By: RamenFox
Warning: Absolute Crap
Disclaimer: Naruto doesn't belong to me that is why we have the oil spill. ...that's a little too far...
Key
Nothing= Naruto
"..."= Poor Soul
[".."]= Outsiders/People
Today it is monday. ...I hate mondays.
My name is Naruto Uzumaki, and like every Ninja from Konoha I have my days off from duty to spend time to sit back, relax and all that junk. You see, us ninja have these certain days off so that we can enter into our state of peace. Being overworked will only cause a Kaoru Takahashi. Do you know who that is? Well, let's just say that that incident happened because of being overworked too much. Humans are just not made for killing other humans 'every day'. Maybe on weekends, maybe on weekdays, maybe on Thursdays and Tuesdays, but not everyday of everyweek of every month of every year.
Me, on the other hand, hate days off. You wanna know why?
I'm. Absolutely. Fucking. Bored.
Yes, I would rather go on a A-rank mission assassinating a Lightning Daimyo or pull weeds from that bitch Aunt on Second Wire Street than stay home all day waiting until the Hokage assigns me something to do. Honestly! Where's the action and the adventure in sitting on my couch watching TV all day?! I WANNA SEE THE WORLD!
So, that is why I am writing this here. Of course, I don't spend time home alone on my Mondays. Instead, I rather go out and enjoy myself.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the book about how to cure the disease of boredom.
How to Deal with Boredom by Naruto Uzumaki. (The short version)
Chapter One: Denial
The first step in fixing your boredom is admitting you are bored.
Look inside yourself...deep inside yourself...deeper...deeper...deeper...*echoes*
...
......
.........Do you feel it?
That is what we call...emptiness. You are empty. You have no soul today or ever since during this certain day. You are sitting on your couch and you are lifeless. Like your Mom when she is lying under your Dad waiting for him to get it up and give it to her. Yes, you are that.
We need to fix it.
You may think, "What? I am not lifeless and bored. I enjoy sitting on this couch watching Grey's Anatomy or the last season of Lost. I am not bored!"
DENIAL!
You are bored.
"No I'm not."
Yes you are.
"I am not-..."
You're bored and that's that. Great! Now that you have accepted the fact that you are dead, it is time to step it up a notch and find an answer to all your unheard questions.
"What questions?"
Why didn't your parents use a condom? Or why hasn't that itch in your private area gone away now? Or why did she tell you she took the pill even though she didn't? Stuff like that.
"What does that have to do with boredom?"
Everything, my friend. Everything.
Chapter Two: The best kind of magic
Now that we have established that you are bored. It is time to put on some pants and shave your underarms cause you are going out in public!
"But...I don't wanna shave my underarms today."
TOO BAD!
"I have bad gas today."
We all do, deal with it.
"But what if a girl smells me and glares?"
They do that anyways, so just put on some clean underwear and get off your ass already!
"*sigh*"
Great, now that you have some pants on, your face is clean and your hair is tidy, it is time to open that door and be a part of today's society!
Now that we have you outside and ready to have some real fun-...
"Lost is fun...but makes me confused..."
...-it is time to engage yourself in Social matters.
"Whaty what what?"
Today your Teammates are having an outing. You should go! The other Teams are going as well so it's great to catch up with one another about stuffs.
Now that you are at the restaurant where your teammates are meeting, let's spot them out and make a grand entrance.
"A what?"
A grand entrance!!!!
"Like what?!"
....*pushes poor soul*
"GYAHHH! *crashes into tables, spilling drinks all over*"
["KYAHHH!"
"God Damnit!"
"Naruto! What the hell are you doing here!?"]
Great it seems you're teammates have noticed you. Engage in conversation!
"What!? These are your teammates NOT MINE! You talk to them!"
I am nothing but a narrator.
["That's it! Who invited Naruto!?"
"...*silence*..."
"Hinata?"
"I-it w-wasn't me! I swear....even though I-I wanted to..*finger twidles*"
"Then who did!?"
"Jeez, how troublesome, I don't think anyone did."
"Then...how did he know about this outing?"
"...."
"..."]
You can't keep secrets from me....
"Ack! Demon! U-um, everyone, please excuse me for spilling all of your drinks. I'll pay for dry cleaning! I-I'm sorry!"
["Naruto! What are you doing to this poor guy here!?"]
Now that you are done socializing with your friends, it is time to bid a farewell and move on with the next challenge.
"W-what!?"
["He's talking to imaginary people again?"
"No, he's just narrating his unwritten book again. =___=;;;"]
*Grabs poor soul and drags him away*
"Nooooo~ Help me!"
[*Table is quiet*
"Shouldn't we help him?"
"Here are your orders."
*table stares at waiter*
"Nah, after we eat."]
