Common misunderstanding number one:
Neji's hair.
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Fangirl(s): *squeee!* Neji's hair is so pretty! He must spend hours taking care of it! He's so obsessive... we love his hair!! It's so silky and shiny and it looks so soft, I just want to keep a lock of it for myself! And at the end of that battle with Kidoumaru- *swoons* so beautiful!
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Neji:
A note to my fans,
While I deeply appreciate your support, I must correct you.
For one thing, I am not obsessive. At all. With the exception of training, for how can I ever surpass the Main Branch if I do not train? I do not obsess, though I admit to being slightly anal-retentive at times (but if I wasn't, who on Team Gai would be? Order would be lost. ...what little order exists).
I do not, and I mean that in every sense possible, spend hours caring for my hair. It takes all of three minutes to brush in the morning (Hanabi timed me once, something she has never explained to me). If you want to speculate on who spends the most time attending to their hair, I suggest you turn around and look at Hinata. Since Shippuden started, her hair is longer than mine.
You would not believe the money she spends on hair products.
Another hair-obsessed Hyuuga would be my uncle. Yes, that's right, my uncle. Hyuuga Hiashi, the head of our clan.
Now there is someone who spends hours on his hair every morning. But I suppose that's what happens when you are the head of a clan and have nothing better to occupy yourself with. Though I wish he could have picked something a bit more... manly... to obsess over. It reflects poorly on the clan.
As for my hair being so shiny and soft, why yes. It is. You are correct there. I take pride in the fact that my hair always looks good, even on long missions with little rest it retains its appearance.
I digress.
Now, let's talk about my fight with Kidoumaru. What a battle it was, indeed. Nearly lost my life there- but you know that.
More specifically, let's talk about my hair during the fight with Kidoumaru.
My poor Kishimoto-sama was quite incorrect in his rendering of that battle. First things first, it was rigorous, to say the least. A fact you already know. I am not a god, as much as I am loathe to admit that, and I do sweat when I exert myself overmuch. By the time my hair tie was cut, my hair was drenched in sweat. It was most definitely not billowing about me the way he showed.
It was rather stringy and smelly. Now swoon over that.
Once again, I am sorry to disappoint, but my hair is not magical, all-mighty, and beautiful, and I do not obsess over it or spend hours in caring for it. Go swoon over Hiashi's hair, it's much nicer than mine.
Most definitely not yours,
Hyuuga Neji.
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Common misunderstanding number two:
The Neji x Tenten and Neji x Lee pairings.
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Fangirl(s): Neji and Tenten are so perfect for each other! Why? I don't know! They just are! Lee? Well, Lee and Neji are great together, too. I mean, Lee is just like the excitement that Neji lacks, he completes Neji!
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Neji:
(Yet another) note to my fans:
First of all, Tenten has no personality. At all. Kishimoto has failed her miserably in that department.
As for her and I becoming a couple... I shudder at the idea.
I admit, she is strong for a kunoichi, and she is useful in helping me train, but she is not my type. It's actually quite impossible for her to be anyone's type, seeing as she has no personality, and therefore is not a type herself.
I would rather marry Hinata than date Tenten, and you know my disposition towards Hinata (remember that I tried to kill her once).
As for Lee... that is just a straight out no, never, not in a million years.
You say "Lee completes him!", but I disagree. It is more like he overwhelms me with his exuberance and idiocy. I also think that I get on Lee's nerves at times, as well. You say that he "has the excitement Neji lacks!" Well, I'll have you know that I quite enjoy being boring, thank you.
Not to mention the green spandex.
Now, I would not in a thousand years consider myself a particularly fashion-knowledgeable man, but I know enough to know that Lee is an anomaly in that department. Spandex on its own is bad enough, but green? And with the orange legwarmers, no less! As if that wasn't bad enough, he went and became chuunin, and wears his vest proudly, sadly unaware of how terribly the two shades of green clash.
I can put up being seen with him dressed in such a manner when we are just teammates and possibly friends, but if he were my significant other? No. I would not be caught dead with him.
Let's not go into what I think of his eyes and accompanying eyebrows.
