and the burning need for revenge…
And Sasuke accepted the need, accepted the requests, accepted everything because to him family was the most important thing and he still had to have his revenge over a family that had not been killed yet.
Because in this life, his hatred and revenge that were useless… to him felt like the only grip he had on sanity.
‘And I will get what I want, and I will finally find my place’.
Training. Bearing the pain in his heart. And plotting until nothing was left… and all the time, ignoring the voice in his mind calling out for Naruto.
As Naruto was never at the academy when Sasuke looked (and he never looked enough, too lost in his revenge, of a stronger and weaker kind all the same).
As Sasuke never feared. Never cared. For the part of his soul he abandoned for his revenge.
Naruto had never being important enough.
‘After all… he tried to evade classes all the time… I will worry about him later, much later’ and by deluding himself he did not care, Sasuke had stopped caring.
Even though in his sleep, the thunder continued roaring outside of a cold room.
––––––
His life had changed forever. With a meeting, with soft words spoken from someone whose life was slowly turning into darkness, to someone whose life had never left the darkness, sharing pain, sharing doubt, sharing what was left of their souls.
Slowly mending, slowly healing.
Slowly starting to forget, to accept, to realize…
The changes made him happy… as for once he was caring for himself, as he had finally found someone like him, in the person that had caused so much pain to him. Directly, indirectly.
Eyes that looked at him and saw him for what he was.
Eyes that he could look into and see who was hiding behind them at the same time.
And he changed, and he forgot, and he forgave.
Because he’d started to see it was for the better…
And the thunders slowly started to disappear.
––––––
Until that day came.
Years spent training, ignoring the life he once had, as for him once was enough, and trained with all his strength. His goal clear in his mind.
And the day came where his efforts would be repaid.
Sweat running down his temples, afraid of screwing up again, knowing he wouldn’t have another go at it. Knowing he had sacrificed too much to be able to survive. Walking towards the only person his new future depended on.
The sun shining and almost mocking him. The warmth on his child’s skin comforting as he moved, searching for the man he wanted to save.
His plan was finally starting, after years of preparation, years where he had stopped anything that wasn’t training, years where the only thing that made him accept Itachi was his acting.
The hope he would see him dead.
The hope his faults would finally be punished.
The day his anguish could finally disappear… and he would then have a wonderful life, with Naruto. And his family.
“Shisui nii–chan!”
What will I say?
What will I do?
It’s my time now, it’s the moment I’ve been waiting so long.
The time for my revenge.
The time to move on.
And black eyes turned towards him, a smile gracing his lips with the kind expression people used on children, and Sasuke nodded.
He would save him.
He would save his clan.
He would be the one.
:.:.:.:
To grab hope
With both arms
And realize you can live
Or realize you have to die.
:.:.:.:
And he heard the thunder play inside his head, when things seemed to move out of his grasp.
The sound of shattering silence and rain and memories
“Itachi already spoke to me” and words coming out of Shisui’s mouth were alien to him.
Unreal.
“Stop playing like a kid… you should be more like your brother”.
And Sasuke felt his body freeze in the cold hands of a sensation he could not say the name of, for something was wrong, and he could not understand.
And without being able to understand, days passed and
Nothing happened.
Itachi was still there
Shisui was still alive
His family and his clan were still living.
Sasuke felt for the first time, something threaten to swallow him. In his mind, the thunders continued rumbling.
That night, Sasuke feared. Feared because he could not avoid something that he didn’t know when it could happen.
Feared because his brother was a killer and he would surely kill everyone. And he couldn’t understand and he could be one too.
And when day came, when nothing had happened, when his family was still there, he feared again.
And then, the following night, just the same (thunders echoing in the back of his mind like forgotten noises) and then afterwards, until there was nothing but fear.
Every night he feared for his clan, wondering if this would be the night… fearing now he could not predict his brother’s moves anymore.
Not basing on something that had once happened. Not caring of his plans and his decisions… and he could not understand.
And as dark eyes were open in the dark, fearing and wondering and thinking, his heart hoped.
He could not believe his brother could change (his heart still revolting in disgust when he flickered his forehead, thankfully rarely as Itachi was always away) he could not believe, because nothing had happened.
Nothing had really changed, so why?
And his mind could not come up with an answer.
––––––
And he got away. Away from everything, watching from the distance, without thinking, without hoping, distancing himself from what his life had been before, not caring anymore.
