Iruka’s breath hitched as he pushed his back against the large, thick trunk of a tree. Can’t get caught. Gotta get away. He tried to slow his panting breaths down so that the sound of his quick breathing wouldn’t give him away to his pursuer. He felt a bundle of nervous excitement building up in his stomach as he pressed his back against the bark and crouched down at the foot of the tree. So this is what a mission feels like, he thought. Just like Mom and Dad go on. I can’t give myself away. I have to stay hidden or else-
It was too late! He was trapped in the shadow of his hunter.
“Found you,” the silver-haired boy said, grinning under his mask.
Iruka frowned at him.
“You always find me too fast! When I’m it, I take forever…”
He tried not to let his pout show. Kakashi held onto his triumphant look until Iruka noticed something moving at his feet behind the tall grass. Kakashi quickly stepped to the side, as if trying to cover something up, but Iruka was too fast for him. The eight-year-old jerked the grass aside with one hand to reveal…Pak-kun. He gaped slightly and then turned angrily to Kakashi with fire burning in his eyes.
“You…CHEATED!”
Kakashi smiled crookedly and immediately sped away, laughing.
“I don’t need Pak-kun to smell you!”
The younger boy raced after him, furious.
“Hey! Get back here!”
He didn’t catch up with the nine-year-old until they had made it back into the residential part of the village. Kakashi was still laughing between gasping breaths, Pak-kun sitting lazily at his feet. Iruka gave him a glare as he caught up but hid a small smirk that had come from enjoying the chase.
“I don’t smell,” he informed him, “You’re the one who sleeps with dogs.”
Kakashi and Pak-kun both frowned.
“And what’s wrong with that?” the pug challenged, showing Iruka a glimpse of small white teeth to encourage the appropriate answer.
“Nothing,” Iruka muttered, “Are you going home, Kakashi-kun?”
“Not yet,” the older boy replied, “Sensei said he’d meet me at Ichiraku. He said you could come too.”
The remains of Iruka’s frown vanished and were replaced by a grin.
“All right! Ramen!”
He sped off towards the small restaurant, leaving Kakashi and Pak-kun staring blankly after him.
“Where did that energy come from?” the exhausted boy asked the dog.
A huff was all he received in reply.
Kakashi and Pak-kun joined Iruka and Sensei at the ramen restaurant. The masked boy sat down and greeted them before deciding what he wanted for lunch. His guardian grinned at him as he watched Kakashi squeeze the soft and bouncy paw pad Pak-kun had offered him. Once everyone’s food had arrived, the Yellow Flash began explaining the reason for this meeting.
“Kakashi-kun, tomorrow, we’re setting out on the first A-rank mission we’ve had in a while.”
Kakashi looked up from his bowl in interest. An A-rank mission! It really had been a long time. Most ninja children Kakashi’s age had never even dreamed of going on such a high-ranking mission so early, but Kakashi had already been on two. These missions were always extremely dangerous, even scary sometimes. There were more risks involved…and often a lot of killing.
Sensei’s expression remained serious, but he put a reassuring hand on his ward’s shoulder.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be going on this one with you. It’ll be a breeze.”
“I’m not scared,” Kakashi told him, calmly taking another sip of ramen as if to support this fact.
Why did Sensei look so concerned?
He knows I can take care of myself, the chuunin thought. He shouldn’t act all worried about me.
“Of course you’re not,” the blonde man agreed, giving the chuunin’s hair an affectionate ruffle.
He turned back to his ramen and resumed his own slurping. Kakashi stared down into his bowl and saw his vague reflection in the broth. He really was still just a kid. His face was small and rounded. There was nothing mature in his features, except maybe his eyes, which stared down at the soup coldly the way only an adult could.
“Hey, Kakashi,” Iruka said, grinning up from his bowl once the last noodle had slipped past his lips, “Let’s play ninja tag next.”
“Okay,” Kakashi agreed, allowing his mood to lift a little.
“You boys don’t stay out too late. I want you back by sunset so you can get a good night’s sleep before tomorrow. Okay, Kakashi?”
“Yes, Sensei.”
The Yellow Flash paid for the food and headed home as the two young ninja returned to the training grounds. Kakashi walked a little slower than his friend, eyes watching the road beneath his feet. An A-rank mission. I wonder how it’ll be. His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden tap on the shoulder.
