Alrighty, a review doubly owed.  Rightio, starting with the title I'm impressed, a nice pun but also mysterious. I've already seen other fics where Shika defects, and I wonder about the popular theme. I even like the beatlike flow of the summary and promises something fun (yay, Kabuto's in it!) I think its a bit too spaced out, too much white such as the triple spacing at the end and perhaps runing  'events. Multiple pairing' together to keep it compact. I'm always vaguely confused by this fandoms need to state a pairing so upfront but each fandom its own quirks. Onto the story and I love it from the start. Shika's and Choji's relationship was really well done during the Sound Arc, my favourite part, and it showed how close the two were. Oddly in the other fics the writers for get that, but I guess that’s because Choji isn’t a prettyboy. Choji's sense loss and dejection comes through well mostly because you feel lost even though you don’t realize it’s Choji until the end of the first paragraph. My heart really aches for him imagining him lying in a stark hospital bed when in any other circumstances Shika would be right at his side. I also like the padding of the introduction, the rumours, Ino’s detachment and speculations about Neji. I’ve never heard the term Bunke before! In the fifth and sixths paragraphs there’s a minor tense changes, eg “Choji remembers” I’m not sure if it’s the style but it’s something of a pothole when otherwise reading in present tense. For an opening scene, its perfect. As I continue to read it changes permanently to present tense. I recommend going back through the first scene and making sure it’s all the same. I’ve never been a fan of present tense, found it hard to get into but I’ll try not to let it get the better of me. The mood remains solemn and well portrayed and there’s a wide vocabulary put to good use. So does this mean at least part of the Sound 5 remain. I always reckoned they’d be fun to get down and deep with. The idea of Neji being the next vessel is an interesting one… *restrains fangirl squeal and coughs* Kabuto is wonderfully in character, that smugly secretive. I particularly like ‘poison words dripping with honey’. Kabuto all over! Hmm, ejaculates probably isn’t the best said-word, it never really has pleasant imagery but I think Shika is a bit out of character. He was never such a bad actor when confronting Jirobo but Neji is certainly clever enough to recognize the guise but he’s also the kind of boy to sulk! Eeh, ouch. Fangirl-Japanese. I’d avoid using it in story mostly because if you don’t know Japanese it only has the effect of frustrating the reader.  Shika’s motives are spot on and sneaky as always, bravo! I couldn’t completely immerse myself because of the present tense but everything was so effectively written I could keep reading. Characters were spot on and I’d love to see Choji play a good part in the story as his best friend. Lastly… Kabuuuuto! *drools and passes out*  

 

Author's Response:

Can I bow down and kiss your feet, or would that be too weird? ... Nah. I think it would be too weird. Yah. Definitely.

So, um... wow. I don't think I've ever even /seen/ a review this long, before. Sheesh! Okay, um, where to start? I guess I could just thank you terribly much for your time and for making such a useful review! Yah. That aside... I do have to defend myself and ask a few questions, because I didn't quite understand all of it, heh... I'm an idiot. That was confirmed years ago...

So, first off... I'm sorry you don't like the present tense, 'cause it's definitely not going to get changed. For me, personally, the first person creates a sense of impending action, mystery, and a not-quite-right feel to the story. Just me, but I suppose I can see how it could irk someone else. Ah, well, it's /my/ personal favorite of all the tenses, but to each their own.

As for the thing of switching tenses at the beginning... I did that in an effort to show the past tense (what already happened) as layed out, thought out, and simple. Not too confusing. Done. Over with. Explained. I switched to the present tense because it's what is happening. Chouji is remembering what happened and stuff, and it's supposed to help it feel confused and cluttered and not-quite-right, unlike what for sure already happened. I don't know. It makes less sense now than when I was actually writing it. Re-reading it, I do feel like something's not quite right with the transition. I may go back and beat my head with a block and try to smooth it out. But like I said, the present tense isn't going away. Nyah.

And... sorry to burst your bubble, but I haven't kept the Sound Five alive. Only Kimimaro, for plot purposes. And that's all I can tell you!! Sorry!

The thing with Neji gets waaaay more interesting than it already is. Promise <3

And... I know what I'm doing with the honorifics, so don't worry. And honorifics is as far as I go with Japanese stuff, except for "mo mendo na" and "mendokusee" because I know those. That's it, though. I promise not to use anything I don't know. Cross my heart, stick a needle in my eye.

So... I'm confused. You criticized my characterization of Shikamaru, then went on to say I did a good job making his motives and sneaky-ness spot-on? Confused doesn't cover it. If it's possible, do you think you could give me more specific commentary on his characterization? It's very important to me, so I'd be very very glad to hear what you have to say. As for the other characters, I'm so glad you like the way I portrayed them!! I try so very hard to keep them true to the anime. Can't say much for the manga, since I don't read it, but to the anime, I stick to it like holy scripture.

Like I said, thank you so much for taking the time to give such an in-depth, /useful/ review! Oh, and I forgot to mention at the beginning of this... I'm so glad you like the title! The acronym for it "SIDE" also has a nice allusion to the story as well, as in "Which SIDE are you really on, Shikamaru?" or something dorky like that... eh, doesn't seem as cool anymore. Oh well.

The title was originally "The Art of Betrayal" or "TAB" but... I canned that one. Yuck-o.

Is the plot idea of Shikamaru defecting really that popular? It seemed so strange to me that I couldn't imagine anyone had done it before! I guess Cheysuli's plot bunnies are more popular than I first thought. Oops.

Hopefully, mine won't end up being too cliche. That would suck.

Loves and Kisses and Sand Castles for All!
(wasn't this really freakin' long?)
-Casild