He continued moving on, making friends, embracing softly the words people would send his way, knowing this time who he had to be close to, and who he had not… changing his way of living and finally returning to smile.
So long since he’d stopped smiling, so long, but now he was gaining back his will and his heart and the soul that had been so rudely ripped from him.
As something that is broken sometimes cannot be repaired… but it can be filled with something else…
Something broken can be useful if skilled hands can mend. If skilled hands can heal. If words and love shared can create a whole new miracle –a pandemonium shaking the earth.
Thunders couldn’t be heard. Not anymore.
––––––
And his sanity slowly rattled away in despair, not bearing his presence anymore, not bearing the requests of perfection, not bearing the looks, and not bearing the dread for something that should have happened, should have been prevented, and he had failed to find.
Only one person could have helped, Sasuke’s heart was now calling his name strongly, crying and begging to be heard.
The one person he had once rejected, the one person he had taken from all the love he could, without giving himself back in exchange.
Naruto would help.
Naruto would never change, because Naruto was Naruto, and right now with his world falling in front of his eyes, he needed Naruto again.
Finally deciding he had to see him. He had to talk. He had to get this love back.
He needed to take from him that love that had helped him so much, because even if his family was still there, there was a void he wanted to fill.
So desperately wanted to fill.
And Sasuke searched through the village, for the blond head and blue eyes and for the mischievous grin Naruto would reserve to everyone, he searched and asked, and looked for the pranks he knew Naruto would do.
And nothing was there.
There were no pranks to the villagers. There were no mentions of him in class. No angered Iruka to scold him, no children to laugh at him, nothing.
Naruto was not there…
And rain started to fall. Real rain, not unlike the one in his heart, not unlike the remembrance of a storm that was still present in his mind. And rain poured on his head as he searched around, his heart aching.
Aching so badly during the days and nights and forever aching.
Because he wanted to hate Itachi, he hated Itachi, but now he had no reason to.
Because he wanted the unwanted love Naruto had offered him, asking nothing back for himself, and Sasuke ached for it.
Because he was slowly cracking under the pressure.
Three months since that day, three months of anguish and pain and fear and waiting… and three months he’d wanted Naruto there.
Because maybe…
Maybe his family was safe. Maybe he had changed something, without being able to know what.
And the sight of his brother was still filling him of hatred… even though he wanted so desperately to believe and care and love again.
But the person he had loved, the person he still loved, he could not find.
Naruto was not there.
:.:.:.:
Showing a flame
Watching moths fly by
In the dark, burning their wings
They trusted too much
Entranced by an offer of light.
:.:.:.:
And slowly Sasuke started to see the truth.
Weeks passed and his brother was not there anymore –their father now demanding on Sasuke to fill the role.
And Sasuke could not bear the weight alone (feeling now he could understand how it should have been for Itachi to bear it, and how it had been easier before when they had to share), could not bear the stares alone. The hunger.
Could not bear the expectations.
The glares.
Why can’t you be more like Itachi?
Why can’t you be perfect, too?
And he was alone. Still alone, just like before. Loneliness eating away his heart even with the family he had always wanted.
Wishing for Naruto to be there, to take the loneliness away like he had done before. Naruto had never been alone, always making friends.
Naruto had never really suffered, the Uchiha knew this. Because Naruto had always smiled (ignoring the pain hidden in blue eyes, ignoring a night that had never happened, ignoring his faults, ignoring the hatred towards the blonde, ignoring, ignoring, ignoring… because he didn’t want to see. No one could have suffered more than he himself had).
Naruto had always smiled.
Sasuke had his family but now he wanted Naruto, too. The only one who could help.
:.:.:.:
The truth is in front of you
Your eyes too blind to see it
What you left was what you wanted
All along, and now you have nothing.
:.:.:.:
Rain.
Thunder, lightening.
More rain.
Falling from the sky like there was no tomorrow.
Winds clashing against the windows, the world outside blurred into nothingness, and the cold slowly slipped inside the room, curling around his fingers.
Cold. He felt cold, and this was too familiar to him to be good.
Thunders rumbled in the air. And in his heart.
Too similar. Of a terrifying similarity, and his heart clenched.
Cold outside, and the smell of rain.
Cold inside, and the smell of uncertainty and despair.
The wind slammed against the window, as if wanting to fight against him. Sasuke stared, lost in the void that was slowly getting stronger.
