Summary: 10th Anniversary Edition! Now with 13% more typos! Bored in study hall, they started their own religion, and this one was commissioned to write its sacred text, in exchange for becoming their First Apostle. And so it came to pass, the most demented religious book ever written, an epic tale about nothing. (This book containeth more than thy USDA Recommended Daily Allowance of Irony, Unrefined Satire, and Vitamin X, and may cause random side-effects for those who take themselves, or their religion, too seriously.)
Categories: Non-Naruto Fiction, Non-Naruto Fiction > Original stories, Non-Naruto Fiction > Poems Characters: OC
Genres: Action/Adventure, Fantasy, Humor, Parody, Poetry, Sci-Fi, Supernatural
Warnings: Death, Sexual Themes
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 129 Completed: Yes
Word count: 101461 Read: 62013
Published: 07/08/13 Updated: 16/04/14
Kungfucius 11 by shadesmaclean
AD FOR NEW PRODUCT: New and Improved Prince Albert in a Can. He sliceth, he diceth— he shall even do thy homework for thee! All he asketh is that thou letteth him out.
Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:
And it came to pass that after the Gods of Hondo didst drop the Dudes off at the end of the Endless Highway, that a fell figure didst appear at the Spooky Door.
‘Naginata…’ quoth Scoot.
‘I standeth between thee and the HellRazor,’ quoth Naginata. ‘Now would ye be so kind as to granteth me a re-match?’
And Scoot didst power up.
‘Bring it on!’ cried both of them in unison.
‘Jinx!’ quoth Scoot.
And Naginata was speechless. So he didst give Scoot the finger.
‘And thou calleth thyself the Polite Assassin,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Cat got thy tongue? Hast thou run out of bold threats already?’
And Naginata didst stomp away.
‘Art thou gonna cry off?’ quoth Scoot. ‘Oh yeah. Ye can’t.’
And there was much laughter.
‘Hot-damn!’ quoth Nori. ‘He doth look mad enough to implode!’
And it came to pass that the Polite Assassin Naginata didst implode, and didst collapse in on himself and become a singularity.
‘Cool!’ quoth Yoco. ‘Kungfucius must’ve taught ye that move!’
And the singularity didst begin to suck everything up.
‘Run away! Run away!’ cried Scoot.
And the Dudes didst retreat into the Spooky door to a place of light and song, for the singularity didst not only consume the Mushroom Thieves, but the Spooky Door, and every mile of the Endless Highway, as well.
‘Homewrecker!’ cried Kungfucius as the Spooky Door didst stretch and shrink out of existence.
‘Wait one fucking minute!’ cried Nori. ‘Doth this mean we art trapped in this shithole now?’
‘Shit? Hole?’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘My home this is! …But alas, no, trapped here thou’rt not. Many other Spooky Doors in my world there art.’
‘Then why didst the Gods of Hondo send me down the Endless Highway when there were other ways in?’ quoth Scoot.
‘For the hell of it,’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Want to know who’s to blame, the cats will…’
‘Blameth the implosion on Yoco,’ quoth Casey.
‘Hey!’ quoth Yoco.
‘Thou art the Sacrificial Goat,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Thou art at fault by general principle.’
‘Worketh for me,’ quoth Kungfucius. ‘Now come to train, hast thou not? Get started we shall. Yes… First thou, tall one. Maketh me laugh!’
‘Oy…’ quoth Scoot.
And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst begin their training with the mystical Master Kungfucius.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.