So…does this mean…I died in vain?
This wouldn’t be the first time I’ve thought this. I don’t know how long I’ve been here. There’s no time, I’m kind of shocked though. I was told where I was, an Anbu greeted me as I woke to a strange warmth. I felt cold shivers running through me, but there was a numbing warmth around my body. When I opened my eyes…
There was snow, everywhere, far as the eye can see, fluttering to the ground still, covering most of my body. There were white ice crystals falling around me, and a soft glow from the sky illuminated my world.
Then that Anbu showed up…she had a…white rabbit mask. Two ice blue lines on either cheek of the mask, and painted onto the mask blood red tears. I didn’t know what to make of her, the mask seemed to have this…eerie beauty to it. It was sad, frightening even-in the soft paranoia kind of way-but it also put me in awe when coupled with the rest of her appearance. She was radiant…even if I couldn’t see her face. I faintly remember more to her…she had long flowing black hair, it shimmered in the glow from…the…sky…? And the reflection of light from the snow made her ivory skin seem to glow with an ethereal nature. I’d find out later…she was ethereal. In fact, she was what brought me here. Her clothing was odd, it looked almost like a shadow that crawled over his skin pretending to be clothes…I think. Or did she have a white rode and blood red sash? Ice blue snowflakes decorating the sides of her black leggings? No…she wore a loose fitted white dress with a blue sash across her shoulder, a bow on her hip…or did she…
I can’t think straight…ever since I got here, my thoughts have changed. I used to only think of pleasing, serving, and fighting for Zabuza…but now…I wonder what’s become of him, and where I am, and how long I have been here…how long I will be here. Maybe…will this be all I have? This snow?
Closing my eyes, and laying back in my snow cavern…that appeared out of nowhere mind you, I just turned around and there behind me stood a small cave…barely room for me to sit up in made of snow. I curl into a ball, seeking true warmth, not the numbing kind I’ve felt for what seems like hours…maybe even days now. Where I am…where I am…Where am I again?
I gasped as I saw two feet appear in front of the tiny crawl in entryway to my cave. Pale feet and beige sandals that laced up the calves. The delicate feet with pale purple nails backed away from the entrance, and I crawled out unknowing who it was. That’s another thing I would never have done…being a shinobi…I would know better than to just dive out into possible danger. Unless it had been to protect Zabuza…
“Hello?” my voice is questioning. I know it, and the woman before me knows it. Her anbu tattoo standing out, outlined in black but colored a pale blue. What she wore was made of cotton, and also beige…it was too long to be a shirt, but to short to be a dress. It was tied in place with a blue cloth belt, and she wore light gray shorts underneath it. Her clothing was different, and her long flowing hair was tied back in a ponytail, but her mask was the same as before. The blood teary eyed rabbit.
“Haku, dear, what’s wrong?” she said, her voice is like wind chimes in a breeze. It was emotionless as well. She never acted upon emotion…not until…
“How did you know I needed you?” I asked. She giggled softly, now her voice would hold amusement. What I wanted her to feel.
“I sense it, I will sense everything in you.” she said. Not too much detail, like the last time I asked. That’s right…this was my third time asking her.
“Where am I?” I said. She sighed, impatience.
“You are in your heaven.” She explained, and with another sigh she laughed softly. Over coming the impatience. “What your heart truly wants is here…or more how you truly feel.”
“Why isn’t my heaven pleasant?” I said. She giggles again, amused by my naivety.
“This is what your heart feels, sees, desires. To reflect what’s inside you.” she said honestly. I glared at her.
“A cold snowy wasteland?” I was angry with her now, and she would reflect how I wanted her to react…which was more how I expected not really wanted. She got mad right back, frustrated.
“Sort out your feelings if you don’t want this!” she shouted to me. “If you want to feel like you’re in the stereotyped heaven mentioned on earth, then you need to feel it! Your spirit, no matter how pure it is, will live here for an eternity in misery if you continue to stay in the state of self loathing, not being there for your precious Zabuza!” I sulked, not the sad kind, the angry kind. She was right, and it was what I wanted her to point out, to make it seem like I was so blinded with frustration, guilt, and sorrow that I didn’t notice why I suffered. But being here, for so long, gets you to thinking. And once you understand, you never forget. The only things I forget is what my heart wants to. Which is why I keep asking her back, to tell me where I am. Deep down, I don’t want to believe it, so I need a reminder, and deep down, I want to know who she is.
“Are you done, Haku?” she said, she sounded frustrated. That’s what I wanted. Impatience.
“No.” I said. She crossed her arms, anticipation. I knew she was smiling behind that mask. I was getting good at figuring out her emotions. Before I had thought it was coincidence that she felt how I expected, or wanted at the time. Then I realized in my own heaven, I didn’t only exist in what my heart felt, but she reacted how my heart felt.