He had never accepted. He had never settled down.
He’d thought that by going back, the void would disappear. but the void was still there, just as painful as ever…
Another thunder.
A lightening flashed in the room.
Light that soon was gone, the room vanishing into darkness again.
The void expanded, curling around him.
The thunder echoed again.
A shuddering breath. Sounds of heartbeat and steps drawing near.
Just like…
Sasuke closed his eyes. faintly feeling the world spin around him, feeling like in an illusion. Wishing for it to disappear.
Cold seeping into him.
A body that sudden didn’t feel his own. Too young.
And at the same time too old.
Unreal, and he bit down on his thumb, feeling the blood run down his arm and down his sleeve. It felt real.
It felt the only thing that was still real.
Cold.
And the thunder rumbled again.
The door opened. Footsteps drawing near.
And the voice.
“Sasuke…”
The voice spoke, but to him it felt empty… distant. Useless.
Dark eyes opened in shock, spinning crimson melting into dark as his bloodline was revealed again, triggered by his voice and his presence and the shock.
And he was just… there.
Ocean eyes and blond hair, just like before, just like always… just like Naruto was…
And Sasuke felt the need to move, to break this heavy silence and this heavy tenseness in the air and ignore and remove the thunders away in the rain.
Younger.
When before he had been eighteen, a young man with strength and trained body, now he was eight just like him. The same tanned skin, but surrounded by child’s appearance, premise and promise of what he would become clear in his stance.
The same Naruto, a much younger Naruto, a different Naruto.
Since he had never met him before, not here, not now.
Sasuke stepped forwards without knowing it, the need to have the other in his arms so strong it hurt –realizing only now, with rain pouring outside and the thunders echoing everywhere, that he’d always needed Naruto.
That he was still a part of him, just like he was before.
That he could not go on without him…
And Sasuke knew he had been stupid… because he’d left Naruto without showing him his love, that he’d asked and asked and asked without returning anything.
And that he could start again… with this Naruto and his family, he would start again.
And everything would be different.
He would have both.
It took him only another glance to notice dark clothes where orange was.
It took him only another glance to notice he was not smiling.
It took him only another glance to notice the hurt and the pain flashing in deep blue orbs.
This Naruto… this Naruto was different. This Naruto was not the Naruto he had known… where was the smiling blond he’d fallen in love for?
Panic stabbed at his heart.
This Naruto was…
This Naruto was…
He didn’t know this Naruto yet. What had happened?
Where was his Naruto?
Sasuke felt his heart clench (as he somehow knew that his smiles were lost forever. To him).
“Naruto…”
:.:.:.:
Have you realized it yet?
For everything you gain
Something else gets lost
And dreams shatter
And nothing remains.
:.:.:.:
“Naruto!”
His Sharingan spinning in pools of blood, as he stared. Stared at ocean eyes that were staring back.
He wanted to move, move and stare and hug but he didn’t dare because he still couldn’t know Naruto… then why was he there?
Why was he staring at him?
Why such pain in his orbs?
How could he know his name if…
“You left me” in a whisper. Low enough not to be heard, loud enough to shatter the silence.
Sasuke’s world stopped there. Thunders rumbled faintly in the distance.
“You chose something that was gone instead of something you had… because it mattered nothing to you… I meant nothing” hands lifted up, holding nothing but air.
Words stabbing at his heart, making Sasuke stumble backwards.
Harsh, cold words, spoke by a younger Naruto whose eyes were those of a man. Children body with an adult’s mind… pain of the future mingled with pain of the past.
‘No… no… no…’ Sasuke’s mind was crying. Denial.
A thunder crashed against his world, shattering the reality he believed into.
“I did not stop you… because I always knew your family would be more important… that you telling me you loved me was nothing but a lie”.
Sasuke fell on the floor, his knees too weak to keep him up. Words that had not to be spoken. Words that should have not be spoken by someone who shouldn’t have…
“No… you’re not…”
“But guess what… you forced me back, too… I was too near, I was too near and you forced me back”.
There was such emptiness in Naruto’s voice, the voice of an eighteen year man who had been broken, whose heart had been reduced to nothing. Whose eyes had seen death. whose mind had known pain that he shouldn’t have known.
Naruto smiled, and Sasuke felt tears burn in his eyes.
“No!”
Cold and empty and the smile was all for him.
Thunders exploded outside, their noise shattering Sasuke’s ears.
