It came to Naruto as he was slipping into his bed in the Hokage mansion next to his beautiful, sleeping wife Hinata, that all of the Akatsuki were weird in there own right. Snapping the book he was reading shut, he stared through his reading glasses at a spot on the wall.

Kisame was most likely an escapee from Sea World and a distant cousin to Shamu.

Zetsu was probably born and raised in a greenhouse or flower shop, lke that one plant in that movie ‘The Little Shop of Horrors’.

ANBU drove people insane and that Itachi’s pocky addiction came from that and he most also a big candidate for suspicion of being a closet pervert.

Deidara was probably a war-bomb designer in his past life, and before that Van Gough, and some inter lapse in time fused the two.

Sasori had a very wrong over protectiveness of his puppets and probably a sick love for them too…could he be related to Kankuro?

Tobi was legally insane. Naruto himself saw the license.

Pein needed to see a doctor on removing all those piercings.

Hidan was a sadistic bastard that would probably end up hell bent on trying o convert the world’s religious into Jashin followers and then step into a church and burst into flames.

Naruto desperately wanted to see what would happen if you locked Kakuzu in a room with a bag of money right outside it, with the walls being unbreakable.

Konan was probably an origami world-champion several of her lives ago. And he barely knew jack shit about her.

An idea then popped into his head, and he ordered a team of ANBU into his room.

“Capitan, take as many men as you deem necessary. We’re going to catch Kakuzu of the Akatsuki. I want to try something…” Naruto ordered, before slipping into bed once more.

“Naru-kun? What was that about?” Hinata said, turning over to look at him.

“Hm? Oh, nothing. Just trying to catch Kakuzu.”

“Ah…alright…” Hinta yawned, before using her husband for 20 years as a pillow.

“I really do wonder what he would do…” Naruto pondered, before dosing off himself.

When Cat and Weasel had finally tracked down Kakuzu in the village of Tanzaku, they punched one another to make sure they weren’t seeing things.

Kakuzu of the Akatsuki, one of the most feared men on the planet, had just walked into a DVD store and walked out with something that made the devil twitch.

Star Trek: The Complete Series

They wasted no time pulling a potato sack over his head, binding him with ropes, and burning his purchase.

After hitting him in the head with a pipe of course.

Kakuzu

Naruto sat in a steel plated room with a single, wide window right behind him, and nodded to the two ANBU as they brought in Kakuzu, bound and potato’d sacked.

Tying him to a chair, facing Naruto, they pulled off they sack, and the bound man instantly began talking.

“I don’t care what you do to me! I won’t betray the Akatsuki! Kill me, burn me, castrate me…wait, I take that back…bake me in a pie! I won’t betray them!” Kakuzu shouted, tugging against his bonds.

“Now Kakuzu, I simply want to perform an experiment.” Naruto said, taking off his glasses. His eyesight was falling.

Kakuzu then stopped resisting, and stared up at the smiling blonde. The Akatsuki member instantly paled. While they may have been hunting him, Naruto was said to be the next Professor…but in a literal, more sadistic sense.

Hell, the kid was KNOWN for being sadistic in his experiments!

“Now, see that table out there?” Naruto said, pointing the normal wooden table just ten feet away from the outside of the steel plated room. “I’m going to leave something very special there, and I’m going to leave a video camera to record how you react. No guards, no traps, just a camera. Cat, Weasel, you’re dismissed. Kakuzu…” Naruto said, standing and taking his leave.

When Naruto stepped outside the room, he bent over and picked up the brief case that was waiting on the ground, and took it over to the table, and then checked to see if the door was bolted shut and if the Akatsuki agent was looking at him.

Kakuzu was sweating bullets as the Rokudaime Hokage looked at him and smirked. The blonde then opened the briefcase to reveal…

Wads, and wads of cash.

Pulling out a sharpie, Naruto wrote on the window so that Kakuzu could read it.

That right there is 50 million. All you have to do is break out and take it. Inside is the key to get out of this building. I’ve ordered all ninja not to attack you unless you attack first. Bye bye now.

Slipping the sharpie into his pocket, Naruto left the room.

“…You are a bastard that was spawned from the deepest pits of hell, Uzumaki Naruto.” Kakuzu stated as his threads cut through the rope. “Now, did they really think this could hold me?”

All his threads were disintegrated upon contact with the wall, door, and window.

“…BASTARD!!!” Kakuzu shouted as he began banging his fists on the wall. “My money…my precious money! I’LL KILL YOU UZUMAKI FOR KEEPING ME AWAY FROM MY BABIES! ALL 50 MILLION OF THEM!”

When Naruto came back in, he found Kakuzu unconscious, sprawled on the ground, with a crack in the glass.

“Hm…” Naruto grabbed the tape and began playing it.

There, he saw Kakuzu head butting the glass repeatedly, shouting something about killing Naruto. “Ah…it seems my theory was proven correct…Cat, Weasel!”

The two ANBU appeared behind the Hokage. “You’re new mission is to track down Tobi of the Akatsuki…”

“How do we plan to capture him, Hokage-sama?” Cat asked.

“Oh…I don’t know. Use your imagination.”