“You’re it first!” Iruka yelled before speeding away and bounding up into the trees.
The chuunin smirked.
“You’re going to be sorry you said that!” he yelled after him.
He chased the younger boy through the branches and caught up easily. After he had tagged Iruka, he spun around and fled, the laughter of his friend echoing behind him. Kakashi smirked beneath his mask. There was nothing else to think about while playing the game except having fun. It was a relief to get the heavier thoughts off of his mind and just enjoy himself for a while, the way children his age were supposed to. Once the brown-haired boy got frustrated from his lack of success, Kakashi slowed down – just a little.
Sunset came inevitably. Kakashi and Iruka walked home and stopped in front of Sensei’s house as the sky reddened behind them.
“I’ll see you when you get back from your mission,” Iruka said, giving his friend’s shoulder a pat, “Good luck!”
“Thanks,” Kakashi said, turning towards the house, “I’ll see you when I get back. Goodnight, Iruka.”
He waved as the younger boy headed down the street back towards his own house. When he couldn’t see him anymore, Kakashi let his hand drop and went inside.
The next morning, not long after the sun had risen, Kakashi and the Yellow Flash walked through Konoha’s gates out into the forest. Sensei carried a large backpack full of supplies while Kakashi carried a slightly smaller one with extra weapons and other various necessities. They met up with two other shinobi who had been assigned to their cell. One was tall and had blonde hair like Sensei. The other was a bit shorter and had dark brown hair that he kept pushed back behind his ears. The Yellow Flash and Kakashi greeted them; then, together, the four bounded through the trees, headed in the direction of the Mist.
Kakashi kept up with his sensei easily, though the blonde man tried to maintain a slow pace so the nine-year-old ninja wouldn’t get tired. Their other two teammates exchanged looks, but acted like they didn’t care if the team traveled slower. The group stopped for a break only once to rest and take a soldier pill to keep from getting hungry. Then, they were off again, traveling until they finally arrived at their destination right as the sun began to slip away into the west. The night would give them the cover they needed for the infiltration.
Kakashi peeked at the campsite before them through the leaves of the tree he sat in. It wasn’t too impressive, but the guards did seem well armed. There was a solid defense around the commander’s quarters. Small tents covered the clearing along the edges, housing many wary soldiers. Kakashi could sense the chakra of a few ninja as well. There weren’t many of them, but their chakra levels were all above average. The small shinobi worried that his team would be short too many ninja to complete this mission. His sensei was far more confident.
“I’ll take the frontal attack,” he told his team, “Kakashi, you cover me from behind, and you two spread out to the sides to take the soldiers who will be coming in from the outside tents.”
All three nodded and did as their leader commanded. Kakashi could feel the wind whip against his face as he rushed forward, silver hair sweeping behind him. He pulled out a kunai and held it before him, preparing himself for an encounter with the first enemy.
A cry of alarm sounded throughout the camp, as the guards realized they were being attacked. Kakashi found himself locked in battle with one of the well-trained shinobi protecting the outside tents. His sensei had run off ahead of him to continue to the commander’s tent. The boy had no time to think of him. His enemy was attempting to disarm him by knocking the kunai out of his hand. Kakashi dropped the weapon purposefully, letting his opponent believe he had succeeded, but at the same time, his free hand reached back and gripped the hilt of his chakra blade. With one swift movement, the chuunin unsheathed it and brought it down on his attacker’s shoulder, sending blood splattering. The red liquid drenched his own clothes as Kakashi embedded the blade into the man’s heart before he had time to recover from the first blow.
There wasn’t time for rest on the battlefield. Kakashi would never admit to being tired, but chuunin or not, he still had the body of a nine-year-old. He panted heavily, as he charged for the next assailant, who was running back at him at matching speed. Just before they collided, Kakashi leapt aside and ranked the man’s ribs with his kunai. This guard, not even a shinobi, fell quickly with another swift blow. Kakashi could feel this man’s blood splatter onto him too, mixing with the blood of the first. His hands felt sticky with it now, but he had to ignore it as another attacker came for him.