Only one thought amongst the deafening noise –It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
“And I cried and cried and cried until I thought I had no more tears” and Naruto continued on, speaking and Sasuke felt something cold grab his heart and twist, clench and nail at it.
Widened eyes, spinning in blood.
He didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to see. He didn’t want to–
“But guess what…”
Still smiling like a broken doll. Sasuke could not stand that smile.
“No! it’s a lie!” his own voice he could not hear. His own voice that sounded broken and empty and… false.
A voice that was too young for such old pain.
His cries were drowned away in the thunders, and Naruto smiled again.
“It hurt so much, like nothing ever had… knowing I offered you everything I had, and you renounced… to try and have another possibility, not even sure if it would work, but still you didn’t even look back… as I meant nothing”.
The smile was empty and Sasuke felt the pain rattle into his chest.
“Because you never cared about anything else… because you were not supposed to, because you drowned away what was left of yourself where I could not reach”.
Sasuke shook his head, not wanting to hear, not wanting to keep on listening… but he could not stop him. Frozen there, dying inside.
“And when I wanted to die I found I couldn’t because of you… because you took me back. And I knew I was cursed to go through all of it again, and I didn’t want the pain again…” the smile wavered in its emptiness.
Everything blurred away as the Uchiha lowered his head to the floor. Defeated. And still words overwhelmed the thunders. He had to listen.
The rainstorm raged outside.
And the cold reached his heart. finally holding him close.
“And now I will thank you” Sasuke’s eyes flashed with fear and regret and pain and he stared upwards, meeting blue orbs… and Naruto’s voice turned warmer.
He stared.
“Because you forced me to see the truth of my idiocy, because you forced me to accept that I cared too much, that I offered too much –that I had cared too much for everyone, but cared nothing for myself”.
Sasuke grabbed his chest with his hands, feeling it bleed from the inside –because Naruto was smiling and the smile was nothing he’d seen before.
It was cold, it was warm, it was everything Naruto had never been and everything Naruto had been. A smile that meant everything and nothing, a smile that showed him of the changes –and this smile was not for him.
“Because it’s all thanks to you that I saved myself this time around. Instead of saving you”.
Thunders shattered his thoughts.
:.:.:.:
Open your eyes
Feel the pain
One dream is gone
Only nightmares remain.
:.:.:.:
And as he stared and stared and felt his heart break under the pressure the door opened.
Footsteps he recognized. A shape he had seen too many times.
Staring in shock –spinning wheels of blood in his eyes– as his brother entered the room. Charcoal eyes locking with blue ones.
Blue eyes filled with something Sasuke had seen only directed at him…
Blue eyes filled with something Sasuke had never understood until now.
Blue eyes filled with something Sasuke had never returned. Never bothered to return. Never wanted to.
“Naruto–kun… I thought you were waiting for me in the dojo…” Itachi murmured. His low voice winning against the thunders that echoed outside. Inside. Real and fake thunders… blurring together into unbearable noise.
That voice he hated
And dark eyes saw him.
“Otouto… so I see you met my teammate” words that had no sense.
That voice Sasuke had hated with all his heart when nothing had been enough, when darkness was too thick for him to see… when dreams had been shattered by nightmares…
That voice that brought Sasuke to his knees once again, that voice that told him he was not enough, that voice that forced him to see…
That voice
Where words were not even listened, as just the voice was enough. Nothing made sense anymore.
“Sorry, but I wanted to meet the brother you always speak about” Naruto smiled.
Smiled at Itachi.
Not at him.
“Ah, sou ka… but we have to go now, our mission is about to start…”
That voice…
Naruto nodded, turning his head towards Sasuke, whose eyes had never left he two.
“It’s been a pleasure to know you, Sasuke” Naruto intertwined his fingers with Itachi’s, and the raven haired teen allowed himself a small smile, returning the gesture.
And Sasuke could only stare.
Words that were deaf to his ears. Gestures that were unseen by his eyes. refusing to understand refusing to accept refusing to–
“Naruto…” his voice did not leave his lips. His lips did not move.
He could not move. ‘Do not leave… please…’
Frozen solid. Deaf and blind and lonely and the darkness circled around him.
Naruto…?
Thunders exploded outside.
:.:.:.:
Last of your dreams
A nightmare
For what you gained
Is not enough for your pain to go…
:.:.:.:
Itachi left the room, and Naruto’s presence lingered for a moment, blue eyes observing the figure of someone he had once loved, someone he had once given to everything he had including his own soul, someone that had renounced to him without thinking back–
Someone he could no longer feel anything for.