“Then what is it you want?” she said. My vision blurred and everything seemed to spin. When my eyes focused again, we were in a room made of ice, she lay in a bed of silk sheets and pillows. Her uniform from before had vanished and was replaced by a thin white dress that ended at her ankles. Lying there now, the dress fell around her and accented her curves. I know I had a faint blush on my cheeks. Being with Zabuza all the time, I never had interaction like this with any women. But now, I did, it happened after my death…where Zabuza couldn’t help me the time I needed it. I felt a bit like a failure, as I realized how sad it was, to not have female interaction until I was dead. I died young though…not that young. I was fifteen. With a sigh, I sat across from her on a large pillow. She laughed at me, she knew what my thoughts were, and her laugh only embarrassed me further. I hadn’t wanted her to know, or react. This was something of her own.
“It’s not funny.” I muttered. I looked enough like a girl, people thought I was pretty often, why is it I’m having so much trouble now. She could not have a face as far as I know. The goddess bodied woman before me may be a faceless ghost. I closed my eyes and bowed my head. “I’m worried about Zabuza.”
“Of course you are, he was all you lived for, and you died for him.” she said. I nodded slightly. She was only voicing my thoughts now, helping me sort through them. It wasn’t her talking. I think I could almost say I could argue with myself and lose. And it would involve me and her. I wanted to ask her what happened to him, if his fight with Kakashi and the three children went well, if he got away ok. Who’s care he was in. but my thoughts stopped and I looked back to her, round black eyes stared back at me from behind the rabbit mask.
“Take that off.” I said suddenly. My voice was soft, and though I meant it to be a demand, it came out as a gentle suggestion, maybe even a question. She smiled at me.
“I was wondering when you’d ask. Most people ask right away…for what they aren’t ready for.” Great, so maybe she is a faceless wonder. “I have a face, but for some reason, if strikes terror into those. Their personal heaven becomes their personal hell when they realize who I am.”
“How will showing your face to me tell me who you are?” I asked. She giggled.
“That would be your next question. For…” she placed her hand over the mask, grasping it, and slowly pulling it away. “They say I could be an angel with a face like this.” And god, was she right. Her face was pale like the rest of her. She had bedroom eyes, with thick long lashes and her eyes sparkled like pale green crystals. Her lips were a soft pink, complimenting her skin tone, her smile was like a drug. Addicting, but bad for you.
“An angel…” I breathed out slowly. She smiled brighter, he half lidded eyes looking almost closed now.
“I am.” She said. I am…the words echo through my mind. She’s an angel. She had brought me to my heaven, so then…does that make her…
“What…are you?” I suddenly feel scared, I slowly stand, and back away. I felt my back slam against an ice wall. She bowed her head, ashamed. What I wanted her to feel, I wanted her to feel hurt, so I could see that I was being judgmental. But if what I thought was true…
“I am the Angel of Death.” She said. “I am the one who brought you here.” I fell to my knees. This whole time I had been dealing with the Angel of Death, a messenger, the one who sentenced me. But if what she said before was true, and this was my personal heaven, reflecting on what was inside me did that mean… “And the Grim Reaper if your heaven becomes hell.” She answered my question.
“If I had been tormented by my failure.” I began, my voice softer, I felt the same overwhelming sadness I had when fighting that young blonde boy. As I explained why I was… “Then this would be my hell, and I would burn…”
“No.” she said. “You wouldn’t. You would feel the worst punishment you think you’d deserve. And that would be to relive every moment…the feeling of Zabuza despising you, abandoning you for failing. Hating you for being worthless, broken. You’d relive a speech of hate he never would’ve given you.” I thought for a moment, I should cry. But I wasn’t a little kid anymore.
“What happened to Zabuza.” I asked, my voice sounded cold. She gave me a sad look.
“He’s dead, Haku. He died after his fight to get to Gato, who had set up to kill you. His fight with Kakashi had wounded him badly enough, and in fighting the Samurai that guarded Gato he was injured as well…those died, including Gato. The few left, ran for their lives after being threatened by Kakashi and Naruto. Your body, and Zabuza’s were both buried by the bridge.” She whispered. I clenched my hand into fists. He died, after all I did for him, he died. And he probably didn’t care about my death.
“What did he say…when I died?” I asked. I was afraid of her answer, and she got up, the skirts of her dress flowing around her and she embraced me. It was what I needed now.
“He said…” her voice was soft, she knew I wouldn’t like this. I knew I wouldn’t like this. But I needed to know.
“Can you take me to him after you tell me?” I said, maybe seeing him would make things better. She nodded and I gave her a weak smile.
“He said ‘Heh heh, that was brilliant Haku, I really did find a treasure in that gutter, to think that he’d grant me this marvelous chance in the end.’” She hugged me tighter as she felt the gasp shake through my body, I hadn’t expected him to say something to honor my death, but I had hoped. I clung to her and began to sob into her shoulder.
“Why? I fought for him!” I said with a sob, tears streaming down my face, snot dripping from my nose. “I was alone, and he saved me, brought me with him! He trained me to be the perfect weapon, to fight for him! I was a warrior, a tool, and I only did it because I felt needed! I had a reason to live! And he just threw it away when I gave one last push to save him!” I almost fell to my knees, but her arms were stronger than they looked, and held me up.