Kakashi’s new opponent was more skilled than the others had been. He attacked the chuunin with a fire jutsu that forced Kakashi to dodge quickly to the side, unscathed except for a burn on the shoulder that had been the last to make it out of the jutsu’s path. The boy winced in pain, but raised his arms to form his own hand seal. His opponent saw one Kakashi become three and held out his kunai readily, prepared to bring down the real one. The chuunin rushed forward with his clones, closing in on the man from the front and the sides. The shinobi’s hand dove for his leg holster, and he immediately threw a shuriken at each clone, but hit only two. The third Kakashi had disappeared. Only a moment passed as the man looked around for the boy wildly before suddenly, Kakashi burst up from the ground beneath him. He held his chakra blade before him and swiped upwards, killing the man instantly.
The nine-year-old wiped away the sweat that was dripping down his forehead and mixing with the blood of his defeated foes before glancing around the campsite. It seemed like most of the guards had fled or were lying on the ground, clearly defeated. There was no sign of his teammates anywhere, not even Sensei. Kakashi rushed to the commander’s tent where he knew the blonde man had gone, but it was empty. Puzzled and uneasy, he walked back onto the battlefield, only to brace himself for an attack at the first sense of enemy chakra. The guard leapt at him from behind and dodged Kakashi’s chakra blade as he swung it in defense. Kakashi tried to evade the flurry of kunai and shuriken that followed, but one hit his arm, leaving a deep gash. The silver-haired boy grunted and countered quickly with a genjutsu that was meant to make the man feel like he was being bound tighter and tighter by thin barbed wire. Kakashi wasn’t too skilled as a genjutsu user, though, and his opponent broke out of it easily.
Kakashi was exhausted by now, and even though he hadn’t thought he’d used that much chakra, he felt drained. He held out his chakra blade defensively as the shinobi came at him. Taijutsu might be his only chance, but Kakashi was still too small to be very strong physically without a chakra boost. His chakra blade seemed to be getting shorter and was flashing in spurts of light. Kakashi’s opponent grinned confidently, but the chuunin wasn’t ready to give up. He lunged at the larger man and swung his weakening chakra blade. The shinobi dodged it easily, but had to guard against the round of shuriken Kakashi threw at him next. Only one sharp star embedded itself in his opponent’s side. The boy punched him in the stomach, but the man just grunted and smirked slightly.
“Your pathetic punches don’t hurt me, little boy.”
Kakashi glared at him, fighting back the anger that might make him attack without thinking first. Using all his strength, Kakashi fell to the ground and swung his small legs towards the man’s ankles, knocking his opponent down. Taken by surprise by the boy’s sudden show of power, the man was unprepared to avoid the group of kunai Kakashi threw at him to keep him down until the chuunin could leap at him with the nearly depleted chakra blade. One swift slash and it was over.
Kakashi fell to his knees, all energy gone with the last of his chakra. His world was looking a bit fuzzy in the darkness, but Kakashi fought for consciousness. He couldn’t pass out here, in the middle of the battlefield so far from home. He had to find Sensei.
The night was eerily quiet in the still camp. Kakashi felt alone among the corpses, and though he believed he was too brave to admit it, the chuunin was scared. There was still no sign of Sensei or his other teammates anywhere. What if something had happened to them? What if they-
“Sensei!” Kakashi cried out into the darkness.
There was no answer. The chuunin’s chest rose and fell more rapidly with each panting breath. He could still feel the awful stickiness of his enemies’ blood all over his clothes and skin. Even his silver hair was stained with patches of crimson. Kakashi tried to wipe it away with the palm of his hand, but only ended up spreading it further. His eyes darted around the camp desperately, scanning over the dead bodies in the hope of finding a familiar person standing there. Or at least someone alive.
The chuunin suppressed an involuntary whimper as he trudged around the bodies, still looking for his guardian. He made it to the edge of the campsite and searched from there, but there was nothing. His nose was filled with the scent of blood and freshly dead corpses. He wanted to wash the stench away with the foreign blood that covered him.
The silver-haired boy slunk into the forest and hid himself behind a clump of trees, among the brush. It felt a bit safer here, away from the lifeless stares of the dead bodies. Kakashi almost felt like he was playing hide-and-seek with Iruka, but he wasn’t sure what he was hiding from. All he really wanted was to be found. The chuunin shivered as a cold breeze blew over him and peeked through the bushes back in the direction of the battlefield. Sensei, where are you? I want to go home.
