TONFA
The Original Naruto Fanfic Archive

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Het Romance [1092]
Any Naruto fanfiction with the main plot orientating around different sex couples.
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Where cast of the Naruto Universe are inserted into an alternate universe.
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An area to submit intelligent essays debating topics about the Naruto Universe and writing tutorial submissions.
 
General Fiction [1739]
Any Naruto fanfiction focused without romantic orientation, on a canon character in the current Naruto Universe.
OC-centric [865]
Any Naruto fanfic that has the major inclusion of a fan-made character.
Non-Naruto Fiction [291]
Self-evident
 
Shonen-ai/Yaoi Romance [1575]
Any Naruto fanfiction with the main plot orientating around male same sex couples.
MadFic [194]
Any fic with no real plot and humor based. Doesn't require correct spelling, paragraphing or punctuation but it's a very good idea.
 
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Any Naruto fanfiction with the main plot orientating around female same sex couples.
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An area to store fanfic information, such as bios, maps, political histories. No stories.
 
 

Site Info

Members: 11985
Series: 261
Stories: 5884
Chapters: 25418
Word count: 47689150
Authors: 2162
Reviews: 40828
Reviewers: 1750
Newest Member: Redxkenny
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Name: UzamakiMasumi (Signed) · Date: 13/11/12 - 04:59 pm · For: Ninja-napped
Hmm, I usually don't go for Akatsuki fics, but I'm devoting myself to becoming more involved in TONFA's young authors, and I figure I should broaden my horizens, nee? And, really, the title caught my eye before I even realized it was an Akatsuki fic, so let's go with it! XD So, warning, I am an obsessive, grammar nazi, let's actually basically beta the chapter intstead of just review it. I am especially so with new authors and the first couple reviews on a story. So, there's my warning, and I hope I don't scare you off with my overly long, hopefully helpful review. Be aware, I am writing this first paragraph before I've even started reading chapter, so right now I have no idea at all what your writing is like. XP

Okay, so the very first thing I noticed was that you're descriptive, and you've got a mind for things that not just anyone will think of when writing. That's a good thing, a very good thing, especially for me because I really like descriptive writing. So, woooo! Second thing I noticed was your sentence structure. I'm glad to see that you know how to utilize complex and compound sentences. A lot beginner authors I see don't. They use way too many short, simple sentences which result in far too many uses of I/he/she/they/we/other pronouns, especially at the beginning of sentences. You don't want to start out every sentence with She did that, He did this, They felt that. However, simple sentences exist for a reason, and they can be very useful for pacing out a story by using the right right balance of complex sentences and simple sentences. You need to learn that balance. I love that you utilize complex sentence, but try to stick some shorter, simple sentences in the mix as well. It will definitely add to your story and give a bit more to the readers. They will be happy. Promise. :D

Okay, wait, no, so actually the very first thing I noticed was the shortness of your chapter. You are now my best friend! *laughs lightly* So I'm an extremely impatient person, and when it comes to reading stories online, I can rarely bring myself to read it if it has really long chapters. Like, seriously, there could be two options for a story that I have to read all at once: one has twenty chapters that are say 1000 words per chapters (so 20,000 words total), and then the other is three chapters at 4000-5000 words per chapter (so 12,000-15,000 words total). I will read the twenty, which is actually more words in the end, over the three chapters. Because I'm impatient and can't sit down and actually complete a task like that because it seems more daunting just because the chunks are bigger. So, yeah! I'm so happy your chapter is short, and I hope it stays that way. I'm certainly more likely to continue reading steadily if they do. XD lol

Next thing I noticed! You're good at action. You just keep things going, I'm engaged in what's happening, the story's really moving forward, and it's like, yeah! I want more of this! What's gonna happen? It's intense, and I'm liking it. *thumbs up*

So, the guy steps out of the bushes, and he's got an Akatsuki robe on. How does she know it's an Akatsuki robe? What does it look like? How does she know what it looks like? Certainly she's never actually seen an Akatsuki in person before. And, yeah, I realize that most of us readers probably already know what the Akatsuki cloak looks like, which I'm assuming is why you didn't bother to explain. But this right here is your, not Kishimoto's. Explain things! Tell me what the cloak looks like. Then come to the realization that, hey, this is the Akatsuki cloak! This guy is an Akatsuki member! That's insane and unexpected, and he's for sure got to be dangerous and super strong! Feel that stress, that fear and apprehension that's gonna automatically hit this girl as she comes to this realization of who she's facing.

