Hmm, I usually don't go for Akatsuki fics, but I'm devoting myself to becoming more involved in TONFA's young authors, and I figure I should broaden my horizens, nee? And, really, the title caught my eye before I even realized it was an Akatsuki fic, so let's go with it! XD So, warning, I am an obsessive, grammar nazi, let's actually basically beta the chapter intstead of just review it. I am especially so with new authors and the first couple reviews on a story. So, there's my warning, and I hope I don't scare you off with my overly long, hopefully helpful review. Be aware, I am writing this first paragraph before I've even started reading chapter, so right now I have no idea at all what your writing is like. XP

Okay, so the very first thing I noticed was that you're descriptive, and you've got a mind for things that not just anyone will think of when writing. That's a good thing, a very good thing, especially for me because I really like descriptive writing. So, woooo! Second thing I noticed was your sentence structure. I'm glad to see that you know how to utilize complex and compound sentences. A lot beginner authors I see don't. They use way too many short, simple sentences which result in far too many uses of I/he/she/they/we/other pronouns, especially at the beginning of sentences. You don't want to start out every sentence with She did that, He did this, They felt that. However, simple sentences exist for a reason, and they can be very useful for pacing out a story by using the right right balance of complex sentences and simple sentences. You need to learn that balance. I love that you utilize complex sentence, but try to stick some shorter, simple sentences in the mix as well. It will definitely add to your story and give a bit more to the readers. They will be happy. Promise. :D

Okay, wait, no, so actually the very first thing I noticed was the shortness of your chapter. You are now my best friend! *laughs lightly* So I'm an extremely impatient person, and when it comes to reading stories online, I can rarely bring myself to read it if it has really long chapters. Like, seriously, there could be two options for a story that I have to read all at once: one has twenty chapters that are say 1000 words per chapters (so 20,000 words total), and then the other is three chapters at 4000-5000 words per chapter (so 12,000-15,000 words total). I will read the twenty, which is actually more words in the end, over the three chapters. Because I'm impatient and can't sit down and actually complete a task like that because it seems more daunting just because the chunks are bigger. So, yeah! I'm so happy your chapter is short, and I hope it stays that way. I'm certainly more likely to continue reading steadily if they do. XD lol

Next thing I noticed! You're good at action. You just keep things going, I'm engaged in what's happening, the story's really moving forward, and it's like, yeah! I want more of this! What's gonna happen? It's intense, and I'm liking it. *thumbs up*

So, the guy steps out of the bushes, and he's got an Akatsuki robe on. How does she know it's an Akatsuki robe? What does it look like? How does she know what it looks like? Certainly she's never actually seen an Akatsuki in person before. And, yeah, I realize that most of us readers probably already know what the Akatsuki cloak looks like, which I'm assuming is why you didn't bother to explain. But this right here is your, not Kishimoto's. Explain things! Tell me what the cloak looks like. Then come to the realization that, hey, this is the Akatsuki cloak! This guy is an Akatsuki member! That's insane and unexpected, and he's for sure got to be dangerous and super strong! Feel that stress, that fear and apprehension that's gonna automatically hit this girl as she comes to this realization of who she's facing.

So that's all I got to say, I think. Oh, yeah, your gramma could improve, but it's really not so bad. The big thing I see grammar wise is that you forget to put the comma in on compound sentences, like, "He did this, and she did that." See the comma I put in there? Yeah, don't forget those. ;) But, yeah, I like this. I want to see more. Keep up the good work.


Out,
Masumi TAT

Author's Response: I read it all and than you so much :) inspired me you did!

So far so good. Short but interesting. I'm actually curious as to seeing how this goes, given the prologue.

Thank goodness for someone who knows the difference between blonde and blond! ^_^

I think some of the dialogue is pretty stiff; it is realistic, but it doesn't match the rest of the scene's it's used in well enough to be considered smooth.

Also, Kai is slightly unrealistic, in the sense, you don't know what she's thinking. If she knew who they were, why didn't she turn tail and run? Or at least show some signs of fear? Unless she was meant not to.... which would be interesting.

Looking forward to see where this goes, yeah. ^_^

Author's Response: :) thanks! You gave me the happiness to write more <3