It was during those moments of hiding that Kakashi realized how afraid he really was. Afraid of everything- of dying, of being alone, of killing. Wasn’t killing what a ninja was supposed to do? When the mission called for it, it had to be done, no matter who the target was. Kakashi had learned this at the academy. He had learned that a ninja was supposed to take orders and not question them. He had also learned that a ninja was supposed to show no fear or emotion towards the assignment. He had completed his mission successfully, so why was he feeling so uneasy? Was he sorry he had taken the lives of strangers?
They attacked me, Kakashi thought, I had to defend myself, or I’d be dead. But Kakashi realized it hadn’t been the camp guards who had originally attacked him. He had been part of the invading squad. His team had started the fighting. Each side had fought for its own purpose, the guards to protect their camp and Kakashi to complete a mission. Somehow it wasn’t enough of a justification for him, but he was afraid to question it further.
Kakashi waited alone in the dark, hoping his strength would recover soon so he could resume his search for Sensei. He can’t be dead…No one can beat him, he thought, remembering what Iruka always told him. His mind drifted back to his friend, waiting for him in the village. Iruka would probably wait for him at the tree outside the academy for a while after classes let out tomorrow, hoping that Kakashi had already come home from his mission. Kakashi wished he were there instead of this place that smelled overwhelmingly of blood and death.
The gash on his arm and burn on his shoulder stung as the chuunin leaned back against a large tree, eyes blinking sleepily. He couldn’t be patient any longer. Running his thumb over the deep cut, he prepared to summon the Ninken. They arrived with a cloud of smoke in the middle of his hiding spot, tails wagging. The nindogs yipped happily in greeting once they realized there was no danger near and therefore no need to keep silent. It made Kakashi feel better to know that all of the enemies were really gone. A few nindogs nuzzled the exhausted chuunin before he whispered their command.
“Go find Sensei…”
Then, with the last of his energy gone, Kakashi’s eyes began to close, the image of the running nindogs fading into blackness.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
It was like living that night all over again. It felt like it had been a nightmare while it was happening, and now, it finally was. Kakashi made his way into his home after a long day of training with Sensei and called out a greeting. He was met with an unusual silence. His father always came to meet him at the door when he got back from training. He walked down the cold wooden floor of the long hallway, calling out for him.
“Otousan?”
Still no answer. He called again, louder.
“Otousan! Are you here?”
He pushed back the sliding door that led to his father’s room. The silver-haired boy was met by more silence as he stood in the doorway, staring at the still figure lying on the ground. The room was dark, and he couldn’t see clearly. He opened the door a little wider, allowing more light in. He could see the figure more clearly now. Slowly, he took a few cautious steps into the room, wondering why his father was lying on the floor. One more step soaked his foot in warm liquid that hadn’t had time to cool yet. Kakashi trembled.
“OTOUSAN!”
Kakashi jumped as he felt a large hand place itself reassuringly on his shoulder. The chuunin stopped shaking in his sleep and opened his eyes widely. The Yellow Flash’s familiar face smiled back at him. Kakashi’s nindogs sat beside him, tails wagging as they looked at their small master anxiously.
“Are you okay, Kakashi-kun?”
“Sensei…”
The chuunin was suddenly overcome by the pack of Ninken that jumped to lick his face. He petted each on the head, thanked them for finding his sensei, and finally dismissed them. The blonde man was giving him a guilty look.
“I’m sorry I left you alone on the battlefield,” he told him, “The commander’s group tried to escape in secret during the battle, and I ended up chasing them for a good while. They put up a good fight once I caught up with them too. They were quite a handful, even for me.”
Kakashi looked up at his guardian with dull eyes. The images from the battle were still fresh in his mind, as was his nightmare. He cast his gaze back down to the ground.
“Our teammates – they’re dead, aren’t they?” he asked quietly.
Sensei gave a sigh and stared down at the same spot with blue eyes full of regret.
“There were more guards stationed at the outer sides of the camp than we previously thought. Our teammates fought well to keep them from interfering with our fights in the middle of the camp, but they – they didn’t make it out.”