Chapter three: If you play with fire, you're gonna get cookies
Now that your self-esteem is up thanks to your friends, it is time to use it for something the whole village of Konohagakure can enjoy!
"Oh God..."
First, we are going to...HOME DEPOT!
"Home Depot!? WHY!?"
That....is a secret.
So, now that we are at Home Depot and bought all of the necessary items with your money, it is time to mix it all with that self-esteem you have gained today!
"...why did we buy brushes, paint, spray paint, wooden planks, nails, a hammer and a chainsaw?"
Why did your Mother tell you that Santa isn't real even though he is, hm?
"...wait...what?"
Exactly, just leave it to me! Soon your boredom will cease to exist!
"...Jesus..."
Ah! The most respected Medic Ninja in the world!
"Jesus was a ninja?"
Yes, asshole, Jesus could walk on water and heal the sick. He was a ninja. MasakoX and Vegetanumber number number number number number says so.
"*__*;;"
So, now let's go to a place where there are a large group of people!
"....the park?"
No.
"Why not?"
I'm on probation, I can't be within a hundred meters from a park or a national monument until 6 months have passed.
"..."
I know! Let's go to the Market Center! It must be rush hour by now.
"What are we doing again?"
No worries my poor, depressed, minion, soon you will be at ease. *sniff* Hang in there!
"...Someone...help me..."
Great! Now that we have arrived at the market, it is time to build!
"Build what!?"
Let us set up the traps...*pulls out weapon wires*
"Traps?! What!?"
*Starts to hook up open paint buckets onto wires and place them all over Market area in places high up.*
Let's nail these planks onto doors and spray paint them so that people think they are open! *sniggers*
"But that's only possible in cartoons!!!"
That's what you think...
*An hour later*
Here, cut this wire.
"NO!"
....*hands Kunai over* Do it...or else.
"OR ELSE WHAT!? YOU HAVE NOTHING ON ME!"
....or else I'll tell you how Lost ends....
"*gasp* I haven't seen the last episode yet! You wouldn't dare!"
....In the end, they were all actually...
"OKAY! OKAY! *cuts wire*"
["KYAHHHHH!"
"UGH! MY FRUITS! THEY'RE ALL COVERED IN PAINT!"
"WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DOES THIS!"
"*baby cries*"
"SATAN!"
"AH! WHAT THE HELL! IS THIS WOOD!?"]
Told you someone would fall for the painted on wooden door trap...
"I feel so....bad...*cries*"
Don't be! You are now moving up! Don't you feel great for helping society and bringing happiness!?
["My leg!! MY LEG!!"
"OH MY GOD! I THINK HE'S DEAD!"]
"Yes...I feel awesome...*_*"
Yay! Now let's get out of here before the Chunnin or ANBU come....If they see me then it's all over.
"O_o"
Chapter Four: Baby Making Machines
"What's with that title...*sweats*"
It's time to start with the most hardest stage in dealing with boredom. ...Talking with the ladies.
"No way! I can't do that! No no no no NO!"
Why!?
"It's just...not my thing!"
...Ohhh! I see...THEN! We shall begin with the stage of talking with the guys!
"...O_o...NOOOO! THAT WASN'T WHAT I MEANT!!! Dx"
You're really confusing.
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?"
Hmm...it must be getting worse. NO WORRIES! I shall cure you! Let's go to a strip club! That's where all women hang out!
"YOU ARE SO SEXIST!"
Am not!
"YES YOU ARE! TT---TT"
T_T.....
*Timeskip full of prancing and whistling*
Here we are...
["WHOOO! YEAH BABY! SHAKE IT!"
"I WANT SOME OF THAT ASS!"
"Take it off!!!"
"WOOT! WOOT!"]
"...Um, Naruto-san..."
I told you...
"*Stares at all the women cat calling the men dancing on stage* I'm sorry. You were right."
What did you think I was saying, women stripping for men?
"Y-yeah...=__=;"
Psh! Ha! Like that ever happens in this world!
"O_o...(But it does...right...?) What world am I in where men are mostly whores?"
Heh heh heh! Now, let's start stripping!
"W-w-what!?"
How else would you get girl's attention?
"S-stripping!? In front of all these women!?"
YEAH!
"@_@ I can't do this!"
Yes you can! Pull out your inner whore and strip!
"Men don't have inner whores! TT-TT"
And you called me sexist...
"That wasn't what I meant!"
*grabs poor soul and throws him up the stage*
["Kyahhh, how handsome!"
"How dark and muscular!"
"TAKE IT OFF!!!"]
Whooo! TAKE IT OFF!
"Naruto-san! Please don't make me do this!"
STRIP GOD DAMNIT!
[*women start chanting for poor soul to strip*]
"Nooo!"
*Naruto joins in*
STRIP OR ELSE I'LL TELL YOU...HOW IT ENDS!