We'll just say that I am very fond of my own nicely-shaped eyes and naturally thin and delicate brows, thank you.
As always, sorry to disappoint, but both pairings are so far out there it depresses me.
Never to be yours,
Hyuuga Neji.
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Common misunderstanding number three:
Neji is a coldhearted bastard with a metal pole shoved up his ass.
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NONfangirl(s): Neji is a heartless bastard! He was so mean to Hinata and Naruto, and he thinks he's great and all-mighty, but he's not! Just look at him, he got his ass whooped by Naruto, who is way awesomer than him! And all that crap about fate- he needs to just shut up and get over his angst!
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Neji:
(Altogether too many notes) to my fans:
Or rather, my non-fans.
I am not a heartless bastard, and there is most definitely not a metal pole shoved up my anus. You can check if you like, I assure you it is wholly absent.
Though I wouldn't mind shoving one up your ass, thankyou. I feel I must defend myself.
First of all, you know my history. Please don't tell me you wouldn't be upset if that happened to you. Being a caged bird, being oppressed, it is not an enjoyable experience, especially when no-one will explain it to you beyond "It is the duty of the Bunke to protect the Main Branch, die for them, and that is the way it is. You cannot change it." I was not satisfied with that explanation, obviously.
Thus, in the need for something to blame, my belief in fate was born.
I would also like to mention the fact that many people believe I am heartless.
No, I am not. If I were heartless, how could I possibly have hated Hinata half as much as I did? Note that I mentioned before the line I have drawn between love and hate. Just because I keep them separate, doesn't mean they don't both reside in my heart. Therefore, I am not heartless.
I realize it seemed like I was being mean to Hinata and Naruto (and maybe I was, just a bit) but at the time I just thought I was being realistic. I admit now that I was wrong, but really, do you have to keep raving on me about it? I'm beginning to develop a migraine.
And I did not get my ass whooped by Uzumaki, as you put it. He merely caught me off guard and got in one good punch. Had I not been too stunned by the fact that he had landed a good hit, and what he said about changing the Hyuuga, I could very easily have gotten up again and continued on my merry way, beating him to a pulp. (To this day, I do not understand why I didn't do just that. I blame this misfortunate event on Kishimoto and his lame ideas).
Coming back to my obsession with fate- I have been working on correcting this. I still believe in fate, but do not consider it law or unchangeable, as I used to. I would appreciate it if you would discontinue penalizing me for my past behavior.
Try and put yourself in my shoes for once.
This time I'm not sorry for disappointing.
I would hate to be yours,
Hyuuga Neji.
(PS: may fate smite you, damnit.)
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Chapter notes:Please take this with a grain of salt, and don't think I'm trying to bash anyone. It's all intended to be in good humor.
As for my pairing rants... please don't take offense. If you feel that you absolutely must defend the pairing(s) that you like, then do it with as little cursing and foul language as possible. Neji's opinions on the pairings listed are not necessarily my own opinions.
Remember this whole fic is strung out on some major crack, so don't take it too seriously.
T_T This chapter used to have a section dedicated just to ranting on the unrealistic-ness of the Neji x Gaara pairing (which I, personally, don't mind, even though it's not realistic) but then... I was editing the story so it was okay for me to give to my 11-year-old sister to read... and... I forgot to copy the Gaara section when I cut it out (because it ranted about mpreg and Neji being "uke" or "seme" which... well... I didn't want to have to explain to her) so when I saved it... the Gaara section was gone forever. I apologize.Hey-low! I also need help with fan-based rumors. I only know the ones about Neji, so writing anymore of these "We apologize to the fans" letters is going to be very difficult for me unless you tell me some other things fans like to say about the characters that aren't necessarily proved in the anime. 'Kay, thanks (I doubt I'll get any of these, but I had to ask, just in case someone out there is charitable enough to consider).
Enjoy the story!
NOTICE! I'll add this to the next chapter too so people who already read don't miss it, but... I was searching for Neji pictures to make a banner (why? Because I feel like making a banner! Artsy-ness!) And I happened across this comic. It coincides very well with the first common misunderstanding. I was torn between laughing my butt off and crying my eyes out when I read it... here's the link: "Because Straight Is Boring"