“Yes sir.” Cat and Weasel then poofed away.

“Shino.” Naruto called.

A man in a white coat and black glasses walked in. “Naruto?”

“If you would please wake Kakuzu-kun.” Naruto said, turning around to watch Shino have his bugs turn into a giant hand and slap the thread while standing in the door way.

Grumbling, Kakuzu mumbled, “Five more minutes Hi-kun…”

Silence.

“Slap harder if you would, my friend.”

“Pleasure.”

“OKAY! OKAY! I’m up…THE HELL?!” Kakuzu shouted, pointing comically at the bugs, which then changed into a middle finger. “Well fuck you too!” Double birdies were Kakuzu’s answer.

“Shino.” Naruto tossed him a remote with a big red button on it. “Would you like to do the honors?”

“Pleasure.” Shino pressed the big red button.

It was reported Kakuzu then had three simultaneous heart attacks due to the sheer amount of money falling from the roof.

“It seems I was right.” Naruto said, walking away.

Shino quickly pocketed as much money as he could.

Cat and Weasel watched from up in a tree as Tobi walked down the street, towards their hand made trap, a trap worthy of being called ANBU grade.

A 70 foot deep pit covered by leaves.

The masked Akatsuki member continued walked down the street, swinging his arms, hands full with the purchases he had made throughout the day, humming a merry tune.

And then, right before he was about to fall into the pit, Cat and Weasel biting their lips inside their masks, Tobi paused, one foot in the air, and looked at a window showing something he thought Zetsu and Kisame might like.

A hobby and pet store sat side-by-side, one window sporting all types of plants, and another showing all kinds of fish.

“THAT’S IT!” Weasel shouted. Jumping out of the tree, he pulled a metal pipe from under his jacket, shouting a war cry and holding it over his head aggressively.

Turning, confusedly, Tobi watched the ANBU come jumping at him with the pipe. Quirking his head, he said, “What?”

SMACK!

Knocked unconscious, Tobi fell sideways into the pit, his purchases falling in with him. Standing at the mouth of the pit, Weasel stared down into the darkness. “Well that was easy.”

“YOU IDIOT!” Cat shouted, her arms waving in the air.

“What? We got him, didn’t we?” Weasel said, shrugging.

The two ANBU became aware that Tobi was crawling out of the pit, groaning all the way. “What happened? Was Tobi not a good boy?”

Looking down, Weasel positioned the pipe like a golf club and swung.

Hard.

Tobi didn’t try to crawl back up.

Tobi

Tobi slowly opened his eye(s?) and found himself tied to a chair, his mask on, and his feet touching a padded floor. Surveying the darkness, he saw the silhouettes of three people.

He was relieved to find his purchases right next to his chair.

“Tobi of the Akatsuki.” said a familiar voice with amusement in it. “I welcome you. Would you like some tea?”

“Ah, Naruto-san. Yes, I would. I’m parched.” Tobi said, playing along.

Pouring him some tea, Naruto said, “I’m sorry for the way my ANBU treated you. I thought they would be more gentle when I told them to use their imaginations when capturing you.” The Hokage slided the tea over to Tobi, who pulled a Kakashi, drinking it in a moment. Tobi didn’t need to check it for anything. Everyone in the Akatsuki knew Naruto played fair at this little game.

“It is quite alright. I’m just glad my purchases weren’t ruined.” Tobi said, lifting up his head from the empty cup.

“I simply must ask though…” Naruto said, resting his chin on his hands. “What were you buying?”

“Gifts for my fellow Akatsuki members. Although, I was tempted not to get one for Pein-sama, since he took out his anger on me for the death of Kakuzu.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. If I had known that would have happened, I would have held him prisoner, instead of making die in glee.”

“Completely understandable.”

“Thank you. Now, Tobi, I’m going to perform an experiment on you.”

“Alrighty. Depends how long it will take though, I have to get back to the Akatsuki base in time before Zetsu-san eats me.” Tobi said, nodding.

“Right then. We’re going to try to break you of your insanity. This is an asylum room, and we’re going to leave you in here for three days, and see how you react. If you turn back to sanity, I’ll let you go. Break out, I’ll let you go. I just want to see what you’d do in total isolation, even from light.” Naruto said, standing up and dismissing Cat and Weasel.

“That might be a bit of a problem…”

“We’ll give you donuts.”

“I bid you, adieu.”

Tobi found himself in complete darkness, in a straight jacket and mask, with nothing else in the room.

Tobi

When Naruto returned to Tobi’s ward room, he found a human sized hole in the wall, with the padding on the wall torn in such a manner that it was a notice.

Naruto-san,

I know that by the time you read this, I’ll have broken out. But knowing you , you expected that. I had to get back to the Akatsuki base. I left a gift for you in the corner.

Hope I was a good boy,

Tobi

P.S. – Thanks for the donuts.

Looking in the corner, Naruto saw a stuffed Kyuubi. Blinking, Naruto called in Cat and Weasel.

“Cat, Weasel, your new mission is to capture Deidara of the Akatsuki. I wish you luck.” Naruto said, smiling at the letter from Tobi.

He was, once again, correct in his theory.