"*eyes snap open*"
["KYAAA! MUSCULAR MAN IS STRIPPING!"
"*all women shriek*"]
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! xD
["KYA~!"
"WHOO!"
"TAKE THOSE BOXERS OFF!"]
"Um...no. *poor soul rubs back of head sheepishly*"
*Naruto grabs poor soul's arm and drags him out*
That was wonderful! You practically got all the girls attention, especially those cougars!
"*water fall tears* Mother, Father, I am no longer pure. I have no more pride."
Whatcha talking about Willis? The point of boredom is gaining pride! YOU HAVE MORE PRIDE THAN BEFORE!
"*_* *stares* Mother, Father, I have been picked up by this strange boy, who pushed me into his Teammates, made me disturb the peace, and took me to a women's strip club. Is this Karma?"
You're weird...
Chapter Five: What have we learned today?
"Finally are we done!?"
No. Although this is the end, we still need to see if your boredom disease has been fully healed. LET'S GO TO THE HOSPITAL! xD
"What!? But-..."
No buts! We must see if you made a full recovery.
"NO! I'm still half naked!"
*Naruto throws hospital gown at poor soul* Wear this! *grabs poor soul's arm and drags him off* TO THE HOSPITAL!
"Why are you so demanding!? TT--TT;;;"
*stares around Hospital's halls* Quick before someone sees us, walk into that room and wait until I come back with the doctor.
"O_o why must I hurry?"
No reason. Now sit!
"*sighs* *stares at gown* *stares at clock* *cries some more* *wonders what he should eat for dinner*"
*Minutes pass by*
*Door gets kicked in*
Welcome, welcome! Sit, sit, sit, sit, and tell me what the problem is!
"O_o..."
From what I am reading on my clip board, you have a severe case of...boredom, correct?
"Naruto-san, what are you doing? ...and...what are you wearing? *stares at mustache and white coat*"
...who is this...Naruto fellow? I am your doctor! Now, cough twice for me please.
"YOU'RE NOT MY DOCTOR! DO YOU EVEN HAVE A CERTIFICATION TO BE ONE!?"
Of course! I got my degree at...doctor school.
"..."
It's very prestigious.
"THAT'S IT, I AM LEAVING!"
Oh no you don't! It's time to test it out! *hand seals*
"TEST WHAT OUT!? What are you...?"
SEXY NO JUTSU!!!
*poof*
Kyaaa~n, Where are you going!?
"*stares at women in nurse's outfit in compromising position*...*_*..."
....
"..."
...
"...."
*whispers* Is he gay after all? ...
"..."
...
"...."
...
"*blood spurts out of nose*"
Ah, he's straight.
"*falls over*"
YAY! YOU HAVE BEEN OFFICIALLY CURED OF YOUR BOREDOM!!!
"*opens eyes to see women jumping*...your...breasteses...bouncing...*faints*"
Oh, whoops. *releases jutsu*
["HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!?"]
*looks at real doctor that has a little blood dribbling down nose*
Did you see it?
["WHO ARE YOU! And where did you get that coat from!?"]
You saw it didn't you?
["W-w-what...I-I didn't see anything! *blushing*"]
...*grins* You wanna see it again?
"*suddenly wakes up* EVIL! *pointing at Naruto*"
SEXY NO JUTSU!
*Poof*
Kyaa~ Don't stare at me like that!
["GYAHHH! *both doctor and poor soul faint from blood loss*"]
Psh...my work here is done.
Author's Notes: Put the fish back in the water
Thank you all for reading my book on how to deal with boredom. I hope you all enjoyed it. I know I did. *grins*
You see, all of you guys should take my advice. Sure ninja need time to themselves for mental rejuvenation, however, too much rejuvenation will lead to insanity. It makes perfect sense, trust me.
"DEMON!"
Oh...you're alive?
"I SHALL KILL YOU!"
Why?
"I'M WANTED BY THE ANBU, COUGARS ARE LUSTING AFTER ME, AND THE DOCTOR IS SUEING ME FOR WHAT YOU DID!"
Ah-ha! But you are no longer bored!
"I WASN'T BORED IN THE FIRST PLACE! I just wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy and Lost...*cries*...even though Lost makes me lost..."
Only bored people watch those. Anyhoo, you should be thanking me for wasting my time doing all of that for you.
"Yet you know how Lost ends..."
:D
"...I don't think you were wasting your time..."
...?
"I think you did all of that on purpose...BECAUSE YOU WERE BORED!!!"
If you're gonna start mumbling physcological crap like that, then I suggest reading my book on How to Tell when People are Using you for their Own Entertainment. ^_^ ...by Naruto Uzumaki.
"..."
Until next time people...Farewell! And remember! Don't be a Kaoru Takahashi.
"...Mother, Father...I have been made into an insult."
End