He said that last part a little more softly than the rest. Kakashi clenched his fists more tightly. Then they would be going home alone. The shinobi that had accompanied them here would not be returning with them. They died for their mission. Kakashi thought back to his father, lying in the pool of blood in the middle of his room, a dagger still weakly held in his pale motionless hands. The ninja that wouldn’t let his teammates die on their mission and instead had died because of them. The thoughts sent chills down Kakashi’s spine. The way of the shinobi…It kills so many people.
“Kakashi,” Sensei said before pouring some of the water from his cask onto a bandage and wiping away the dried blood from his student’s forehead, “Are you sure you’re okay? This was a difficult mission, and I could understand if you were-”
“I’m fine,” Kakashi snapped suddenly, pushing his sensei’s hand away.
As much as he wanted the blood gone, he wouldn’t be fussed over.
“No,” the Yellow Flash replied, “I don’t think you are. What’s wrong, Kakashi?”
“Nothing,” the chuunin insisted, “I don’t need you to treat me like a little kid. I’m not afraid.”
“You were shaking when I got here.”
“It was cold.”
“You were crying out for your father.”
Kakashi’s eyes flashed up at him defensively and met the blonde man’s with a cold stare. The Yellow Flash only looked sympathetic. He wanted to help his student, but part of him wasn’t sure how. He remembered his first large battle, when as a young boy, the time he had realized that he wasn’t just following orders – he was taking lives. The Yellow Flash’s own sensei, Jiraya, hadn’t been much of a comfort with his simple “that’s just the way it is” for an explanation. Maybe he hadn’t been able to think of anything better to say at the time.
“It’s okay to be afraid,” Sensei tried cautiously, “Actually we all are now and then. Even the bravest shinobi.”
Kakashi didn’t seem convinced. He kept his eyes turned down at the forest floor.
“They don’t show it,” the chuunin grumbled bitterly, “A true shinobi doesn’t show his feelings.”
“That’s true,” Sensei said, “A lot of them are good at suppressing them because that’s what they feel like they have to do. But those emotions are also part of what make us human, Kakashi, and no matter what, that’s always going to be what you are.”
“I don’t want to fight anymore,” the chuunin sighed, looking down at has bloody hands, “I’m tired of killing. I don’t want to take anymore lives.”
The Yellow Flash was surprised at his student’s sudden confession. Could the boy who had trained so hard to be good at being a ninja really want to give it all up? Just like that? The blonde man studied the chuunin for a moment before he spoke.
“Kakashi, why do you fight?”
“Because I have to,” the nine-year-old replied, “To protect the village.”
“And what would happen to the village if you just gave up? If you decided that they weren’t worth protecting anymore?”
The chuunin was a bit taken aback. He thought of Iruka and the other children at the academy depending on him. He thought of the Uminos and other ninja families working to protect the civilians that couldn’t defend themselves. And what was he doing? He just wanted to run away.
“I can’t let anything happen to them,” the chuunin said decidedly, looking up at his sensei again, “I want to keep protecting them.”
His mentor smiled at him warmly.
“When a shinobi starts fighting blindly, that’s when the killing becomes meaningless,” he told his student, “Fight for what you want to protect, and don’t forget why you’re doing it.”
Kakashi nodded. He tried to rise, but his strength hadn’t seemed to return to him yet. His sensei smiled and bent forward to wrap his arms around his student. Slowly, he picked up a protesting chuunin and hung the nine-year-old over his shoulder.
“Just call it teamwork,” he said with a smile, and Kakashi stopped struggling.
As his sensei bounded through the trees, Kakashi couldn’t help but feel relieved at the thought of going home, back to Konoha. Maybe because of today, I have a home to return to, he mused thoughtfully. He hadn’t been told exactly how the targets were a threat to his village, but he was sure they hadn’t been just a client’s request. Sensei never looked so serious when the job they were doing was just for money. Kakashi realized that his teacher’s reason for fighting was the same as his own and probably the same as most of Konoha’s shinobi. They all fought to protect what was important to them – their village and all of the people there who depended on them.
The Yellow Flash sensed a calmness come over his student as the small boy slowly fell asleep on the blonde man’s shoulder. Maybe Kakashi understood what being a shinobi was about a little more now, thanks to him. He didn’t have to doubt his motives anymore since he had discovered what was worth protecting. His guardian couldn’t help but smirk smugly and give himself a mental high-five.
I’m such a good sensei…