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Breathing by fuyuko

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Story notes: Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Masashi Kishimoto. No money is being made from the writing of this story and no copyright/trademark infringement is intended.

[Song] Disclaimer: “Breathing” and Yellowcard do no belong to me and no copyright/trademark infringement is intended.
Chapter notes: Signs:
/ is the lyrics of the song
It was glacial freezing, yet burning aflame. It was inhumanely heavy, but surprisingly light. It was sleek black, yet pure white. It was contradicting.

He was entirely drained of much depleted energy and hoped to be able to catch a night of well deserved rest, however, he was still infecting his mind. Unknowingly, but in secret, in a way that the raven haired would never know.

Did he have any idea how much suffering the fair-haired went through just for him? How much this destructing relationship was ruining his life, even if the kitsune welcomed it cordially? He needed him dreadfully, conversely could not have him close.

No.

Was it just this man, or was it that he could never have anyone close?

/Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close
/The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold

It was just this gentleman, he figured, as he has never felt this exhausted all his being.

His cerulean eyes wandered over to the man sleeping peacefully besides him. The only sign of his life was the slight heaving of his chest to each rising breath and leaving exhale. If only he could open his eyes and see how terribly painful this was all to him.

But he could not tell the older man how he felt, because it was opposing. His apprehensive words would collide in a battle of whether or not to abscond. He loved this man so, he could not picture his days without him anymore, yet the longer he stayed with him, the more excruciating each day became.

And how should he resolve this ongoing problem? By simply running away in the midst of night?
The elite ninja was not stupid; he could track the demon container down effortlessly. It was not undemanding as people might think. The world was no longer a child’s game, it was no longer straightforward. There were paths of lives that ran entirely in endless circles, and roads that twisted confusingly only to end up at the same place once more.

How much he wished he were still a child.

/And even though you’re next to me I still feel so alone
/I just can’t give you anything for you to call your own

Where the world could take care of him.

He felt the physical presence of his lover, nonetheless he could not feel him. It seemed as if the raven haired were mentally adrift somewhere else. Like each time the bonded, the determined, onyx eyed man was out of body. Like he was only a existing, hollow shell of what used to be him.

What happened the young, goal grasping boy he had once fought with so vividly? Even their continuous fights of long before was better than this void intimacy.

He wanted more than just an vacant casing to keep. He wanted everything the intoxicating man had to offer.

Was it greedy of him to ask so?

/’Cause I can feel you breathing and it’s keeping me awake
/Can you feel it beating? My heart’s sinking like a weight

No.

He didn’t think as so. He wanted to trace the lean, insipid fingers across the uprising chest and ask him if he could feel the very much alive heart beating speedily. If the raven haired man understood that he was relentlessly panicky because of his one noxious attendance. If he understood that the blonde believed he lived solely for the holy Uchiha.

He wanted to tell him everything that was bothering him, but could not bring himself to do so.

:Flashback:

“You can tell me anything you want, alright?” declared the saintly older man kindly, his ebony eyes piercing demandingly into the kitsune’s cobalt ones, “Anything at all.”

It were as if he were searching recklessly through the demon container’s thoughts already.

“I know…I want to…” started the blonde vigilantly, his mind still working on how best to lay out his words.

The hallowed Uchiha’s tempting voice sounded through the barren, unadorned room echoing, “What do you want to? You can tell me.”

He knew how badly the raven haired wanted to help. He knew that the older man understood something was wrong with his partner. But he couldn’t bring himself to utter words that would satisfy his burden.

“Nothing. I’m fine.” Lied the blonde haired uneasily, casting his blue eyes out the window at a pair of fleeting, cheery birds. A foolish, juvenile grin adorned his beaming face, “I’m happy as long as you’re here!! So, don’t leave me, ok?”

He was joking; he knew that Sasuke would never abandon him, no matter what. He vowed grimly, and knew the raven haired would never break their childish promise.

The consecrated Uchiha’s face lit up at sight of his contented lover, “I won’t; I promise.”

:End Flashback:

If only he knew the encumber the blonde carried, heavy on his tired, sagging shoulders.

/Something I’ve been keeping locked away behind my lips
/I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss

He could feel himself deteriorating completely, being torn apart ruthlessly with each fervent, loving kiss they shared. The blessed Uchiha didn’t mean to hurt him so, and even the flaxen did not understand the source of all his unnamed twinge. It were as if God were toying with their desperate relationship as an experiment.

Did the now sleeping Sasuke feel the same way as well? Did he feel a smoldering ache with each skin contact they made? Did he understand the same psychological hell his lover was going through each waking moment and supposedly slumbering night?

Did he know at all?

/I couldn’t bear to hurt you but it’s all so different now
/Things that I was sure of they have filled me up with doubt

He had no intention of ever letting Sasuke know about his midnight troubles. He did not want to further trouble the holy Uchiha with such trivial matters. He wanted to end his torment, yet could not bear to press the cold blade any further into his open neck. He could not desert him, but sought intolerably to say good bye.

How best would this problem be solved, he asked again, silver mercury clouding his vision. They trailed down his tanned face mutely.

“I’m sorry…” he muttered desperately, wanting so badly to feel a warm, crimson liquid spread across his aching chest. He wanted to end this all.

/’Cause I can feel you breathing and it’s keeping me awake
/Can you feel it beating? My heart’s sinking like a weight

But how could he, when his partner needed him so? Or did Sasuke really care at all? Was he just another object that was convenient sex to him? Another item that could be tossed aside hastily?

How insanely he thought!! How he would actually doubt his beloved Sasuke. He knew deep in his nagging heart, that that would never happen.

Sasuke loved him for him, didn’t he? He hoped so. Was he that distraught? As to actually have to beg to be loved? What a distressing man he was becoming.

Degrading.

Embarrassing.

Humiliating.

/How am I supposed to feel about the things I’ve done?
/I don’t know if I should stay or turn around and run

His cerulean eyes skimmed over the tip of the perfectly sculpted nose, taking in a deep breath in synchronization with the raven haired’s even inhalation. The lightly shut lids, shielding his tired, obsidian eyes from the world. How forceful they would bore down him, probingly, as if searching for a flaw or reading his thoughts overtly. The carved, crimson red lips that hung slightly open, partially revealing a row of beautifully straight, bleached appearing teeth.

How defective the blonde felt in small comparison to only just the sacred Uchiha’s angel like features. Was he truly from above, and not a living person here?

What if he was? Then was this a sin for both of them, to be in love with a seraph?

/I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same
/The only love I ever knew I threw it all away

Even if Naruto did not kill himself somehow, he was sure that the divine Uchiha would be the bringer of his untimely death. Unknowingly, the older man could rid of him straightforwardly. Just a simple touch, or ardent kiss would excruciatingly tear the kitsune apart.

He was fuming inside with how stupid he was being, yet he knew how appalling this disparaging relationship was. How each day of his unlived life was slowly in cover of a greying, dull sky laden with rain-heavy clouds.

/And I can feel you breathing and it’s keeping me awake
/Can you feel it beating? My heart’s sinking like a weight

He wanted to draw the slender, pale fingers across his uprising chest and ask him if he could feel the very much alive heart beating rapidly.
If the raven haired man understood that he was constantly uneasy because of his one poisonous presence.

If he understood that the blonde believed he lived solely for the sanctified Uchiha.

If he knew how agonizingly alone he felt.

/I can feel you breathing, it’s keeping me awake
/Could you stop my heart beating? It’s always sinking like a weight
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