“Oh Haku…” there was something in her voice. Something that I didn’t like, it sounded like she thought I was being childish. No…she knew. And I hated her for it, that’s not what I wanted her to feel. I wanted her to sympathize. What made her suddenly decide to have free will in my personal heaven? I thought angrily. She stepped away from me, sensing my thoughts. I didn’t want her to hold me now. “I’m sorry, Haku.”
“Why did you take me here.” My tone was flat, it was a question, but it was said like a statement, a demand. Her clothes melted away before me, to be replaced by the anbu uniform. She turned from me and picked her mask up from the silken pillows. I wanted her to answer me, not get ready to leave. Why isn’t she obeying my heart, like I’ve figured her out to do?
“You took me here, this is what you wanted, this is where we came…now.” She turned back to me, replacing the mask over her face. “If you want to see Zabuza, you must want it from the heart. Call upon the need to see him.” I nodded slightly, and closing my eyes I envisioned the one I had lived for, the one who was my master. The one who had used me as a tool.
~*~*~*~
When I opened my eyes again, we were on a small bridge that crossed a stream in the Village Hidden in the Mist. I recognized the town, and the bridge, it took a moment to realize…this is where Zabuza found me. The angel turned her back to me, that’s when I realized something else, I didn’t know her name.
“What’s your—”
“Loki.” She said. I glared at the back of her head, now she wouldn’t face me. I looked around, where is Zabuza?
“Loki!” a voice called out, I knew that voice. That familiar voice that would’ve made me so happy before if calling my name. Now it only made me angry. “Loki, I wanted you here…”
“Yes, I know.” Loki said. “I’m sorry. But I was a bit busy with my other charge.” She stepped from me. He’s ignoring me, I can’t believe he’s ignoring me!
“I was just…” Zabuza frowned. “How long will I be here?”
“As long as your spirit needs to be.” Loki said. “Until it is reborn.” Zabuza nodded, still looking angry.
“I don’t want to be here.” He said. Loki nodded slightly.
“I know.”
“I want to be somewhere else.” Zabuza reached up for his zanbato, clutching the handle out of habit.
“I know.” Loki said. I knew she was reacting to how Zabuza wanted her to…she was being difficult. Not giving him input, is this what he really wanted?
“I can revive myself.” He said. Loki sighed.
“In a manner of speaking, yes.” She smirked. “Though you’d live as a soulless demon, killing people as you went and draining them of blood and life as you continue to live as a empty shell of the human you were.”
“I could…live with that.” Zabuza chuckled softly. Loki shrugged.
“It will take two days to complete. And
you have the strength for it.”
“Why don’t other people use this
techinique?” Zabuza looked to Loki. She smiled.
“Because I’ve never told anyone. Only I know the technique, the other angels don’t know it.” Loki laughed. “And when my charges find out who I am they get scared, and don’t think to ask me.” I began to wonder what this technique was.
“What if I have a sacrifice?” Zabuza muttered. “There is one person left, someone who worked for me…could I chose him?”
“If you could convince him to give you his soul, then yes.” Loki tilted her head. “You’d need to visit him in his dreams. That would take a day and a night. And you'd live again as before.” Zabuza nodded.
“Then I’ll do that.”
~*~*~*~*~
Back in my winter wonderland, I stood with my arms crossed, glaring out over a snow covered cliff, at a snow covered drop. Loki stood behind me in the outfit she’d been wearing earlier, the beige one with the blue belt. Her mask was gone though.
“Haku, love?” she said. I wanted her to say that, I needed to feel cared for.
“What are you my caretaker?” I snapped. She smiled.
“In a sense.” She said. “What do you need Haku?”
“That technique to get back.” Haku said. “The one that takes two days.” I had no one back on earth that would give their soul for me…I had to use this technique.
“What about it?”
“Teach me.” my voice was as cold as the snow that fell on me. I could feel the coldness taking over me.
“If you wish.” Loki closed her eyes. “And before you ask, you didn’t want him to see you, and he didn’t want to see you. You remained a ghost in his heaven.” Loki turned from me. “I will teach you the technique. But…why do you want to know it?” I smirked then, my shoulders shaking with a laugh that threatened to push through my lips insanely. I chuckled, it was long, and deep. But I kept myself under control. I could feel the anger and power surging through me.
“Because.” I whispered. “I want to kill Zabuza. I was a child when he found me…my father was dead by my hands, my mother by his…I was unwanted, starved and poor. He wanted me for my skill, I thought he needed me, that I had a purpose to live. I was his tool, his weapon. My life was wasted working for him, fighting for him, defending him. I want to kill him. I want to avenge my life. Even if I must live as a soulless shell. I will kill Zabuza, and it will be as painful to him as mine had been to me.”
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Chapter notes: Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto...or any of them.
And I'd like to say now...Loki is actually a god of mischief...or something like that. But I liked the name, so I used it.
If this one shot does well...I might continue it, though I doubt it. I only wrote this because I didn't feel like working on Shinobi of This World and the Next...anyway, enjoy. Review