So that's all I got to say, I think. Oh, yeah, your gramma could improve, but it's really not so bad. The big thing I see grammar wise is that you forget to put the comma in on compound sentences, like, "He did this, and she did that." See the comma I put in there? Yeah, don't forget those. ;) But, yeah, I like this. I want to see more. Keep up the good work.


Out,
Masumi TAT

Author's Response: I read it all and than you so much :) inspired me you did!


Name: purpledinosaur (Signed) · Date: 12/11/12 - 12:10 pm · For: Who is Kai?
^.^ Madara side, too? I MISS SWEET TOBI! Oh have you ever used htmls? They bring a story together. Well, they do in my oppinion. No offense or anything. Also, there where a lot of mistakes, and since this was such a short chapter, you could see them. Big time. Is this your first story?

Author's Response: yeah my first story on here :)


Name: purpledinosaur (Signed) · Date: 12/11/12 - 12:03 pm · For: Ninja-napped
:D Tobi! Not many people have him in their storie. Mostly Madara if they choose to inlude a side of Tobi. Short, but good. I'm working on a ItaXOC story too. I'm interested in where this goes...

Author's Response: :D !!!


Name: Rowanrose (Signed) · Date: 12/11/12 - 10:58 am · For: Who is Kai?
Okay, her waking up was quick which was good, but! If Tobi was wearing his mask, how did his lips graze her ear? And you're mentioning his voice, so describe it when he speaks maybe?

Okay, so Kai has horrible battle sense. While this makes sense, it is kind of strange considering she's going on S class missions.

The imagery in this chapter is kind of hard. You can't really see where Kai and Tobi are, so you can't imagine the things that are happening very well. Like, Tobi's in a chair? How is Kai on his lap then?

Ah, Kai hates being underestimated, but it seems like it happens alot?

A manlier voice? Describe it. Husky, deep, raspy. I'd say his normal voice is childish and high pitched, yeah.

"His husky voice said slyly". I think there are too many adgectives, and the image of Itachi being portrayed here doesn't really match the one given in the manga. I don't know if Itachi would say anything slyly. More like... lazily? Or he'd just say it, with no emotion.

Sharingan doesn't really happen slowly. THey kind of close their eyes and open them and there it is. XP

"WE'RE" hehe. I think you might have an irritating word processor or something? Cuz this happened twice, and it's really tiny, but I'd say fix it cuz it stands out.

"Leaving back his sent, which was surprisingly pleasant." This is a fragment, and fragment IS allowed in literature, but only if it flows well enough to be forgiven. scent is misspelled... While I've never actually smelled anyone (besides my disgusting bro), this is perhaps something you can pull off. But ask yourself - have you ever smelt someone where they once were? Unless they were wearing colone/shapmoo/deoderant, yeah.

Actually, the Akatsuki are pretty freaky, all things considered. if they wanted her to show her her true powers, would they leave her as is or would they push her to the limits until she gave in? But this is an interesting approach, so I want to see what happens and why exactly they want her.

Nice second chapter, great update! And I'm glad I could inspire you to write more. ^_^ There are quite alot of reviewers who will review and try to give some constructive criticism, so don't be discouraged by the wall of text above this, yeah? Looking forward to more. ^_^

Author's Response: Omg thank you, i was super tired (it was like 3am) when I wrote this so I kinda...made weird and stupid mistakes lol. SOrry bout that :) thanks for your advice !


Name: Rowanrose (Signed) · Date: 11/11/12 - 06:53 pm · For: Ninja-napped
So far so good. Short but interesting. I'm actually curious as to seeing how this goes, given the prologue.

Thank goodness for someone who knows the difference between blonde and blond! ^_^

I think some of the dialogue is pretty stiff; it is realistic, but it doesn't match the rest of the scene's it's used in well enough to be considered smooth.

Also, Kai is slightly unrealistic, in the sense, you don't know what she's thinking. If she knew who they were, why didn't she turn tail and run? Or at least show some signs of fear? Unless she was meant not to.... which would be interesting.

Looking forward to see where this goes, yeah. ^_^

Author's Response: :) thanks! You gave me the happiness to write more <3


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