Someone who had renounced to him twice. Someone who had forced him to see the truth –that he had to change or he would be broken over and over again.
Someone who had never looked for him. Someone he’d given countless chances but that had never took one.
Someone that could have been healed but that had wanted to remain broken.
Following his lost love back to where he was still nothing, to where he had yet to win his loved ones’ hearts, leaving behind all he had cared for, his life, his dreams, his everything.
Losing all he’d known. Losing his everything…
Knowing Sasuke had never tried to reach for him.
First was depression –he’d wanted to die.
Then it had been the pain –like anything had been before.
Then it had been rejection –because insanity had almost killed him.
Then it had been realization and acceptation –he had never meant something for his love.
Then he had given up.
Given up on his old self for the first and last time because there was nothing left for him –that Naruto had died away. That Naruto had died when five year old child’s eyes had opened to the world again.
That Naruto had died with no one who cared.
He’d given up on his own self that was no more, training, entering the academy years before and leaving it earlier, asking for missions and showing what he could really do
And meeting with–
And understanding what he’d never had before, seeing the world with its true dimmed colours. Never hiding the truth from his own eyes anymore.
Meeting with Itachi. An Itachi that was young. Worshipped where he was hated.
And Itachi had been a person.
Not a monster… not a demon. Someone like him, someone slowly drowning away. Slowly disappearing to never return.
He had been someone.
He had been…
He still was. Naruto still was. Itachi still was. and he had seen this and he had cried because he finally understood what he had never wanted to.
And Naruto had accepted.
Sharing pains and sharing understanding. Stepping forwards and intertwining his life with Itachi’s, because he’d seen something in him that had been dead before (when he’d met him, much older, without anything but darkness and void).
And as his life changed and he gained his precious people’s love again… their care, their love, their support.
Naruto had realized he was happier, happier than he’d ever been before, when he had cared too much for everyone, hiding what he really was behind fake smiles and fake care.
He was stronger now, his innocence lost in a future that would never happen, and still everyone loved him. Everyone saw in him a Naruto worthy to be loved.
Because he still cared. But this time he cared for himself as well.
Sasuke had never seen that.
Naruto hadn’t seen it either, would never have… if not for Sasuke. If not for the revenge.
He had to thank Sasuke. He had to thank him forever. But he also had to let go. The last act before he could move forwards again.
:.:.:.:
Have you realized it yet?
To grab your wish
One you can have
You can’t take them both.
:.:.:.:
The world was blurred in Sasuke’s sight, his mind unable to work under the pressure, unbearable pressure forced on him.
The ice was cracking.
And Naruto’s voice spoke again.
“Why are you crying?”
And the voice held pain that was ebbing away. And the voice showed him the void.
Because there were tears in his eyes. tears down his cheeks. But he could not see Naruto in his pain. Reduced to nothing.
“You had what you wanted… you chose your family, and now you have it… aren’t you happy?”
The door closed behind him, presence gone from the room, gone from the house, gone from his life.
Forever.
Outside, the rain stormed against the window.
Thunders echoed in the rain.
“Aren’t you happy?”
He was alone.
He’d given his soul away for a chance to have his family again.
“Aren’t you happy?”
Sasuke’s eyes widened.
He’d lost his love because of a family that was not worth saving.
Sasuke’s body started to tremble.
He’d given years of his life for a cause that was lost. He had lost his love, and the one he hated had picked up the pieces. Holding him closer than Sasuke ever had. Reaching to where Sasuke had never looked at.
Sasuke’s lips parted.
“Aren’t you happy?”
The thunders were too strong.
Naruto didn’t love him.
Naruto was gone.
And he’d lost everything, and all of this had been thanks to him.
And the cries were drowned away by the thunders. And the tears were lost in the rain. And the despair swallowed his reality.
And no one bothered to listen to the piercing cries that were shattering the silence.
“Aren’t you happy?”
:.:.:.:
Wanting too much
Will make you lose everything
Lost words hidden away
Never to be found again.
:.:.:.:
Owari
……………………………………………
StarsOfYaoi: in case it was not clear. Sasuke went back to the past. But Naruto, because he was near him when he performed the jutsu, was too. Heart broken by his love, he found another one whom to give his soul to.
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